Embrace Life

mindful | word elimination

Words are powerful things.

I am becoming more mindful of how my words effect me and those around me. Surrounded each day by four teenagers, I often have to pause and take my time to construct, carefully, exactly what I say. I love words. All words. Or so I thought.

Over the past few months, I have realized there are a handful of words that bring with them unkind,  negative or judgmental connotations. With their simple elimination have added vastly to constructive conversation in my home.

Those words include:

WHATEVER is so passive-aggressive it makes my teeth grit and brain explode - simultaneously! The word combined with the inevitable shrug or stomp or turn in the other direction is a teenage (or immature adult) tactic that had to stop around here.

CAN'T is the one word that makes me sad. The whole idea that my kids think they can't do something makes my heart sick. I have told my kids for years the Henry Ford quote, "if you think you can or you think you can't, you're right." Nothing frustrates me more than my children having an immediate response to an idea or project with "I can't". They are so capable, it annoys me when they limit themselves. If there is one word banned from my home it is this one.

SHOULD implies that something needs to be fixed and there is some level of judgment involved on behalf of the speaker (authority) to someone who is deficient in some way. Nothing like putting your audience on the defensive by evoking feelings of guilt and shame!

JUST is not a word I like to use - it is so limiting. Sometimes I use it depending on my audience, though I find it negative. Ever since I heard it in terms of "I'm just a mom" the word has rankled me.

ACTUALLY might be annoying more in the tone used when the word is said than the word itself. When a sentence starts with "actually" I know the words that follow with will be tinged with condescension.

BUT because (usually) every word after it is the truth. I find that the use of "but" is a way of saying uncomfortable or mean things with a disclaimer. Speak plainly with your intent and you never have to use "but" ever again.

ALWAYS absolutes are trouble - as is the opposite NEVER. I ask that we try to speak in a basis of truth and not exaggeration, which both words represent. Tough with this crowd when adolescence is all about extremes!

Words that need to be spoken only after a mindful pause are YES and NO. Once you have fully considered the implications of the words then say them.

I do my best to encourage my children by setting an example*. Each time I hear a "whatever", "can't", "should", "just", "actually", "but", "always" and "never" out of my mouth, I bite my tongue and then apologise. Behaviour modification at it's finest! I figure, if I expect my kids to behave one way I'd better hold myself to the same standard!

I have been toying with the idea of a Swear Jar to hold monetary penalties for the use of each word. Ironically, I have no problem with the use of the F-bomb or S-word, if used in proper context.

* Often this method is too subtle for my teenaged lot, but at least it strengthens my argument should it come to it.

Reverb 13 | REMIX is Underway!

I will be keeping this post here at the top for easy reference through December.

If there is nothing new posted below, click the links to go to the Reverb 13 Remix blog:

PART ONE | REFLECT

1. ONE EVENT. | 2. QUESTIONS. | 3. PERSPECTIVE. | 4. CONNECTION.

5. VULNERABILITY. | 6. WELL-BEING. 

7. 13 IN 2013. | 8. READING. | 9. YEAR IN REVIEW. | 10. ONE WORD | 2013.

 

PART TWO | MANIFEST

1. ONE WORD | 2014 | 2. EASE. | 3. GIVING. | 4. ORDINARY SPARKLING MOMENTS. 

5. CREATIVITY. | 6. RITUALS.

7. DREAM. | 8. VOCABULARY. | 9. NO | YES. | 10. CONSCIOUS ENTRY.

 

Do you want to participate in your own #reverb13 project? Be sure to go to Carolyn Rubenstein's blog and download her REMIX workbook!

 

Here's to reflecting on 2013 and looking forward to 2014 and beyond.

What about you? Reflect? Manifest? Share!

CREDITS | Prompts: Carolyn Rubenstein | Digital Template: Ali Edwards | Article Template: Cathy Zielske | Digital Papers: Katie Pertiet | Digital Embellishments: Karla Dudley | Fonts: Helvetica, Aire Bold Pro, Bebas Neue | Content, Stories & Opinions: All mine :)

live a better life | don't feed the demons

[source]

I don't often go onto my "stats" page. Imagine my surprise when I was clicking around and realized over this past weekend that I was getting a ridiculous number of hits and page reads - starting last Thursday. We're talking in the area of 300+ per day. This, I can assure you, is not normal.

The good thing is I can see where the weird clicks are coming from and in this case it was a link from Two Peas in a Bucket. No, it was not a beautiful layout I had posted, it was an article I had written five years ago.

Ah yes. It's summertime. The annual dragging up of "the post".

What's the big deal? Once I realized where all the activity was coming from, I did not click through myself to see what was being said. Now, all of us familar with Two Peas know that, like too many a lot of online forums, the "General" Message Board is toxic and troll-filled. This suited my purpose perfectly when I originally posted my rant - which I posted on my blog at the time, as well. Then, like all things on a toxic message board, it burst well out of my control. People did not read my actual post, they read the comments and that is where they formed their opinions.

They were not kind.

As tempting as it was, I didn't need to relive that experience. Though there was a pull of curiosity*, I realized it would provide me with no positive or helpful information or insight.

This year I've chosen not to feed the demons.

What I found very interesting, of the hundreds of clicks here through the week there was not one comment left here for me to read. Did you agree? I don't know. Did you disagree? I don't know. Can we have a conversation? I guess not.

We all have moments of insecurity. I doubt myself often enough as the sole provider of four teenagers without having a few hundred people who don't know me at all making harsh judgments about me, my character and my parenting. 

The past couple of years, and indeed up until a couple of months ago I would have given into my curiosity*. Now? I know better. I am really learning to understand and embrace the concept that what others think of me really isn't any of my business. For those who found their way here, who want to have a conversation, let's have one. For those who don't, fine with me. I hope for those who spent over an hour and read over 100 pages that you learned what you think you needed to know.

What was that "famous" post?

Here it is:

13 June 2008

I am so looking forward to the end of the school year. Perhaps more than my kids are anticipating it! I cannot wait to spend some time with each of them ... and all of them!

Don't get me wrong. We do not experience the lazy days of summer as this season can be pretty hectic around here. There is no sleeping-in as most week days the kids are off to camp. This year camp includes: canoe, sports, adventure, basketball, soccer, leadership, golf, dance, theatre arts, baseball, sailing, archery, explorer, hockey, fitness, math, French and computers. Hey, I have four kids. It just looks like a lot ;)

We've also scheduled one "mama week" for each kid. They get to choose the agenda for the day for five days in a row. I've overheard conversations about visiting the Science Centre, R.O.M., Canada's Wonderland, Maid of the Mist in Niagara Falls, Art Gallery of Ontario, Royal Botanical Garden, a visit to the Hockey Hall of Fame, Butterfly Conservatory in Niagara. I'm kind of hoping Claire suggests some kind of a Spa Day! We may even go for an overnight visit someplace depending on the 3on3 hockey, baseball, dryland training schedules that are ongoing every evening. As most of my friends know, I am not adverse to taking a small trip - 4 hours one way - to visit family and friends overnight. Yes, consider that a warning!

Not only that, but we have friends coming in to visit with us from all parts! My kids are thrilled to meet new people and entertain. My friends are thrilled to have a chance to kick back, have a BBQ and enjoy a glass of wine (or four) and let their kids go. It's always good when they run in a pack: with Claire keeping everyone safe; and, Chloe ready to step in and either report or boss around.

We have a theme going here: busy is good; bored is bad.

We make the most of every minute. We play hard. We relax hard. Though there is some structure, it is, for the most part, pretty flexible and pretty easy going.

Okay, to the bee in my bonnet: What is wrong with all of these wretched mothers?

Stay at Home mothers who dread summer holidays? Teachers who don't want to spend more time with more children - hey, newsflash, these are your children in the summer! Worse? Caregivers who are taking care of working mother's children because they cannot take the time off leaving children in your care and you're crabbing about how awful it's going to be?

Get over it! Why have children if not to enjoy them, nurture them, have fun with them, spend time with them? Why offer to take care of other children if you don't like it?

I know there are times when being a parent is trying and exhausting. It's certainly not all sunshine and flowers around here, but hey, that was our choice to have four delightful monsters. It is your choice.

You made a mistake? Suck it up buttercup.

Don't let those kids feel like the worst thing in the world is them being around ruining your time. You think they don't feel it? You make comments in the grocery line, to your friend at the park, to your sister on the phone, to your on line friends, at the ballpark or soccer field, to other mothers at after school pick-up, to your husband at the top of your lungs (with the door closed, of course), at the community pool, everywhere you think people are willing to hear you whine about how wretched your life is going to be for the nine weeks of summer holiday.

You think those children don't hear you? They don't feel it?

Come on. Be the GROWN UP. You are responsible for them. For nine weeks it is NOT ABOUT YOU. Deal.

Or even, dare I say it? Enjoy!

Originally published here: http://l2l-lemons2lemonade.blogspot.ca/2008/06/latest-bee-in-my-bonnet.html

Like I said, it served it's purpose at the time. Would I write the same thing now? For the most part, yes. Some of the words might change, but the concept would stay the same.

What about you? Agree? Disagree?

*curiosity = demon

things we do | inspiration in minneapolis

Often our family field trips come as a result of a question posed by one of the kids. In this case, Claire said "Maya, who?" Evidence that I had clearly failed as a mum or Oprah went off air too soon!

Sometime in late September we were having a typical family conversation about everything and nothing. We tend to all talk at the same time which is sometimes confusing, but more often it is amusing and filled with information. During one of those crazy cross-talk sessions it was revealed to me that Claire did not know who Maya Angelou is ... huh? I was flabbergasted. THIS must be rectified!

I knew Dr. Angelou was still speaking but her schedule was limited. After all, the American national treasure, is 84 and goes to all of her engagements via bus. I was not deterred. Claire offered a challenge and I was going to find where this brilliant woman was speaking and go listen!

It turns out the closest venue in the near future was Minneapolis! I had to get tickets. Then it occured to me that I have a virtual friend, with a daughter about Claire's age, who might be interested in attending. Should this woman prove be the same as the woman I've come to know on her blog and in her classes (we all know a public persona can differ from that shown publicly) I was sure she'd at least be happy to go to the show. Much to my delight, Cathy Zielske and her daughter, Aidan, agreed to join us!

This was shaping up to be a real adventure.

Then Claire didn't want to go. This year she's in boarding and in her final year of high school. LOTS of pressure to perform. She didn't want to spare the day - and it would be a full day. I promised her it would be worth it and if it wasn't she could hold it against me forever :)

Well, great news: it was worth it!

Everything was gathered up for our big adventure: passports, itinerary, event tickets, wallet. All set!

We left a foggy and miserable Toronto Pearson and arrived in a drizzly day in Minneapolis-St. Paul. It turns out that Claire got my poor travel gene and we were both a bit woozie when we arrived. Then there was the crazy cab ride to the hotel. The $40 bill didn't help much!

She spied the Saks Fifth Avenue Outlet upon our arrival. Not deterred by being in a busy city core, she headed over to check it out. (My kids seem to thrive on the energy found only in big urban centres, the complete opposite of our sleepy, suburban environment.) I had to laugh at her text: "Outlet? With these prices this is no outlet." That's my girl!

 Time to get ready!

Yes, I'm starting to take more photos of myself. Proof I was here! Then, with tickets and camera, we headed down to the lobby to meet Cathy and Aidan. So exiting! It was a quick walk to dinner at Bucca di Beppo Restaurant.

Aren't they gorgeous? The girls are only a few months apart in age and they had a ton in common. It was so nice to have Claire open up, with her defences put on pause for the evening. (Like many people, she can get very nervous meeting new people and she tends to be a bit prickly until you get to know her). With Aidan being a vegetarian and Claire not getting any "good" pasta in residence it was the perfect restaurant choice. The food was AMAZING. I loved that it was all served "family style" and wish there were something similar here - outside my own kitchen :)

Then we were off to the big event!

Extraordinary. The courage of kindness and the gift of rainbows will be something that stays with me forever. I had said to a friend on facebook that I would love to be like Maya Angelou when I grow up but I don't think I'm brave enough to endure the struggles she's had to endure in order to become the woman she is now. The stories were amazing. Her voice and tone was like a big hug, so engaging. What a tremendous evening!

I know that you can hear many recordings on YouTube and other internet sites, but being there was what it was all about. The audience was mesmerized and we spent a lot of time clapping, laughing and we were happy to give her a well deserved standing ovation upon her arrival and at the end of her inspiring talk.

Many thanks to Cathy and Aidan for sharing this special evening with us!

A bit of after-event conversation. Claire had a few questions that had never occurred to me to explain before we went to the talk. The Black-American experience is something quite foreign to my daughter and not something we in Canada are exposed to with our own "minorities". We just don't share the same history of slavery and oppression. In fact, the town we live in was one of the final destinations of the Underground Railroad, something I wish we celebrated. I think it would be a good idea to explore the history more - if for no other reason than to understand the divisiveness and rhetoric of our closest neighbours and largest trading partner. I'm so glad attending the talk lead to a great conversation and a lot of thoughtful questions!

Happy that the one-hour time change got her some extra sleep!

From my years in a hockey rink I became a fan of mixing too sweet hot chocolate with burnt coffee. It makes a pretty decent mocha. I have to say, THIS morning mocha in the airport was AMAZING.

We had some time once we cleared security so Claire quickly moved on to another priority - Halloween costumes! And with that our Minneapolis adventure came to an end!

I wonder what will be next?

Hello darkness my old friend ...

Not.

I want to know why it can't be the other way around. Not that I want to lose an hour of sleep, but I'd prefer to wake to light than to darkness.

But that's just me.

Other than that, not much has changed. Claire was awakened at 6AM for time keeping, cranky. Caden wandered into the kitchen in search of food. Chloe is still asleep and I imagine will spend most of the day in slumber.

Over the years there is often the question of what we'll do with the extra hour. In our case, the answer is always overwhelmingly SLEEP! What about you? Any special plans for your extra 60 minutes?

Unknown.

I have never been much of a fan of quotes made by "Anonymous" or "Unknown" as their validity as quotes is questionable. Not the content, but isn't a quote a quote because it's said by someone? Doesn't the attribution to "Anonymous" or "Unknown" just make them sayings?

Just one of a long list of things I ponder.

I mull.

Occasionally.

It's a scary place in my head some days.

I did discover the other day a wonderful Unknown - saying or quote, it doesn't matter. The words are just as valid:

found on Design Crush.

Oh, and another:

Unknown is remarkably wise.

Two great sayings, for two totally different emotions, two of which I am wrestling with at this very moment. And the annoying fact that so many don't "get it".

I'm starting to like Unknown.

Smart indeed.

Ugh, Important People

Ideally we leave our house in Bronte at 7:00AM each weekday morning in order to travel the 6 kilometre distance to the olders school. It takes about 10 minutes from the time we open the car doors to get in to the time they open the car doors to get out.

The reality is we manage to leave around 7:15AM.

Ideally I am able to get to the end of the school driveway to make a left turn by 7:25AM because much after that, the traffic has picked up enough and there are enough students arriving from the East side of town making a left into the driveway, it is impossible to exit.

The reality is when we leave our house at 7:15AM the drive to school is closer to 15 minutes long because traffic has picked up and we don't arrive until 7:30AM. As a result, I have to make a right hand turn to exit the school. So, I turn right, go to the lights, turn left, go to the lights, turn left again, go to the lights, turn left again, go to the lights and turn right and I'm on my way. No muss no fuss, just another 3-4 minutes added to my daily drive.

Ideally everyone who can send their kid to this school has also mastered the ability to read signage and tell time.

The reality is that some important person (read: bozo) with an important vehicle (read: Land Rover, Porche, Hummer, Mercedes, Maserati not police cruiser or ambulance) is bigger than the simple sign and has to turn left. As a result, a bottleneck is created and not only can no one leave the driveway, but cars are backed up to the entrance and cannot enter the driveway. All because some bozo is more important than the drivers in the 30+ cars caught in the line.

Ideally someone would speak to this driver and perhaps suggest they get a pair of glasses or learn to read.

The reality is no one from the school wants to piss off some important person driving an important vehicle because that would reflect badly in some way. And, if some housewife, one driving a Toyota truck, but still clearly able to send her children to the same school, gets out of her not-important vehicle and says something said housewife will receive the finger and a big "f-you" - clearly because said housewife interrupted a very important phone call being conducted by a very important person in his very important vehicle.

Huh?

So, instead, we less important people will just hang out in line waiting for some important person making an important phone call in an important car to turn left so they can do their important things.

Ugh.

Success is in the journey

Grandma Moses, famous late bloomer :)

I am a great believer that I am meant to do great things.

I have no idea what that great thing might be.

I am a work in progress and enjoying every step of this journey. Perhaps I am simply meant to be a good mother, a writer, an artist, an advice giver, a photographer, a people observer, cheerleader. list maker.

There is an incredible pressure to be a success, early.

There are many examples in my little corner of the world. The one that springs immediately to mind is hockey.  As early as six years of age there is always a group of parents desperate to have their boys in the "rep" hockey system because their little guy is the best skater, best passer, best hockey-sense, best whatever. Push. Push. Push. With rare exception those boys are not in the rep system or sometimes, sadly, give up hockey all together by the time they are in their early teens. Not only can they as a player not keep up the pace but their parents lose their drive when they realize that their little Gretzky or Howe are not actually going to "the show".

Can you imagine being a hero at six years of age and a failure by sixteen?

Maybe there is a certain perspective to be gained by not reaching success before the ripe old age of 45. Wait, I have to ask the kids. Yup, it's been confirmed. I am old.

That doesn't mean that I have not had successes, indeed I have.

Who knows? Maybe the real success is in the journey?

* * * * *

Go check out the 10 Things That Make Me Happy over at A Beautiful Ripple Effect. What 10 things make you happy? Post it and send me a link!

* * * * * 

Be sure to visit over at Feeling Scrappy and check out the goings-on. I'm going to play with Becky's photography challenge today. Have you joined our Facebook Group yet? See you over there!

Canadian Patriotism

No, that title is not an oxymoron. Most Canadians I know, by birth or by choice, are the most fiercely patriotic people I've ever met. Always compared to Americans, but we are not. Always defined by our natural resources, and hockey players, and comedians. We have a small but mighty population of talented, peaceful, resourceful people and we are generally reserved about touting it. Don't mistake our reserve for anything but what it is: confidence and quiet resolve.

Uncharacteristically, during the brilliant, positively BRILLIANT, opening ceremony of the Olympics last night, the main entertainment portion featured so much, including: fiddlers, tappers, whales, wheat, a lesbian singer, flying children, lit bears, aboriginal performers, snowboarders and a slam poem read by it's author. Honestly, how many nations would represent like that at a major event? There are many places to see fantastic images, for a small selection of incredible photos, head here.

Anyway, it was the poem that stuck with me. (I wasn't able to stay up late enough to see much after the parade of nations. I even missed the lighting ceremony - but managed to catch the highlights on the morning coverage.) Some on twitter and Facebook were shocked at the poem, but being a Canadian, I'm not. I knew exactly what he was saying. Giving voice to what is in the heart of every Canadian I have ever met.

We Are More
by Shane Koyczan

 When defining Canada
 you might list some statistics
 you might mention our tallest building
 or biggest lake
 you might shake a tree in the fall
 and call a red leaf Canada
 you might rattle off some celebrities
 might mention Buffy Sainte-Marie
 might even mention the fact that we've got a few
 Barenaked Ladies
 or that we made these crazy things
 like zippers
 electric cars
 and washing machines
 when defining Canada
 it seems the world's anthem has been
 " been there done that"
 and maybe that's where we used to be at
 it's true
 we've done and we've been
 we've seen
 all the great themes get swallowed up by the machine
 and turned into theme parks
 but when defining Canada
 don't forget to mention that we have set sparks
 we are not just fishing stories
 about the one that got away
 we do more than sit around and say "eh?"
 and yes
 we are the home of the Rocket and the Great One
 who inspired little number nines
 and little number ninety-nines
 but we're more than just hockey and fishing lines
 off of the rocky coast of the Maritimes
 and some say what defines us
 is something as simple as please and thank you
 and as for you're welcome
 well we say that too
 but we are more
 than genteel or civilized
 we are an idea in the process
 of being realized
 we are young
 we are cultures strung together
 then woven into a tapestry
 and the design
 is what makes us more
 than the sum total of our history
 we are an experiment going right for a change
 with influences that range from a to zed
 and yes we say zed instead of zee
 we are the colours of Chinatown and the coffee of Little Italy
 we dream so big that there are those
 who would call our ambition an industry
 because we are more than sticky maple syrup and clean snow
 we do more than grow wheat and brew beer
 we are vineyards of good year after good year
 we reforest what we clear
 because we believe in generations beyond our own
 knowing now that so many of us
 have grown past what used to be
 we can stand here today
 filled with all the hope people have
 when they say things like "someday"
 someday we'll be great
 someday we'll be this
 or that
 someday we'll be at a point
 when someday was yesterday
 and all of our aspirations will pay the way
 for those who on that day
 look towards tomorrow
 and still they say someday
 we will reach the goals we set
 and we will get interest on our inspiration
 because we are more than a nation of whale watchers and lumberjacks
 more than backpacks and hiking trails
 we are hammers and nails building bridges
 towards those who are willing to walk across
 we are the lost-and-found for all those who might find themselves at a loss
 we are not the see-through gloss or glamour
 of those who clamour for the failings of others
 we are fathers brothers sisters and mothers
 uncles and nephews aunts and nieces
 we are cousins
 we are found missing puzzle pieces
 we are families with room at the table for newcomers
 we are more than summers and winters
 more than on and off seasons
 we are the reasons people have for wanting to stay
 because we are more than what we say or do
 we live to get past what we go through
 and learn who we are
 we are students
 students who study the studiousness of studying
 so we know what as well as why
 we don't have all the answers
 but we try
 and the effort is what makes us more
 we don't all know what it is in life we're looking for
 so keep exploring
 go far and wide
 or go inside but go deep
 go deep
 as if James Cameron was filming a sequel to The Abyss
 and suddenly there was this location scout
 trying to figure some way out
 to get inside you
 because you've been through hell and high water
 and you went deep
 keep exploring
 because we are more
 than a laundry list of things to do and places to see
 we are more than hills to ski
 or countryside ponds to skate
 we are the abandoned hesitation of all those who can't wait
 we are first-rate greasy-spoon diners and healthy-living cafes
 a country that is all the ways you choose to live
 a land that can give you variety
 because we are choices
 we are millions upon millions of voices shouting
 " keep exploring... we are more"
 we are the surprise the world has in store for you
 it's true
 Canada is the "what" in "what's new?"
 so don't say "been there done that"
 unless you've sat on the sidewalk
 while chalk artists draw still lifes
 on the concrete of a kid in the street
 beatboxing to Neil Young for fun
 don't say you've been there done that
 unless you've been here doing it
 let this country be your first-aid kit
 for all the times you get sick of the same old same old
 let us be the story told to your friends
 and when that story ends
 leave chapters for the next time you'll come back
 next time pack for all the things
 you didn't pack for the first time
 but don't let your luggage define your travels
 each life unravels differently
 and experiences are what make up
 the colours of our tapestry
 we are the true north
 strong and free
 and what's more
 is that we didn't just say it
 we made it be.

I am conflicted

Tragedy brings out the best in everyone, doesn't it? We all come together and rush to do the best we can for victims of unexpected trauma. Such is the response to the recent events in Haiti. Everyone is rushing everywhere. These people, Haitian people, who have suffered so much for so long.

I am similarly affected by the events and have sent in my donation and support all efforts in that regard.

I did that even though I have a few questions:

The Canadian government will match all donations dollar-for-dollar. Or in our language loonie-for-loonie. Is this because our Governor General is Haitian by birth? Will this be a precedence for all tragedies? Why now and not for other, equally devastating natural tragedies: Katrina? Tsunami in Sumatra? Ice storms in Quebec?

The largest corporation in the world, the Roman Catholic church has offered prayers. Um, thanks?

Isn't Haiti simply the other side of the Dominican Republic? They share the same island. Isn't that where everyone I know goes for holiday? If this earthquake devastated Haiti which shares the same land as the Dominican Republic, why is there no news of the effects on the DR? And for that matter, Cuba, Jamaica, and all the other smaller islands in the Caribbean? What about Florida?

Suffered so much? Incredible!

Political turmoil, corruption, natural disaster, AIDS ... incredible. Is this overwhelming response a reaction to this Haitian tragedy tinged with an emotional mountain of GUILT? These people have been suffering for GENERATIONS, not just in the past few days, but years. Years upon years.

So, my $50 has been sent to be combined with the donations of hundreds, thousands, hundreds of thousands of other people. Will this help? Or will it be used to line the pockets of those who do that kind of thing. For generations.

Or is my $50 better spent helping that man on the corner of the street, or giving to the soup kitchen or buying toys to "fill the net" at Christmas?

I am conflicted.

Are you?