You know how December can be filled with all kinds of end-of-year reflection and inspirational articles filled with ideas and new direction? I wish I had the time to read and execute all of the good stuff, but you know, December just doesn't work for me.
Even though I have pared down the frantic of the season to a simple holiDAY, I am still overwhelmed by the sense of possibility and promise the new year brings. Articles and hope abound and I can't seem to keep up with it all.
My most relaxed months of the year has traditionally been April and May. Now I'm taking this time to reflect upon and read a lot of those articles that inspired me but I was simply too worn out to fully appreciate. One such article was 20 Things to Let Go Of Before The New Year by Shannon Keiser at MindBodyGreen. Though it is no longer the cusp of the new year, I figure if it was worth letting go of before December 31, it should be worth purging before April 30, right?
What I like, particularly, about this article is that it encompasses my most recent desire to let go. I agree with the author that in order to be the person I really want to be I had to let go of who I though I should be. This act of self-love has been truly revolutionary.
So here goes. Based on the 20 things to let go of in order to reach unlimited happiness, this is where I stand:
1. Let go of all thoughts that don't make you feel empowered and strong.
I have been plagued by negative self talk in the past. I still have the occasional "that was stupid" moment, or "what were you thinking?" kick in my pants, but nothing is as destructive and unkind as I used to be to myself. I realize the only thoughts and actions I can control are my own, so I do my best to err on the lesson I teach my children: treat people the way you want to be treated. It works, most of the time!
2. Let go of feeling guilty for doing what you truly want to do.
It took me a long time to realize that taking care of myself - reading, writing, creating, exercise, travel - makes me a better mum. Now I'm going to employ that same attitude toward making a future and career for myself. I'm still waiting for a time I can write from dusk until dawn, but that'll be more convenient when the kids can get to-and-from places without me. It no longer has anything to do with guilt :)
3. Let go of the fear of the unknown; take one small step and watch the path reveal itself.
This concept has been revolutionary. I have fully embraced the idea of "lean in" to all of those things that makes me uncomfortable or fearful. If I resist I know there is something important I need to learn. On the other side of fear? Wonderful things! I still have moments of doubt, but every time I've faced them I've come out stronger and happier. Life with no safety net has been an invigorating experience!
4. Let go of regrets; at one point in your life, that “whatever” was exactly what you wanted.
I have to admit I am rarely plagued with feelings of regret. I do the best I can given the information available to me at the time. My actions come from a place of truth, no malice or competition.
5. Let go of worrying; worrying is like praying for what you don’t want.
This is hard. I have made great strides to give up "mindless" or "busy" worry. I don't often worry about my kids but the others they are with, or other drivers on the road, or something out of their control. It has been a challenge!
6. Let go of blaming anyone for anything; be accountable for your own life. If you don’t like something, you have two choices, accept it or change it.
Number six is singing to the choir! I have to say, I have very little patience for those who go through life wearing their imaginary Teflon suits blaming anyone and everyone for their lot in life. Those who know me well know that my phrase, for years, was "own it" and I do. Lack of accountability is a sore spot for me. (If you ever need to know what sets me off, completely, number ONE on that list are those people who blame others followed closely by those who live in the past. Drives. Me. Bonkers.)
7. Let go of thinking you are damaged; you matter, and the world needs you just as you are.
Again, this is hard. When you listen, for years, to those who are supposed to love you tell you how wrong you are, how disappointing you are, how stupid you are, how undeserving you are, how un-perfect you are, how one behaviour or another is lacking in some way it takes a very long time to shed that mean-spirited baggage. I'm still working on it. I have always and will always do the best I can - regardless of whether or not it is enough for someone else. I am a true believer in Brené Brown's teaching and I am so grateful for her bringing Theodore Roosevelt's "Daring Greatly" quote into my life. It is not the critic who counts and I have always been in the arena.
8. Let go of thinking your dreams are not important; always follow your heart.
I have only just got back in touch with my heart and my dreams - my "goals with soul". Much thanks goes out to Danielle LaPorte and my Desire Map ladies. I am very fortunate to have had my greatest dream of being a mum come true - four times! It is now time to develop new dreams for the next few innings of my life.
9. Let go of being the “go-to person” for everyone, all the time; stop blowing yourself off and take care of yourself first … because you matter.
I am only the "go-to person" for my children - because I am the only "go-to person" for my children. I have all day to take care of myself. My family are on iCloud and our calendars are completely synchronized. They know that if I'm at meditation or at pilates class or getting a haircut or at lunch with a friend it's best to reconsider interrupting me. I'm 100% theirs before 8AM and after 4PM. Unless, of course there is blood. If there's blood, please interrupt!
10. Let go of thinking everyone else is happier, more successful or better off than you. You are right where you need to be. Your journey is unfolding perfectly for you.
Living in a competitive upwardly mobile and somewhat paranoid society thinking I was lacking in some way was really easy to do - once I learned that most of what others present as true is "for show" it made my life a lot easier. Envy has never set well with me and once I realized I didn't have to feel competitive or insecure or lacking, my outlook greatly improved. I am right where I need to be. I am completely content and secure in my choices.
11. Let go of thinking there's a right and wrong way to do things or to see the world. Enjoy the contrast and celebrate the diversity and richness of life.
At this stage of my life I am councelling children at university, in high school and entering high school. Listening to my kids, and hearing what they have to say, has made it easy for me to give up the ridiculous idea that there is a right and wrong way for anything. Each of my four kids has a different outlook and it is from their diverse perspective I live my days.
12. Let go of cheating on your future with your past. It’s time to move on and tell a new story.
I have to admit, I spent 10+ years not living in my truth by not facing the resentment and anger I had over the near death of my youngest child. It took a further couple of years to give voice to that resentment and anger in an articulate and honest manner. I'm ready to move on. I am very good at taking situations, putting them in a nice box and filing them away. Sometimes those experiences have to be taken off the shelf and re-examined, but once the lesson is learned, it's time to move on.
13. Let go of thinking you are not where you should be. You are right where you need to be to get to where you want to go, so start asking yourself where you want to go.
This is new. "Should" implies guilt and I am beyond all of that nonsense. I have recently started asking myself where I want to go, and put it on my dream board:
I am so happy to be in my current state of flow rather than a place of anxiety. The future looks bright because I want it to be.
14. Let go of anger toward ex-lovers and family. We all deserve happiness and love; just because it is over doesn’t mean the love was wrong.
Though I will never willingly be in the presence of my mother or my ex-husband again, I am grateful for the lessons I learned from each of them. Funnily enough, they are incredibly similar personalities. (Okay, scary, not funny.) I wish them both well and do not begrudge them their happiness.
15. Let go of the need to do more and be more; for today, you've done the best you can, and that's enough.
Check. This idea has been fully embraced. I am happy to be more. I am the best I can be. I am enough.
16. Let go of thinking you have to know how to make it happen; we learn the way on the way.
Way harder than it sounds! My trigger for slowing down and taking it all in is when I get caught up in having to know how to execute a result. When that happens I try taking a deep breath and meditate for a while.
17. Let go of your money woes — make a plan to pay off debt and focus on your abundance.
I am familiar with near-crippling debt and I'm determined to never be in that place ever again. I've made responsible decisions for my spirit as well as my bank balance. I am so very fortunate and am keeping my focus on the good in my life.
18. Let go of trying to save or change people. Everyone has her own path, and the best thing you can do is work on yourself and stop focusing on others.
Once I learned that some people simply cannot be saved or changed I was able to pay attention to my own journey. When all was said and done, this was the reason for my divorce, two very different people, two very different expectations, two very different paths.
19. Let go of trying to fit in and be accepted by everyone. Your uniqueness is what makes you outstanding.
This took a lot for me to figure out. I was really bashed around for being who I am and it hurt. A lot.
20. Let go of self-hate. You are not the shape of your body or the number on the scale. Who you are matters, and the world needs you as you are. Celebrate you!
In concept I really believe this, though, as a larger person it is hard. In my head I know who I am on the inside but it doesn't stop the rude behaviour of those who are offended by the shape of my body and the number on the scale.
It looks like my current state of happiness is limited, but it is a work in progress. There is still a lot of work to do and that's okay. I'd hate to think I had it all figured out ;)
What about you? Of what do you need to let go?
mindful | word elimination
Words are powerful things.
I am becoming more mindful of how my words effect me and those around me. Surrounded each day by four teenagers, I often have to pause and take my time to construct, carefully, exactly what I say. I love words. All words. Or so I thought.
Over the past few months, I have realized there are a handful of words that bring with them unkind, negative or judgmental connotations. With their simple elimination have added vastly to constructive conversation in my home.
Those words include:
WHATEVER is so passive-aggressive it makes my teeth grit and brain explode - simultaneously! The word combined with the inevitable shrug or stomp or turn in the other direction is a teenage (or immature adult) tactic that had to stop around here.
CAN'T is the one word that makes me sad. The whole idea that my kids think they can't do something makes my heart sick. I have told my kids for years the Henry Ford quote, "if you think you can or you think you can't, you're right." Nothing frustrates me more than my children having an immediate response to an idea or project with "I can't". They are so capable, it annoys me when they limit themselves. If there is one word banned from my home it is this one.
SHOULD implies that something needs to be fixed and there is some level of judgment involved on behalf of the speaker (authority) to someone who is deficient in some way. Nothing like putting your audience on the defensive by evoking feelings of guilt and shame!
JUST is not a word I like to use - it is so limiting. Sometimes I use it depending on my audience, though I find it negative. Ever since I heard it in terms of "I'm just a mom" the word has rankled me.
ACTUALLY might be annoying more in the tone used when the word is said than the word itself. When a sentence starts with "actually" I know the words that follow with will be tinged with condescension.
BUT because (usually) every word after it is the truth. I find that the use of "but" is a way of saying uncomfortable or mean things with a disclaimer. Speak plainly with your intent and you never have to use "but" ever again.
ALWAYS absolutes are trouble - as is the opposite NEVER. I ask that we try to speak in a basis of truth and not exaggeration, which both words represent. Tough with this crowd when adolescence is all about extremes!
Words that need to be spoken only after a mindful pause are YES and NO. Once you have fully considered the implications of the words then say them.
I do my best to encourage my children by setting an example*. Each time I hear a "whatever", "can't", "should", "just", "actually", "but", "always" and "never" out of my mouth, I bite my tongue and then apologise. Behaviour modification at it's finest! I figure, if I expect my kids to behave one way I'd better hold myself to the same standard!
I have been toying with the idea of a Swear Jar to hold monetary penalties for the use of each word. Ironically, I have no problem with the use of the F-bomb or S-word, if used in proper context.
* Often this method is too subtle for my teenaged lot, but at least it strengthens my argument should it come to it.
Posted on 11 June 2014 at 06:15 PM in celebrating the every day, embracing imperfection, parenting, real right now, social commentary, words | Permalink | Comments (0)
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