Embrace Life

mindful | word elimination

Words are powerful things.

I am becoming more mindful of how my words effect me and those around me. Surrounded each day by four teenagers, I often have to pause and take my time to construct, carefully, exactly what I say. I love words. All words. Or so I thought.

Over the past few months, I have realized there are a handful of words that bring with them unkind,  negative or judgmental connotations. With their simple elimination have added vastly to constructive conversation in my home.

Those words include:

WHATEVER is so passive-aggressive it makes my teeth grit and brain explode - simultaneously! The word combined with the inevitable shrug or stomp or turn in the other direction is a teenage (or immature adult) tactic that had to stop around here.

CAN'T is the one word that makes me sad. The whole idea that my kids think they can't do something makes my heart sick. I have told my kids for years the Henry Ford quote, "if you think you can or you think you can't, you're right." Nothing frustrates me more than my children having an immediate response to an idea or project with "I can't". They are so capable, it annoys me when they limit themselves. If there is one word banned from my home it is this one.

SHOULD implies that something needs to be fixed and there is some level of judgment involved on behalf of the speaker (authority) to someone who is deficient in some way. Nothing like putting your audience on the defensive by evoking feelings of guilt and shame!

JUST is not a word I like to use - it is so limiting. Sometimes I use it depending on my audience, though I find it negative. Ever since I heard it in terms of "I'm just a mom" the word has rankled me.

ACTUALLY might be annoying more in the tone used when the word is said than the word itself. When a sentence starts with "actually" I know the words that follow with will be tinged with condescension.

BUT because (usually) every word after it is the truth. I find that the use of "but" is a way of saying uncomfortable or mean things with a disclaimer. Speak plainly with your intent and you never have to use "but" ever again.

ALWAYS absolutes are trouble - as is the opposite NEVER. I ask that we try to speak in a basis of truth and not exaggeration, which both words represent. Tough with this crowd when adolescence is all about extremes!

Words that need to be spoken only after a mindful pause are YES and NO. Once you have fully considered the implications of the words then say them.

I do my best to encourage my children by setting an example*. Each time I hear a "whatever", "can't", "should", "just", "actually", "but", "always" and "never" out of my mouth, I bite my tongue and then apologise. Behaviour modification at it's finest! I figure, if I expect my kids to behave one way I'd better hold myself to the same standard!

I have been toying with the idea of a Swear Jar to hold monetary penalties for the use of each word. Ironically, I have no problem with the use of the F-bomb or S-word, if used in proper context.

* Often this method is too subtle for my teenaged lot, but at least it strengthens my argument should it come to it.

things we do | september, the new january

family favourite: lemon garlic chicken, mama rice and roasted broccoli

I love lists. I love order. I love schedules. I love my calendar.

I dwell in structure.

As far as that nasty seven letter word - control - I've pretty much given that nonsense over to the universe, but there are some things that are still within my domain. What? That would be my daily schedule.

As much as things change, some things stay the same. This summer was pretty spontaneous with the kids very much in charge. I went to a talk during our last school year where the speaker emphasized the acceptance of painful non-catastrophic mistakes made by our children. Well, I made room for plenty over the last few months! I have to say, my kids were (and still are) pretty remarkable. We learned a lot from each other. Lots of growth, understanding, acceptance and love. An enjoyable feat given that there is just me and four children between the ages of 13 and 17!

But, as always, I digress ...

Moving forward, I'm embracing the idea that I can only organize my days in a loose enough way to allow for change. I suppose my life has evolved to include "guidelines" as opposed to rigid plans. We're off to a late start this year as the school trip to the Northern Campus started the first week of the school year. Now that all of my kids are back and we can settle into the school year, this autumn brings with it a Morning Routine, an Evening Routine and (for me) a Write & Create Routine.

I ask a lot of my routine. It has to take into consideration four things:

1. I run a household as sole provider;
2. I have been unwell and need to get healthier;
3. I need to respect and nourish my creative side; and,
4. I must figure out how to develop a full - and fulfilling - future for myself.

The yin and yang of it all - tight schedules leaving enough time for self. Tough.

My days start at 6:00AM and end at 10:00PM.

MORNING ROUTINE

06:00    Alarm set to go off & Coffee maker programmed to start

             Brush Teeth & Wash Up

             Put on walking clothes & lace up sneakers

             Make smoothie, take meds & supplements

06:30    Write morning pages

07:30    Take kids to school and go for walk

10:00    MON: Errands, Appointments, Bills, Calls & Correspondence

             TUES - FRI: Write & Create

EVENING ROUTINE

10:00    Shut down everything: computer, television, lights

              Fill dishwasher and empty sink (if not already done)

              Head upstairs and wash up

              Set alarm & fitbit

              Settle in by 10:30

within all of that is my

CREATIVE ROUTINE

MONDAY: Morning Pages, Life Coach Session, The Next Chapter & The Desire Map

TUESDAY: Morning Pages, Writing

WEDNESDAY: Morning Pages, Creative Pursuits

THURSDAY: Morning Pages, Writing

FRIDAY: Morning Pages, Artist's Date, Blurb Project, Photography

SATURDAY: Morning Pages, Read & Research, Project Life

SUNDAY: Morning Pages, Read & Research

Though everything has been simplified it has not been reduced. There is a ton of content and I'm excited to start all of the creative challenges.

DINNER ROUTINE

Ah, the bane of my existence: "what do you want for dinner?" is being answered with a very simple:

MONDAY: Crock Pot

TUESDAY: Chicken

WEDNESDAY: Pasta or Pizza

THURSDAY: New (a chance to experiment!)

FRIDAY: Fish or Seafood

SATURDAY: Take Out or Go Out

SUNDAY: Beef

I am very fortunate that my kids are provided a good hot meal for lunch at school, but I want to make sure they eat well while at home, too. There are a few favourites and within their schedule I'll make sure they get them as often as we can manage.

And with that, order is restored!

Until it's not ...

Guidelines ... guidelines.

real right now | letting go

Today is the traditional first day of school for just about everyone. My kids don't start classes until NEXT Monday - the 9th. I'm still reflecting and anticipating ...

Entering any new stage of parenting is a challenge. When these opportunitites for growth arrive, I often wonder if I'm up for it and feel like I muddle through rather than ease my way to the next stage.

This week I'm letting go in order for Claire to embrace her life.

Letting go means a fresh new start for my girl. New place. New people.

Letting go means driving to Kingston, Ontario, three hours away from home, a couple of days early so the sibs can be comfortable with Claire's new surroundings. Their approval and support is a key component to her comfort level.

Letting go means driving to Kingston, Ontario, three hours away from home, a couple of days early so Claire - my "anxiety" girl - can be comfortable with her new surroundings :)

Letting go means putting my boys on the VIA train so all of Claire's belongings could fit into the Suburban. It was a wonderful adventure for them!

Letting go means giving Claire a strict budget from now through Thanksgiving. Then through Christmas. Then through February reading week. Then through exams. Then we'll start all over again.

Letting go means someone else will have to be trained in the position of "shotgun". Claire rocks at "shotgun". I wonder who will be my new co-pilot? In this instance birth order counts for nothing!

Letting go means allowing for non-catastrophic mistakes to be made. Fingers crossed and notes to the Universe that any mistake made will build her character and create a firm foundation for learning. Fingers crossed and notes to the Universe that I remember that mistakes are to be expected!

Letting go means remembering frosh orientation week at University only happens once in a lifetime and it can be more fun than anything else up to this point in her life.

Letting go means worrying if she is eating okay, taking her medication/supplements, the condition of her eczema, her level of anxiety, her waking in time in the morning to make it to class on time, her making new friends, her enjoying classes and professors, her new sheets don't itch. Realizing and embracing that I have no control over any of it and she'll let me know if and when I can help.

Letting go means finally having the truck back to myself. Well, until I have to start teaching Cole who has just completed his DriveWise in-class course. His first in-car lesson is on this coming Thursday.

Letting go means I can curate and mail out some kick-ass awesome care packages.

Letting go means I have to learn Skype, SnapChat and FaceTime. Claire and I have just purchased identical mugs for soup and tea which will be part of the whole touch-base ritual. Now we just have to settle in and choose a regular time that will work in both of our schedules. I'm looking forward to hearing from her.

Letting go means it's time to have another baby - just not one in human form!

Letting go means I don't have to give voice my differing opinions. I am allowed to think whatever I want, but don't necessarily have to express my concerns. Breathe.

Letting go means I have to find someone else to go with me to Yame Sushi and Chapters.

Letting go means I am trusting that my girl has been raised well and knows how to make good choices. Good choices for her.

As a parent I don't often have opportunity for feedback since creating a full-fledged adult is years in the making. Even though she was in boarding last year, Claire was still with all of her siblings in a school less than a kilometre away from home. This year? THIS is my report card.

MORE important, this year is the time my girl will figure out who she is and who she wants to be. I'm so very proud of her and can't wait to hear all of her stories and discoveries! Well. Those she's willing to share ;)

live a better life | don't feed the demons

[source]

I don't often go onto my "stats" page. Imagine my surprise when I was clicking around and realized over this past weekend that I was getting a ridiculous number of hits and page reads - starting last Thursday. We're talking in the area of 300+ per day. This, I can assure you, is not normal.

The good thing is I can see where the weird clicks are coming from and in this case it was a link from Two Peas in a Bucket. No, it was not a beautiful layout I had posted, it was an article I had written five years ago.

Ah yes. It's summertime. The annual dragging up of "the post".

What's the big deal? Once I realized where all the activity was coming from, I did not click through myself to see what was being said. Now, all of us familar with Two Peas know that, like too many a lot of online forums, the "General" Message Board is toxic and troll-filled. This suited my purpose perfectly when I originally posted my rant - which I posted on my blog at the time, as well. Then, like all things on a toxic message board, it burst well out of my control. People did not read my actual post, they read the comments and that is where they formed their opinions.

They were not kind.

As tempting as it was, I didn't need to relive that experience. Though there was a pull of curiosity*, I realized it would provide me with no positive or helpful information or insight.

This year I've chosen not to feed the demons.

What I found very interesting, of the hundreds of clicks here through the week there was not one comment left here for me to read. Did you agree? I don't know. Did you disagree? I don't know. Can we have a conversation? I guess not.

We all have moments of insecurity. I doubt myself often enough as the sole provider of four teenagers without having a few hundred people who don't know me at all making harsh judgments about me, my character and my parenting. 

The past couple of years, and indeed up until a couple of months ago I would have given into my curiosity*. Now? I know better. I am really learning to understand and embrace the concept that what others think of me really isn't any of my business. For those who found their way here, who want to have a conversation, let's have one. For those who don't, fine with me. I hope for those who spent over an hour and read over 100 pages that you learned what you think you needed to know.

What was that "famous" post?

Here it is:

13 June 2008

I am so looking forward to the end of the school year. Perhaps more than my kids are anticipating it! I cannot wait to spend some time with each of them ... and all of them!

Don't get me wrong. We do not experience the lazy days of summer as this season can be pretty hectic around here. There is no sleeping-in as most week days the kids are off to camp. This year camp includes: canoe, sports, adventure, basketball, soccer, leadership, golf, dance, theatre arts, baseball, sailing, archery, explorer, hockey, fitness, math, French and computers. Hey, I have four kids. It just looks like a lot ;)

We've also scheduled one "mama week" for each kid. They get to choose the agenda for the day for five days in a row. I've overheard conversations about visiting the Science Centre, R.O.M., Canada's Wonderland, Maid of the Mist in Niagara Falls, Art Gallery of Ontario, Royal Botanical Garden, a visit to the Hockey Hall of Fame, Butterfly Conservatory in Niagara. I'm kind of hoping Claire suggests some kind of a Spa Day! We may even go for an overnight visit someplace depending on the 3on3 hockey, baseball, dryland training schedules that are ongoing every evening. As most of my friends know, I am not adverse to taking a small trip - 4 hours one way - to visit family and friends overnight. Yes, consider that a warning!

Not only that, but we have friends coming in to visit with us from all parts! My kids are thrilled to meet new people and entertain. My friends are thrilled to have a chance to kick back, have a BBQ and enjoy a glass of wine (or four) and let their kids go. It's always good when they run in a pack: with Claire keeping everyone safe; and, Chloe ready to step in and either report or boss around.

We have a theme going here: busy is good; bored is bad.

We make the most of every minute. We play hard. We relax hard. Though there is some structure, it is, for the most part, pretty flexible and pretty easy going.

Okay, to the bee in my bonnet: What is wrong with all of these wretched mothers?

Stay at Home mothers who dread summer holidays? Teachers who don't want to spend more time with more children - hey, newsflash, these are your children in the summer! Worse? Caregivers who are taking care of working mother's children because they cannot take the time off leaving children in your care and you're crabbing about how awful it's going to be?

Get over it! Why have children if not to enjoy them, nurture them, have fun with them, spend time with them? Why offer to take care of other children if you don't like it?

I know there are times when being a parent is trying and exhausting. It's certainly not all sunshine and flowers around here, but hey, that was our choice to have four delightful monsters. It is your choice.

You made a mistake? Suck it up buttercup.

Don't let those kids feel like the worst thing in the world is them being around ruining your time. You think they don't feel it? You make comments in the grocery line, to your friend at the park, to your sister on the phone, to your on line friends, at the ballpark or soccer field, to other mothers at after school pick-up, to your husband at the top of your lungs (with the door closed, of course), at the community pool, everywhere you think people are willing to hear you whine about how wretched your life is going to be for the nine weeks of summer holiday.

You think those children don't hear you? They don't feel it?

Come on. Be the GROWN UP. You are responsible for them. For nine weeks it is NOT ABOUT YOU. Deal.

Or even, dare I say it? Enjoy!

Originally published here: http://l2l-lemons2lemonade.blogspot.ca/2008/06/latest-bee-in-my-bonnet.html

Like I said, it served it's purpose at the time. Would I write the same thing now? For the most part, yes. Some of the words might change, but the concept would stay the same.

What about you? Agree? Disagree?

*curiosity = demon

pmm | caden is on the swim team

When the coach of the Middle School swim team approached me at a school event about Caden swimming for the team, I was surprised. Caden? Swim?

I was immediately brought back* to his time in intensive care at Sick Kids, then his recovery time at Bloorview and what I wanted most to do was hyperventalate at the absurdity of the idea. Instead, I simply asked him if he wanted to join the school swim team. He did.

It's about him, not me, so he joined.

It took me until the very last meet of the year to go and watch. Our school has a very small deck and it's hard to take photos. Well, that's the excuse I use :) Caden asked me to attend the last meet of the season at the Etobicoke Olympium. How could I say no?

Caden was entered in three events: 50M Free, 50M Backstroke and 200M Free Medley. I made it out to the pool mid-morning and managed to see him in the 50M Backstroke. I love that every time I ask him how he did in a meet he claims "great, best time yet". He gets it. At this point, the game is not to win the heat but to always beat your personal best. In his 50M Backstroke race he beat his personal best by over 8 seconds. Yay! He came in 43rd place - out of 50 participants

My boy continues to be very angry with me that I have made him stop playing football. He's not pleased he had to give up rugby, either. (It turns out he really didn't like playing hockey, so he was happy mama made him stop. As it turns out, skates hurt - among other things.) We are trying to find a suitable alternative.

That alternative just might be swimming. He likes it way more than hockey and a bit more than rugby. He has even agreed to attend "Performance Swim Camp" this summer in order to get better. Caden's mother is a big believer that if you don't do something well you don't grasp the "fun" in an activity. The better you are at anything the more fun you will have. I encourage Caden's improvement no matter what the activity happens to be.

To be completely honest, I'm just over the moon that we can even experience these arguments and joys and lessons - bring it. I'm so proud of him!

* * * * *

* In 2002, just before Caden turned 3 he almost drown in our pool. His father called me at an event and I rushed to our local hospital to watch the medical staff try to shove a breathing tube down his throat. For an hour. I was then transported, via police car, to Sick Kids hospital in Toronto where Caden remained in a coma, in urgent care, for a week then onto another floor - it's a blur. Upon his discharge, he and I then spent a month, every day, at Bloorview where he went for therapy: occupational, psychological and physical. It was the most traumatic experience of his life. And mine.

List | Listening

I have always enjoyed popular music. That being said, it never occurred to me that at this age and stage I would enjoy the same music as my kids. It kind of surprised me, when Claire put on the Alt Nation station on our XM satelite system in the truck, that I recognized and enjoyed most of what is being played.

I tell you, it makes for some pretty pleasant road trips sharing similar musical tastes with my kids!

These are older and newer tunes just newly-added to my iPod.

Gotye Somebody That I Used To Know

Death Cab For Cutie Stay Young, Go Dancing

Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds If I Had A Gun

The Black Keys Gold On The Ceiling

The Naked And Famous Punching In A Dream

Hey Rosetta!* Welcome

Givers Up Up Up

Bombay Bicycle Club Shuffle (starts with an ad, sorry - worth the wait!!)

The Temper Trap Sweet Disposition

M83 Midnight City

Low Level Flight* Cash Machine

Foo Fighters These Days & Walk

The Joy Formidable A Heavy Abacus

Group Love Tongue Tied (another ad, but again, worth the wait)

City and Colour* The Grand Optimist

Young The Giant Apartment & Cough Syrup

Cults Go Outside

Mumford & Sons Roll Away Your Stone & The Cave

The Standstills* Carry On

Fun We Are Young

Foster The People Don't Stop (Color On The Walls) & Pumped Up Kicks

Of Monsters And Men Little Talks

*Indicates Canadian :)

Have you found anything new that you like?

What are you listening to these days?

Cole | Headshots

My Cole has always been a performer - never afraid to get up in front of a crowd to give a presentation, sing a song alone or in a group, always participating in life in some outgoing and expressive way. Since his recent success as Teen Angel in Grease he has expressed an interest (aka, been relentless in his pursuit) of acting lessons. As it happens, one of the men on Caden's hockey coaching staff has a brother who teaches acting for a living. And, bonus, he's local!

Cole went to his first class and it was a tremendous success. He was asked to go out immediately and get a set of head shots. Nothing was more immediate than the next day!

This is what we came up with:

Thank goodness he was still on Spring Break and the weather was so wonderful. We headed over to the school campus and had him simply do what he does wearing what he likes. At least it's a start! 

Tell me, do you have a favourite? A combination? What do you think?

Toot: Simple Aussie Girls

Have you been over to the Simple Aussie Girls blog? It is a relatively new collaborative effort of a group of Australian mums who decided to start a blog to share clean and simple pages. Pages that make the journalling the most important feature. Count me a fan! The design and the photos are wonderful too, but I love the focus on the stories.

A while back, my friend-in-the-computer Amy, contacted me about submitting a couple of layouts.

I was flattered! I am flattered!

My layouts were featured a few days ago. I received a couple of comments on the SAG blog as well as on FaceBook, so here are the layouts including materials list and a blurb about each:

(click image to enlarge)

MATERIALS: Cardstock: Bazzill | Printed Paper: Little Yellow Bicycle | Stickers: Basic Grey, Heidi Swapp |
Font: VT Portable Remington

I always find "white space" to be a bit of a challenge. To keep it all cohesive and balanced is not always easy. I think this layout works. My pages are all very representative of our everyday life as opposed to the big occasions. The longer I scrapbook the less photos I use on each page. One photo represents the story or the mood and the journaling puts it all together.

(click image to enlarge)

MATERIALS: Cathy Zelske template - retired (from Design Your Life course) | Papers: All old, all free and all before I figured out how to save properly: lynng-crisp-2, PinkPeacock_Talkative_Paper1 | Fonts: Dymo, Agnes.

I want my scrapbook albums to be authentic and honest. Raising children is hard. I don't want, when they look back at their stories, to give the illusion that life growing up was easy or perfect. That would set my kids up with unrealistic expectations when it's time for them to be parents themselves. At the same time, I want to relay to them that humour is key. So, with humour and love, I make real pages.

It was so nice to "meet" the ladies over at the Simple Aussie Girls blog. I wish them all the success in the world! I love everything they represent :) If you haven't been over, be sure to give them a visit.

If I'm a Good Mother

I was inspired by this post and thought I'd give it a try.

If I'm a good mother it is only because of ...

Chicken Fingers
Equipment trees
Established routines
Perrier
Cyber & IRL friends
Laundry love
Sauvignon Blanc
Singing in the car
Lists
Flip Flops
Canon 40D
Grilled salmon
Clean bathrooms
Lemon anything
Family support
Jamie Oliver
Crafty projects
Eucerin Cream
Oodles of activities
Books
Cool basement
Mechanical Pencils
Blackberry
Pub Night
Popcorn
Reactine
Hugs
Bubbles & Sidewalk Chalk
Lake views
Daily walks
Always having something to do

At the end of it all, if I'm a good mother it is only because I have four spectacular kids.