Embrace Life

PROJECT | Me: The Abridged Version

In one week I'll be back in the classroom - a virtual one, with one of my very favourite teachers! Cathy Zielske will be guiding the course Me: The Abridged Version for Project Life™ for 4-weeks starting on October 9th. With all of the changes in my life since I last tackled this project - and, whoot, finished it! - five YEARS ago, I thought it would be a good idea to sign up and complete this version. Fortunately, having taken plenty of Cathy Zielske guided workshops before, I knew this one would not disappoint!

The only thing I am struggling to decide: digital or paper? I ordered the kit from Studio Calico AND downloaded all of the digital art files at Big Picture Classes. I keep vascilating between the two equally inspiring options. Argh! No matter, one way or the other, the album will be completed - and it'll be awesome!

In the meantime, I'm collecting words that resonate in me. Words that speak to who I am today. I have not referenced my last project as I want to start fresh with this project. I started writing out words, and more words - filling up far more than the two pages originally alloted. I think about words in the car and call to leave a voice mail with more words. Then text words to myself as I'm at the grocery store. I've become obsessed with this project and my need to do it accurately and well.

With so many words collected, I've been moving them into a document to define them by how they speak to me. Each word represents just one very small part of me; all together they will only hint at the whole me, but I'll do my best! Once I have it all written out, I'll decide which words speak loudest and they'll be the ones I choose to include in the finished album.

Between creative writing classes and workshops, blog articles, my "One Little Word" grace making way for another guiding word in 2015, defining my core desired feelings via The Desire Map, you'd think I'd be worded out, but I'm finding it actually is the other way around: I'm more inspired and fired up to write and discover and find inspiration - and maybe provide some too!

Words | The Home Key

Recently I started another creative writing course held on Tuesdays in Burlington. Last week I received a note from my instructor, Brian Henry, asking me to do a "Show and Tell" piece for the class. The parameters were broad: pick something to show and then tell about it. Simple enough. Ha! I started the process at least 20 times and finally settled on this one.

SHOW:

TELL:

The Home Key
Creative Writing Class | 500 Words | 30 September 2014

        I look at this small gold house key with cautious anticipation. It may be a small bit of metal with sharp grooves and notches, but it packs an emotional wallop! Will it be the last house key I have on my chain or is it just another one in a collection of many I’ve had over the years?

        According to Dr. Brené Brown, the single emotion people are most afraid of is joy. Seriously. We are collectively conditioned to wait for the other shoe to drop so we never fully appreciate the moments of joy when they are right in front of us. We anticipate with more surety the promise of disaster or, at the very least, failure. Joy is terrifying.

        I don’t want to be afraid of my joy and this house key represents my opportunity to overcome my history, my fear and lean into and fully embrace gratitude. Only then will I fully understand joy.

        The journey to this one key is found in all of the keys before it. The house to which I was born in Saint John, New Brunswick, where my mum was a nurse and my dad worked at the sugar refinery and I spent my days with my grandmother. The tiny two-bedroom townhouse in married student housing in Watertown, Massachusetts, where I moved with my dad, pregnant mum and little sister so my dad could attend school to earn his business degree. The split-level ranch house just outside Cleveland where I was initiated into the lifestyle of quintessential (read: tacky) 1970s suburbia with dads gone through the workweek and cheesy neighbourhood gatherings on the weekends. The house in North Toronto where my mother thought wallpapering the dining room ceiling and putting indoor-outdoor carpet in the kitchen was some kind of interior design statement - it was, and it was not good! The house in the Chicago suburbs with the pool, the ping-pong table and the basketball court in the barn. The other house in Toronto, which would become home-base until I left for boarding school six years later. Then there were no keys since in the all-girls school of 165 students the idea of privacy was absurd. My rooms at university had keys but who ever thought to use them? We never had anything of any value to steal so why bother locking up? My first job took me to Buffalo, New York and a full-on transient existence with various roommates and a boyfriend or two. There were plenty of house keys but the only keys that mattered opened office doors. A favourite key was the one I got when I bought my first house after my transfer to Calgary: a sweet bungalow where I housed my fiancé-then-husband, my first baby and a second soon after. Another transfer brought us to Ontario where I had three more keys to houses that welcomed two more children, survived one bout with cancer, endured one near-death experience, lost one business, and initiated one divorce.

        This key? This key is so much more than a small bit of metal with sharp grooves and notches. This key opens the door to a home as I no longer live in just a house. This key opens the door to my home.

* * * * *

I have always felt, to my bones, that more than anything else, I am a writer.

Growing up I was mocked, ridiculed and told regularly that my idea of being a writer was simply ridiculous. I was too sensitive, I had my head in the clouds, I had to come down to earth and make something of myself. When I was 15 my mother took it upon herself to take one of my hidden works and read it aloud at the Thanksgiving table. I was mortified and never wrote with the same freedom of expression again. It was time to stop dreaming and focus on more practical pursuits. Until now.

Lately I've found some workshops and courses that have lead me to believe that maybe, just maybe, I can tap back into the writer buried deep inside.

My Truth About Getting Older

I turn 50 today.

If I could have predicted what life would be like at 50 when I was 25, 35 or even 45, my current experience is not what I would have imagined, not in my wildest dreams. It is so much better than anything I could have ever considered.

Truth. You don't know what you don't know.

50 may seem like a big number and I suppose it is. Most days I don't really feel much older than I did when I was 20! Then again there are those other days I feel much older.

When I was younger I spent a lot of time and effort running toward growing up, proceeded to grow up way too fast and then desperately looked back at what I'd missed and tried to fix what was broken while trying to hold onto the good bits. It was exhausting - physically and emotionally.

I can do difficult things. My divorce, final for almost a year, was a needlessly long and expensive process. It turned out to be simply one event in a long list of hard lessons I've learned along my way to 50. What my divorce did was remind me of who I once was - 20 years ago. Today, I am able to move forward holding onto the many good bits - named Claire, Cole, Chloé and Caden - and leave behind the limiting beliefs and lazy habits that don't serve me.

Every day I learn something new. What a relief it was for me to learn that I could not possibly have all of the answersl - and that was okay - I no longer needed to! I was practically giddy when I realized there is always something new to learn. I am insatiably curious and once I think I've learned enough I realize there is still more. I love this feeling of openness and acceptance. My latest discovery: the continual learning held within the daily practice of practice. If something I learn resonates, I incorporate it into my daily practice which includes meditation, gratitude, writing, cooking and creating; all of which provide for many opportunities to discover new things.

I say yes. After years of overwhelm and emotional stress, I am now open enough and strong enough to say yes to every opportunity that resonates positively within me. Lunch with someone new? Yes. Meditation? Yes. Manage a volleyball team? Yes. Reformer Pilates class? Yes. A trip? Yes, well, yes with limits. Rarely do I say no, but when I do it is a well considered reply and no longer an automatic response.

The opposite of love is indifference. Really. If you still feel a pang, an inkling of guilt, a need to have the last word, an ounce of fight left, a molecule of longing, then you are not done - that chapter is not closed and you cannot move on. Done is when you can let a person leave your life with the knowledge you gave all you had to give and send them away with a simple wish that they make the best of their life without you in it.

I live with the courage of my convictions. When challenged, I no longer feel the need to justify why I feel the way I feel or how I learned what I know to be true. It took years to figure out what works for me and I no longer feel the defensive need to explain myself. As others are entitled to their beliefs, so am I.

I am more accepting. Of my flaws and the flaws of others; well considered opinions of others. I find the truth in the cracks, the light in the journey, the lessons in the differences. I am so relieved to be in a space where I can be simply happy for other people instead of feeling threatened or jealous or judgmental. I am no longer resistant to change. In fact, I am resistant to stagnation and stubborn beliefs borne of habit and laziness.

This too shall pass has become my mantra. Good times don't stay forever, neither do bad times. A full life has within it many changes. I've learned to roll with it - all of it. Bad times hold within them good lessons; good times hold the rewards for all the hard work. Cliché but true, without the bad times we'd never appreciate and value the good. I have learned that neither stays around for long. I am hopeful that at the end of my days there were a few more good than bad times and any catastrophe is balanced with glorious windfalls.

I worry less and expect little. You'd think the opposite would be true, but once I relinquished the laughable idea that I had any control, real control, over anything, my life became far more calm and manageable. I easily avoid drama and have completely disengaged from blame, shoulds, shame and as many negative influences and emotions as possible. Expectations can be the root of much sadness, disappointment and confusion. I no longer expect but I do have standards and boundaries - high for some, reasonable for me. I can only control what I can control - me - and my reactions and interactions in any given situation.

I lean in. I lean into resistance, into my fear. I've learned that on the other side of fear is usually exactly what I need, that for which has been elusive is found when I suck it up and face my fear head-on. Resistance indicates that I'm ohsoclose to what I want whether it be at reformer Pilates class and I don't think I can take more pain, at Kundalini meditation when I don't think I can take more enlightenment, a writing assignment I'm afraid to hand in for critique, a limiting belief that has a big "stop" sign (virtual, of course) making me doubt myself and my capability. I take the time to question and explore anything that strikes me with an immediate "no, I can't/won't do that" and have discovered so much about myself, the people and world around me.

I just can't fix some things. I can't fix mean. I can't fix neglect. I can't fix stupid. I can't fix selfish. I can't fix hypocrisy. I can't fix unaccountable. I can acknowledge, avoid and ignore, but I can't fix. My new response? I do not engage. I do not attend every fight I'm invited to and often turn and walk away after any failed attempt at giving voice to my view. I live a life of kindness and truth engaged fully in my own authenticity.

I show up. Every day. For my life. For my kids' lives. For anything that makes me a better person, regardless of the level of challenge. For my kids, I always advocate for them, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but I always show up for them.

I am a work in progress. After stagnating for a long time, I am now hopeful, optimistic and looking forward to what life has to offer. Not only that, but I've come to know for sure that I have plenty to offer and am planning to do more of that in the near future.

Do I have regrets? Not many. Though, every single regret has propelled me to use the experience to make better decisions going forward. The only rule in our house (besides the much maligned 24-hour notice to mama before kids go out rule) is a simple one: treat people the way you want to be treated. Nothing defuses a mean person faster than kindness - especially if you are kinder than necessary.

I've had a full summer and I'm taking this, our last week of holiday for the two kids still living at home, to construct a plan for the year ahead. I'm going to revisit the Desire Map and determine my Core Desired Feelings for 50 and beyond. From there I'll be able to chart a course for my future that will be fulfilling and heart-centred.

I am well on my way!

real right now | living la vida single

I know it is not considered the most popular choice, but since my separation and subsequent divorce, I've chosen to remain single. This is not for lack of opportunity, but I wanted to take some time to be alone to figure out who I was and who I want to become, without distraction. Though, alone surrounded by four active teenagers is not the same as being alone, solitary.

There are a few things I've embraced in the last four or five years:

STAY SINGLE.

Without any judgment, this part has been easy. It was time for me to do some real hard work and soul searching and it didn't make sense for me to drag a stranger, even a cooperative one, through the journey. I want to find someone when I am healed, not when I am shattered. I am now at the point where I am happy and healthy enough to consider the possibility of reinvolvement and am often baffled when people are so fearful of being alone that they jump right into relationships without consideration of their own physical and mental health, their wholeness. Perhaps it is because I've always known that being in a relationship is not a goal, it is a part of an experience, not the experience. My wholeness has been my priority.

RECONNECT WITH FRIENDS.

This part of the process has been awesome. I have managed, in spite of my inate ability to sabotage myself, to curate an absolutely wonderful group of friends - men and women - and I am regularly reminded of their fabulousness. They were so wonderful when I needed to vent, bounce ideas, make plans and simply cry (since I'm allowed to do that now!). They got me out of my comfort zone and out of the house to Yoga, to Euchre, to the driving range, to Meditation, to the movies and theatre, to lunches out, to reformer Pilates, to the Oakville Club, to Zenbar, to Harper's Landing to people watch and laugh, to sell and to buy and sell and buy homes, to writing workshops and art therapy classes. I am truly grateful to all of them - individually and collectively.

RECONNECT WITH FAMILY.

This part has been a lot of fun. I have four sisters (of the full and step variety) and all of us have kids and very full lives. We all live in the GTA (Greater Toronto Area) and it is wonderful not just for us to connect with each other and our parents, but to foster strong relationships among the 12 grandchildren who range in age from 18 to 1! We've enjoyed many celebrations: graduations, birthdays, holidays and simple visits that often morph into big events. Before any of these gatherings there are no mindless arguments, emotional blackmail, attempts at sabotage or undermining of carefully built relationships - if some are only fragile attempts at d'étant. Everyone cleans up nicely and puts on their big girl (and boy) panties and we have learned to enjoy rather than armour up. One of the best things that happened to my children was spending Thanksgiving (2012) with my extended family in the Maritimes a couple of years ago. From that point forward they knew, felt fully, that they were a part of a much larger, loving and connected, group. It was a life altering experience for all of us. My family rocks.

SPEND TIME WITH MARRIED FRIENDS.

Most of my friends are married. Happily so. It is so very nice to be exposed to healthy relationships that have endured the test of time and teenagers and aging parents and sickness and health. I am especially grateful to the husbands of my friends who have gone out of their way to provide a strong male figure in the lives of my kids who feel the sting of paternal abandonment. Sadly so. I have a few friends who think it is so much better on my side of the relationship world and in a few cases I've had to advocate quite strongly for councelling and compromise. My exposure to both happy and unhappy friends has simply confirmed to me that single was my only option.

TRAVEL.

After our cruise on the Oasis of the Seas, birthday trip to Barbados and my annual visits to Canyon Ranch in Tucson, I have come to the conclusion that I am happy to be a homebody. We've driven to Welland and London in a blizzard, actually two blizzards for volleyball; to Stratford to enjoy wonderful plays and some baseball; to Toronto for sports events, concerts, family and great food; to Niagara Falls for the crazy of it all; to Muskoka to enjoy cottage country; and Kingston for regular visits with Claire. Each summer I take the kids with me to our beach house in Cape Cod for at least 5 days, preferably longer but sometimes that just doesn't work out! Sometimes we stop on the way, sometimes we go straight through. We take day trips some years and other years finds us not leaving the beach. I'm happy to live the great long-haul adventures vicariously through my kids as they go off on their adventures! If I were to go anywhere in the future, I'm thinking about heading to Glastonbury for some spiritual infusion, or drive around the ring road in Iceland, or to walk in the streets of history in Rome or Athens. We'll see.

BE PICKY.

Okay, so this was a challenge! I have come to learn that my time has value and I dole it out carefully. Time is an investment and I do not invest in something that does not nourish me in some way as a person with value. I now spend time with people who are kind, who bring out the best in me, who challenge me. I now choose activities that are kind, that bring out the best in me, that challenge me. I am no longer so concerned about my likeability that I settle into some expectation of others. I've also carefully re-evaluated every one of my romantic entaglements of the past and can see clearly the similarities, a consistent trend, among the men I have dated. I will not date that kind of man again. I know what to avoid in the future and on the two opportunities the universe has given me recently I'm not feeling the pull of temptation toward that type of man any more.

FIND MYSELF.

This was hard. I was lost. For a long time I couldn't remember who I was or who I wanted to be. I kept myself so busy to distract me from the failures inside me, my desperate feeling of scarcity and need. I battled daily with my constant insecurity and (bizarrely) surrounded myself with people - men and women - who fed the false reality that I was not enough. Kicked to the curb they all went, one by one. As it is known to do, the universe was busy sending me tests and this one I passed with flying colours. I don't know that I'll have to pass that particular challenge again. Thank goodness I have an insatiable curiosity about everything and once I focused it on myself and my own happiness and self-acceptance there was no turning back. The woman I lost has now been found, and has improved. I'm delighted to make new discoveries every day. I am enjoying the evolution of me. I am especially thankful for Brené Brown, Danielle LaPorte, Sarah Addison Allen, Cathy Zielske, Arianna Huffington and so many more in-person examples of consistent authenticity and courage.

LET GO.

In the process of finding myself was the necessity to let go. I am divorced for a reason - well, many reasons, as is every person who has split up with anyone ... ever. When I tell people the specifics of my situation it often leaves them breathless, but I've realized that on the whole, my situation is far from unique. I needed to learn to let go of the anger, distrust, and sadness. My situation was made easier as I was forced to be stronger than I am and more resilient than I am for the four children I am solely responsible to raise. It took some time, but I finally got myself to a space where I was grateful for the lessons I learned about myself. I became a far better person than I ever would have been without that 20-year experience.

GET HEALTHY.

Armed with Synthroid, new Asics and FitBit, I was determined to get in shape. I walked until I hurt myself - my left hip and my right knee were reminders of long-forgotten tennis injuries. As a result I've embraced meditation, yoga and reformer Pilates and I am stronger than ever before. If only swimming weren't so wet - and cold! My food choices changed to include far more fruits and vegetables and far less bread and starch; far more protein and almost no sugar. There has been absolutely ZERO change to my weight. It has been excruciatingly frustrating - for me and the doctors. I have not let it deter me and my efforts. As much as I'd like to drown my sorrows in a Carol's Cheesecake Company carrot cake, I don't. There are still things I can do, like drink more water and less wine but I'm doing the best I can.

MEET NEW PEOPLE.

With new activities have come new people - many new people. Not only have I exposed myself to art classes, writing classes, book clubs, fitness classes, meditation classes, life coaching, new activities for the kids and the instructors, but all of the participants, too. I have been invited to parties for friends and know that there will be rooms filled with people I do not know. Such social engagement fills me with paralyzing apprehension and I have backed out a few times. Lately though, even with the same fear, I've gone out the door and enjoyed my time out and engaged with the world around me. I do believe that I can now fully embrace my "man list" and put it out there with confidence that there is someone out there who can meet my unchanged criteria :)

ENJOY IT.

I am. Every minute of my life is a challenge, but those challenges are now met with patience, kindness and understanding. I know it's cliché to say that you can't be happy with someone else until you are happy with yourself, but it's true. I am making consistently good choices and looking forward to a bright and sparkling future ahead.

Morning | 30-minute Ritual

Now that the weather is improving and morning is more welcome, I've realized I want to savour the start of my day rather than continue with the frantic jump out of bed at the sound of the alarm slapping my clock, setting up the coffee maker (I had not yet mastered the automatic setting), jockeying of cars to take kids to school, a quick shower and then drive to the school and back with green juice in hand.

Just when I was forming my desire, I realized I wasn't the only one as I read this article which confirmed exactly what I suspected: it is time to slow down.

For the last few weeks, I've set the alarm a little earlier: 6:30AM vs 6:45AM to build in a 15 minute cushion before our daily 7:30AM departure for drop off at school. I have now mastered the automatic brew setting on the coffee maker so when I enter the kitchen I simply have to pour a cup.

I anchor my new peace and calm ritual with:

1. My first, and only, cup of coffee for the day,
2. I open a single serve greek yogurt and add 10 almonds,
3. doors at the front and back are opened and I enjoy the weather that greets me, relieved that the temperatures are now consistently balmy,
4. enjoying the silence, I spend about 5 minutes breathing and becoming centred, often outside on the back deck,
5. my writing computer - a little 11" MacBook Air - is opened and I spend the time, before hollering up to wake children at 7AM, writing out my morning pages.

Once the kids come downstairs in various stages of dress, maybe eat something (none are enthusiastic breakfast eaters), put their bags together with whatever is needed for their school day, the chaos is in full swing. The deal is that the first one downstairs, fully dressed and organized gets "shotgun". While they're getting organized, I run down to the garage and move up Claire's car and park it on the street. I walk in the front door, grab a green drink out of the fridge, and follow the kids to the basement and out to the garage and we leave as close to 7:30AM as possible.

What I no longer do is:

1. Resent the alarm clock,
2. frantically do anything,
3. skip breakfast,
4. immediately shuffle the cars,
5. take a quick shower before leaving for drop off, I now shower upon my return.

This new ritual really resonates with me and my well-being. I am far more mindful of myself and what I need to do during the day, week, month. I find that by being far more centred I am more energized through the day. I'm not sure how it will change now that we're in exams and school will be finished for the year in little more than a week.

I am happy I've established a practice of peace and calm that is good for me, reinforcing my need a kind and positive start to my days.

Of course, this will all be changed up in a few days when we enter our summer holidays. I am hoping to continue to wake earlier than the kids and keep a slower pace, a more gentle entry to my days. I find over summer I lose my sense of routine and it affects me in a negative way as I tend to spin when I have no anchor for my thoughts and activity. I hope this will provide that daily ritual that keeps me grounded!k

Fluff & Nonsense | As Yet Unshared

As always, I'm inspired by Susannah Conway! I enjoy these "emotional mining" kind of posts. It reminds me of where I was and how far I've come in all the small details which are regularly overlooked. I've managed to cram an awful lot in! You'd think the information would be finite, but indeed, there is always more to share :)

1. I am not a particularly good gardener though I do love my bright and overflowing container plants through spring and summer.
2. I appreciate yellow for some things but it is not my favourite colour.
3. Perhaps it's because I struggle with my yellow chakra (self-worth, judgment)?
4. Yes, I am learning a ton of metaphysical and spiritual concepts.
5. The first albums I ever owned were The Eagles "Hotel California"; Billy Joel "Stranger"; Fleetwood Mac "Rumours", and Meatloaf "Bat Out of Hell" all purchased at Sam the Record Man on Yonge Street on the same day in 1977.
6. I enjoy folding laundry; I dislike cleaning up the dinner dishes.
7. I believe secrets are the most distructive force in the universe.
8. Though I owned a baseball training facility, I have no clue how to throw a ball.
9. I am early for everything. Late drives me bonkers.
10. Though I will not go in any water where I cannot see the bottom, I love being close to the ocean - the sound of the waves, the breeze, the heavy salty air.
11. I do not celebrate or encourage "Hallmark" holidays.
12. I graduated high school as valedictorian and had my choice of universities to attend.
13. I did not gratuate from university. That fact used to bother me terribly. It does not bother me any more.
14. My first name is Jennifer. I am not a Jennifer.
15. I am an abstainer, not a modifier. I can't just have a bite of cake, I have to have a whole slice (especially carrot cake!); I can't just watch one episode, I have to watch them all; I can't drink a glass of wine "only on weekends", the restriction makes me antsy, so I have no restriction and then manage to drink only on weekend.
16. I have recently learned that I am violently allergic to eggs. This makes me very sad as my most favourite meal on a lazy weekend morning is poached eggs on toast.
17. I used to have panic attacks when driving on the highway. The worst one was while driving through Pennsylvania with my daughter, Claire, to Arlington, VA to visit my sister 11 years ago.
18. I won a grade 6 spelling contest by spelling Pennsylvania properly.
19. I am addicted to oracle cards.
20. There is only one person from my past I'd like to find: Stacy - the boy best-friend of David, with the girl name; while in contrast I was the girl best-friend of David with the boy name :)
21. I am constantly washing my hands - and countertops. I hate sticky!
22. I do not like going to the movies as the theatre itself freaks out my germaphobic tendencies. I blame an Oprah show from years ago that covered the topic!
23. I love seafood, especially lobster. Women in my family tend to become highly intollerant of seafood, anaphylaxic, so I eat as much as I can when I have the opportunity! Until I can't.
24. My greatest wish is to be a size 14 again.
25. I can manage to "play" extrovert for only short periods at a time - and then it takes me double that time to recover.

 Wow! I had forgotten a lot of that stuff! What about YOU? What do people not know about you?

Challenge | "I" Statements

Ages ago, Becky Higgins posted a list of "I" statements and challenged those who read her blog to do the same, so here it goes :)

I WAS … recently reveling in how much I enjoy my life, now. Even with all of the drama and chaos of raising four kids alone, it is challenging, rewarding and fulfilling. I am present and engaged, every day.

I AM … delighted to have learned how to put me on the list and discovered things I enjoy that keep me centred and challenged: meditation, pilates and new courses including writing and art.

I THINK … this summer is going to be greatly enjoyed after suffering so long through four solid months of ice and snow on the ground.

I WONDER … what's next. Because, as we all know, it won't be on any plan :)

I WISH … there was a permanent cure for eczema and psoriasis - and thyroid disease, too.

I SAVE … all of my errands and shopping to do all in one day. The idea of having to run around and shop more than once a week is too much for me to bear.

I ALWAYS … cringe when my kids make bad food choices: refined sugar is terrible. Sweet poison.

I CAN'T IMAGINE … not going to Cape Cod for at least a little bit of every summer. It is such an integral part of our family experience. I'm glad the tradition will continue in a few short months.

I BELIEVE … if you treat people the way you would like to be treated a lot of misunderstandings and unkind behaviour can be avoided. It is, for me, the key to a drama-reduced existence!

I PROMISE … to keep learning new things and stretch my understanding of concepts, ideas, opportunities and people around me.

I LOVE … my children, with all of my heart, every day. Even on those days when they drive me crazy.

I SCRAP … because I believe everyone has a story worth telling, mine is just a picture book rather than a novel, for now.

Becky even went so far as to have her children do the same. I loved that idea and hope to add "I" statements from each of my kids for our Project Life album.

What about you? What are your "I" statements?

move more | national walking day

Who knew the first Wednesday in April was National Walking Day? I learned about it last year when I was reading a Walking Challenge article as part of my "reset".

I have to admit I haven't done a lot of walking since winter started back in November. A combination of my left hip "catching" regularly, my right knee blowing up like a balloon when pushed too hard at Pilates, and a winter filled with ice on every sidewalk has made me feel unsteady and older than I should! I walked as often as I could but certainly not as much as I'd have liked. I even gave up on charging my Fitbit!

Keeping in mind my own personal limits, I'm hoping to lace up my sneakers every day from this point forward. The ice - the consistency of which I have never experienced ever before - has finally melted and I'm hoping to put in a few thousand steps each day in an effort to get back to a healthy form and habit. Within a month I'm hoping to consistently hit the 10,000 step mark in an effort to make that my minimum through to when the snow flies next Fall.

I've learned a lot this year.

I get so demanding with myself and forget that I am no longer the competitive tennis player I was in my youth. I push too hard, unable to face the frustration that my body is not reacting well and won't perform the way it's supposed to by failing even the simplest of tasks.

I shall be gentle. I shall not push. I shall remember the goal is long-term fitness and flexibility not short term mobility and weight loss.

So flipping frustrating!

Hopefully by the first Wednesday in April 2015, I'll be in a better space and more able to welcome with enthusiasm National Walking Day!

me | endless self improvement

I have spent an awful lot of time trying to figure out what to do with my life. Seriously, what should I DO? To make a living. To be a better person. To contribute to society. That kind of do with my life.

It turns out that my goal of being a good mum was not as far-sighted as I once thought. Not that my role as mother will ever end, but my role as ever-present mum will. That realization makes me happy and sad at the same time! As my kids need me less, I realize I had better figure out what I should do with the rest of my life. To that end I've engaged a wonderful life coach, considered many business models and ideas, I have even bought a domain name, set up a website with business cards to match!

Ugh.

I feel both defeated and excited to start, all at the same time. I'm a freaking information magpie. Then I discoverered the Daily Muse which is the WORST (read: BEST!) at giving me more things to consider. Like the article on the 50 (cheap) Professional Develop Classes Anyone Can Take. Information magpie NIRVANA!

I have followed along with people who I admire and learn from and appreciate when they "introduce" me to others who are equally talented and I often take their recommendations for projects, courses, articles. I have taken oodles of photography, writing, scrapbooking, vulnerability, blogging, photoshop, branding and self-discovery courses, primarily online, for the last decade. I regularly manage to get myself into a cycle of taking similar courses, all taught by people well qualified, but redundant in their message.

I have spent a lot of time reflecting and figuring out who I am. I will always be a work in progress, I am far too curious and like learning way too much to be content for long. Who I am, at my essense, is pretty clear and I'm okay with it. More than okay.

Now, what to do about it?

It's time to move past taking similar courses over and over again and move forward to more challenging material. The work I've done was painful, enlightening, hard and rewarding. As a result I am now completely comfortable with who I am and now have to figure how I can parlay that knowledge into a means of financial independence and creative expression.

To that end, last month I put a note out, via Facebook, to those who could provide insight into the Danielle LaPorte-recommented B-School with Maria Forleo. My virtual friend Katrina Kennedy, sent a note in support as she had taken a previous course. Now, I tell my kids ALL THE TIME that you are "judged by the company you keep" and "birds of a feather" and I'm happy to be in company of Katrina, Danielle LaPorte and even Oprah!

I am seriously behind. Sign-up for B-School coincided with my kids' ridiculously long - 18 day - March Break. I have only just clicked on the first assignment and the class is already onto the third module. That being said, I like this change in direction. It feels good. It's stirring up a whole bunch of insecurity and questions of worthiness and ability I've already addressed. It's nice to put that personal work to the test. Something I would not have been able to do if I had continued to be content just repeating the same patterns - projects and courses.

My plan moving forward is to buckle down and really focus on this investment in my future. It's looking bright!

Reverb 13 | REMIX is Underway!

I will be keeping this post here at the top for easy reference through December.

If there is nothing new posted below, click the links to go to the Reverb 13 Remix blog:

PART ONE | REFLECT

1. ONE EVENT. | 2. QUESTIONS. | 3. PERSPECTIVE. | 4. CONNECTION.

5. VULNERABILITY. | 6. WELL-BEING. 

7. 13 IN 2013. | 8. READING. | 9. YEAR IN REVIEW. | 10. ONE WORD | 2013.

 

PART TWO | MANIFEST

1. ONE WORD | 2014 | 2. EASE. | 3. GIVING. | 4. ORDINARY SPARKLING MOMENTS. 

5. CREATIVITY. | 6. RITUALS.

7. DREAM. | 8. VOCABULARY. | 9. NO | YES. | 10. CONSCIOUS ENTRY.

 

Do you want to participate in your own #reverb13 project? Be sure to go to Carolyn Rubenstein's blog and download her REMIX workbook!

 

Here's to reflecting on 2013 and looking forward to 2014 and beyond.

What about you? Reflect? Manifest? Share!

CREDITS | Prompts: Carolyn Rubenstein | Digital Template: Ali Edwards | Article Template: Cathy Zielske | Digital Papers: Katie Pertiet | Digital Embellishments: Karla Dudley | Fonts: Helvetica, Aire Bold Pro, Bebas Neue | Content, Stories & Opinions: All mine :)

celebrating the every day | scrapbooking

 

 

Isn't it funny how

day

by

day

nothing changes

but when you

look

back

everything is different ...

C.S.Lewis

 

Blink. Here I am, in my late 40's with four kids, one divorce and countless changes and experiences collected. I've read an overwhelming number of books. Taken good and not-so-good courses. Purged much bad, embraced much good and I'm in the process of deciding on what to do with the rest.

In that decision is the status of my scrapbooking.

Scrapbooking made me a better person. It certainly made me a better mother. In order to write stories about my kids I had to be there, fully; engaged, fully. It would have been so easy to go down the open rabbit hole of despair but in order to be authentic I had to be engaged and you can't be engaged when you're not present. For years scrapbooking was my refuge. I could focus on the people who brought me joy. Our stories. I could hide behind the camera and take photos of my four adorable children and focus on a life worthy of being recorded in albums.

I remember one day, at a crop, listening to a woman declare how she had purchased some new trendy paper and was going to go out to buy her children matching clothes and take them on a "photo shoot" to the park so she could scrapbook the photos to match the paper. To that point it never occured to me to take my kids on some clothes-match-paper-photo-shoot and I have to admit, I was kind of happy it hadn't! What memories are those? "Mama made us wear these strange clothes and then she took us to a place we never go to have photos taken." That would be just weird. No doubt it would be followed with "and then she got mad when we didn't cooperate" NOT experiences I was willing to risk making memories about.

Rather than creating an illusion, in that moment, I decided to live it - for real.

At the time there was a vast chasm between the mother I had always thought I would be and the mother I was. It was time for me to make an focused effort to become my ideal version of myself for my children, for me. I couldn't write, let alone publish, something patently dishonest, so I decided to make my life completely genuine and true.

Within all of my albums are authentic stories which were rarely influenced by the need to be "perfect" or *gack* fake! I am proud of my albums and that my children will be able to visit their history without any fear of it being contrived, made up, or overly-influenced by some crazy trend or celebrity dictate. Maybe they won't be thrilled that the albums are somewhat myopic, written from a singular point of view - mine - but they'll have a simple recording of their every day existence.

How can I give up the one thing that saved my life?

The reality is, I can't. It is a practice so fully ingrained in my life it would leave far too big a gap to fill. Even when I'm "behind" or didn't do a project "right" there is still joy in the process, in the organizing and collecting and writing and photo taking. The crafting and creation of something tangeable. And, wholly ours. The stories are ours and ours alone and within those every day moments our lives are celebrated. Through those stories my children are validated. They are enough. Within those albums is evidence that  I showed up.

These days it's just different. Like the quote above: but when you look back everything is different.

My albums have evolved. I'm now almost 100% digital in my approach to memory keeping - with the occasional hybrid project thrown in for variety. I really want to just publish them in book form and I am in the process of finding a printer and really need to deal with my "gutter" issues! Some things stay the same - so much creative choice!

Nowadays my favourites (continue to) include:

• Cathy Zielske, a perennial favourite for templates and her blog.
• Karla Dudley, her papers and elements leave me breathless.
• Ali Edwards, her projects are timeless and appealing.
• Becky Higgins, Project Life is exactly what I need to keep celebrating our every day. Every day.
• Big Picture Classes, the courses offered are wonderful and I take at least one per quarter - if not more!
• Designer Digitals and Pixels&Company have so much good stuff!
• Archivers Annex and Studio Calico are my go-to for all other supplies! There is not a lot available in my area and these two companies are not making a killing on shipping.

Some old, some new, some combinations of both.

Scrapbooking is like an old friend. Always there when I need it. Though sometimes I waver and wonder if it's all worth it, I'll never give it up. It will simply change and evolve with time and experiences.

desire map | favourite feeling

Prompt 2:

What was your favourite feeling this week?

At the encouragement of my friend Jill, I've been attending semi-private Reformer Pilates classes with her on Friday afternoons. They have been fabulous. And painful. Not only can I spend time with my friend, but our instructor, Jackie is knowledgeable and tough. I'm learning a lot.

This past Tuesday, I went for a private one-hour Pilates class. My favourite feeling was experienced during that intensive focus on my utter lack of flexibility - very little range of motion.

Over the last six months, I have been really embracing the connection between our thoughts and our bodies. How some things manifest in a physical way to bring attention to areas that need our focus. Like when I suffered with frozen shoulder for a couple of years - it directly correlated with the burden I was carrying at the time. I got rid of the burden and the frozen shoulder went away, too.

Pilates is hard and Jackie is tough. It is exactly what I need right now.

I realized half way into the lesson that even though I'm feeling muscles I haven't felt in years, I am really enjoying this physical challenge. My hamstrings were seizing, my glutes quivering, my belly in the way and sweat was dripping. I loved every minute of it.

My favourite feeling this week? The absolute and utter knowledge that I can do, indeed thrive in the doing of difficult things.

Bonus: the belief that it is not a selfish thing for me to spend some time focusing on me - the physical me. It will do exactly the opposite of what I thought it would do: it will make me a better mother as I model self-care for my kids.

* * * * *

One | Two |

 

around the house | project closet purge

For the last few years I've gone to tremendous effort to get healthy and lose weight. Well, it turns out, according to my doctor - and the other doctor, and the other one, too, you can be healthy and heavy. I am both. I am thankful for the healthy and ever so tired of the heavy. BUT I am no longer going to defeat myself with my closet filled half with clothes that fit and the other half with clothes that make me sad.

I've been holding onto clothes I love because I will fit in them again. I've been holding onto that idea for years. I purchase pretty simple, classic and timeless cuts, so style is not an issue. The issue is how defeated I feel every time I go in my closet or open a drawer. So one day last week I decided to go from this:

(Not a true representation as there were so many clothes on the bench on the end of my bed - so imagine this stuffed even more.) See those tags? Brand NEW clothes I've never worn. Clothes I won't ever wear.

Along with most of the clothes in my dresser, they ended up:

in these three super sized garbage bags which were promptly delivered to the clothing bin behind the local grocery store.

Now, I have this:

My plan? Because I always have to have a plan, is to not purchase anything - unless it is a direct replacement - for the next year. I'm done with purchasing things "in case" or "for the day when". I have everything I am possibly going to need to get me through. I am never throwing out items with a tag on them EVER again. The disappointment I felt in myself was crushing while going through the process, but results were completely liberating.

This was a wonderful project.

Now to organize the linen closet!

inspiration | more & less

Pinterest can be exhausting with all of it's inspiration! Like many of us, I was struck by a printable I found and though it was good, I wanted to make one more suited to me. And then I decided to take it further ...

my MORE

&

my LESS

Why both?

I've come to learn that sometimes you need to see both sides in order to get what you want in your life. I know "less" is perceived as negative, and I'm doing all I can to keep that out of my life, but in this case I think it gives some balance to what I want and need right now. I want to have all of my bases covered through the end of 2013!

What are you hoping for more of - and less of - going forward?

Hello 49

Me. Here. Now.

Today I've begun the last year of my fourth decade on this earth and it is both energising and exhausting to consider - but mostly, I can't wait to see what the future holds!

I've read plenty of articles sharing numerical lists of lessons learned as a celebration of birthdays. When I started this article I was skeptical of my reaching 49. Well, guess what? I did!

1. Treat people the way you yourself want to be treated. And, if you can't, remove yourself and be silent.
2. Show up. Be fully present and engaged. Life happens only when you show up.
3. Feel, fully. All of it. The good and the bad. Do not numb yourself with work or with distractions. Avoid the comfort of "busy".
4. The world is filled with introverts. It's okay to be one. Lean in.
5. Trust your gut. Every time. Your head may rationalize and tell you you're right or wrong. Your heart may honour walls of protection and tell you you're right or wrong. Your gut will always be true to you, your authentic self. Trust it.
6. Own it. Your actions, your words, your choices, all of it - all the time.
7. Learn the lessons from your past, do not dwell there. Though you might need to re-visit a few times.
8. Brush your teeth.
9. Your intelligence is not defined by the school you attend or the degree you earn. Sometimes the most intelligent people you will ever meet in your life never spent a minute in "higher education". 
10. Life is the best teacher. Stand your ground and stay open even when you want to run and hide.
11. Let the person in "shotgun" choose the music.
12. Make smaller, doable lists. Not those endless and-the-kitchen-sink-lists that defeat you before you start. In the morning write down 5 things you want to accomplish by the end of the day. Then do them. And celebrate your accomplishment at the end of the day - the things you did, not the things you did not do.
13. Smile, even when you don't want to. Especially when you don't want to!
14. Do not end sentences in a preposition ^ if you can help it.
15. Indulgences do not have to be expensive or time consuming. Honour your need to spoil yourself with simple things: a walk in the park, an hour reading, write in your journal, call a friend, go for a swim or run. Nourish your soul with the things that make you happy.
16. Sleep at least 7 hours every night. Aim for 9.
17. A handful of friends who will be there through a near drowning, a divorce, a move, and raising a few teenagers is way better than a few handfuls of friends who bail at the first sign of discomfort or conflict.
18. Those who live vicariously through their children are to be avoided. Really. Run the other way.
19. Do not smoke.
20. A paraphrase of the great William Morris quote: Surround yourself only with those things you find beautiful or of use to you. (His quote is: "Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful.")
21. Do not settle. Ever.
22. Always be yourself. Do not conform to the expectation of others. After all, it's better to be liked or disliked for who you are and not for who you pretend to be. Right?
23. Being right has absolutely nothing to do with being in the majority.
24. When you change your mind it means you're listening and learning. Change is a good thing. Evidence that you are aware and flexible not rigid and stubborn.
25. Say "yes" as often as you can. Often someone else says "no" and you don't have to be the bad guy. And, by saying "yes" you may just have a really good - unexpected - experience.
26. Don't wait for the perfect time. It will not come.
27. Parenting has everything to do with accountability. If you can't be accountable, please do not be a parent.
28. Learn all that you can. Everywhere you can. Personal experiences. Stories from others. Formal education. Informal education. Books. Internet. Newspapers. Take it ALL in and make up your own mind about what you know, what you don't know and who can go screw themselves
29. If you have something nice to say, say it.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business. Really. (THIS was a liberating concept.)
31. The greatest parenting practice I've implemented in my home is my "24 Hour Rule". If it's not in the calendar with 24 hours notice you may have to make other plans.
32. Sing in the car. Hell, sing everywhere!
33. Sometimes you will be surprised by the support given by a stranger and the abandonment of a friend. Learn to live with the delight and disappointment.
34. Fill your life with people who do not agree with you all the time. Indeed, have a few who disagree with you most of the time. It keeps you humble. And informed.
35. On a medical form, the answer to SEX is Yes or No, not Male or Female.
36. I believe I am raising my children to make good choices. They may not be my choices. I have accept their free will and trust that they were raised well.
37. Laugh. Often.
38. If someone labels something or someone as "hard" or "difficult" remember that it is by their own experience that they measure. Something difficult for one person may not be difficult for you. Certainly take into consideration another experience, but evaluate based on your own.
39. Fair does not mean equal.
40. There really has to be an "I forget where I put the _____" gene.
41. Believe them when people show/tell you who they are - the first time. Okay, maybe give them a second chance, in case it was a bad day. But only one chance! Essentially? Trust your second impression, not the first.
42. Non-catastrophic mistakes are a part of growing up. They are expected. Make some. By that token, non-catastrophic mistakes are a part of being a grown-up. A chance to learn a few extra lessons.
43. There are bad people in the world.
44. In all things look for value. Cost means little.
45. The universe does not tolerate a vacuum. Be careful what door or window you open.
46. Find your meditation and practice it as often as you can. Mine? Folding laundry. Long Drives. Photo Walks.
47. Nurture a curious nature - yours and others.
48. Give up the need for control. Let things happen as they happen. If you try to control an outcome you are limiting your own opportunity for true joy. Your imagination is so much smaller than what the universe has available to you.
49. You can do hard things.

I'm looking forward to learning at least another 49 things this year!

 

real right now | letting go

Today is the traditional first day of school for just about everyone. My kids don't start classes until NEXT Monday - the 9th. I'm still reflecting and anticipating ...

Entering any new stage of parenting is a challenge. When these opportunitites for growth arrive, I often wonder if I'm up for it and feel like I muddle through rather than ease my way to the next stage.

This week I'm letting go in order for Claire to embrace her life.

Letting go means a fresh new start for my girl. New place. New people.

Letting go means driving to Kingston, Ontario, three hours away from home, a couple of days early so the sibs can be comfortable with Claire's new surroundings. Their approval and support is a key component to her comfort level.

Letting go means driving to Kingston, Ontario, three hours away from home, a couple of days early so Claire - my "anxiety" girl - can be comfortable with her new surroundings :)

Letting go means putting my boys on the VIA train so all of Claire's belongings could fit into the Suburban. It was a wonderful adventure for them!

Letting go means giving Claire a strict budget from now through Thanksgiving. Then through Christmas. Then through February reading week. Then through exams. Then we'll start all over again.

Letting go means someone else will have to be trained in the position of "shotgun". Claire rocks at "shotgun". I wonder who will be my new co-pilot? In this instance birth order counts for nothing!

Letting go means allowing for non-catastrophic mistakes to be made. Fingers crossed and notes to the Universe that any mistake made will build her character and create a firm foundation for learning. Fingers crossed and notes to the Universe that I remember that mistakes are to be expected!

Letting go means remembering frosh orientation week at University only happens once in a lifetime and it can be more fun than anything else up to this point in her life.

Letting go means worrying if she is eating okay, taking her medication/supplements, the condition of her eczema, her level of anxiety, her waking in time in the morning to make it to class on time, her making new friends, her enjoying classes and professors, her new sheets don't itch. Realizing and embracing that I have no control over any of it and she'll let me know if and when I can help.

Letting go means finally having the truck back to myself. Well, until I have to start teaching Cole who has just completed his DriveWise in-class course. His first in-car lesson is on this coming Thursday.

Letting go means I can curate and mail out some kick-ass awesome care packages.

Letting go means I have to learn Skype, SnapChat and FaceTime. Claire and I have just purchased identical mugs for soup and tea which will be part of the whole touch-base ritual. Now we just have to settle in and choose a regular time that will work in both of our schedules. I'm looking forward to hearing from her.

Letting go means it's time to have another baby - just not one in human form!

Letting go means I don't have to give voice my differing opinions. I am allowed to think whatever I want, but don't necessarily have to express my concerns. Breathe.

Letting go means I have to find someone else to go with me to Yame Sushi and Chapters.

Letting go means I am trusting that my girl has been raised well and knows how to make good choices. Good choices for her.

As a parent I don't often have opportunity for feedback since creating a full-fledged adult is years in the making. Even though she was in boarding last year, Claire was still with all of her siblings in a school less than a kilometre away from home. This year? THIS is my report card.

MORE important, this year is the time my girl will figure out who she is and who she wants to be. I'm so very proud of her and can't wait to hear all of her stories and discoveries! Well. Those she's willing to share ;)

real right now | healthy eating

Around here we eat well. There is very little excuse, one of the best grocery stores in the area is within steps of our front door:

 (No, it's not as noisy as you might think. And so convenient!)

I struggle with eating. Not that I eat too much. I don't eat enough. Or, really, I don't eat consistently. And then I'm famished and eat whatever is available - and fast. The starve-binge cycle is not a healthy choice.

The RESET wasn't enough, but it did get me eating, er drinking, smoothies for breakfast. Eating breakfast consistenly is a new thing. Though I insist my kids do, I wasn't modeling very good choices myself. (Bad mommy.) I have now ventured into a new eating program. It's pretty strict with specific quantities and combinations of food groups - as in: eat a protein with a whatever and something else; or, eat a carb with a whatever and something else. Not so specific that it is restrictive in any way but enough that I "get it" and eat the proper proportions at regular intervals.

It's the consistency of regular intervals that has previously messed me up. Now, with reminders set up in my iPhone things are progressing well.

Any weight loss? I'm not so sure. Though I've purchased a new fancy-schmancy scale - it reads weight, water, BMI, bone density - I plan to step on it once a week, first thing Monday mornings, not daily.

What has been the benefit so far? I am consciously eating and I feel WAY better. For the first time in a very long time I'm feeling hunger and then listening to my body and providing it nourishment on demand.

I'm also drinking so much water I'm ready to float away! How much? Take your body weight in pounds. Divide that number in half. That number represents the number of ounces you should drink in a day. With my conversion to litres, I have to drink 4 litres of water every day. EVERY DAY. And, should I be inclined, or have time, if I have a coffee, or tea (even non caffeinated), or anything else to drink - juice, milk, slurpie - I have to replenish with double that amount in pure water. I have a cup of coffee every morning. I now drink over 4.5L of water to accomodate it!

Preparation for success is KEY. In order to make sure I never EVER go back to that starve-binge cycle again. That means it's not enough to have the grocery store across the street. I have to have the product IN MY HOME for consumption at any time. Especially with the unexpected more spontaneous days of summer when I may have to pack for the day ahead.

Now, on our fridge, is this little list:

The kids, of course, live here too. As much as I'd love to stop them from eating their choice of c.r.a.p. it is impossible, and might just have the opposite effect. I figure, if I make healthy choices readily available, there's a better than good chance they might just pick up something healthy.

The "Never-Outs" are just that. Those things I always want on hand. That does not exclude the things we'll pick up on occasion: steak, brussels sprouts, mushrooms, tomatoes and the like. They are just the things I need to have here in the house to ensure that we make better choices. Since all of us run over to Fortino's through the day, I have this posted so that with a quick look in the fridge or cupboard, save someone a trip and replenish the milk or the Greek yogurt or flax seeds :)

In my bag or in the truck you will find a stainless steel container of water and a protein bar. I will not be caught without these things within easy reach again. There is no excuse. I am now completely prepared for success. Not just that, but I've engaged a new medical staff who is looking into the cortisol/thyroid issue.

Weight loss should come. At least I know everything is being done to prepare and execute with success in mind!

[Full disclosure: last week, among the chaos of house guests and activity, I slipped back into old habits. I got right back on track on Monday with a quick start of 12-meals - after all, there were no Chinese take-out boxes in the fridge left to tempt me!]

nourish | good choices

Last week I found myself back in Tucson, AZ with my sister, Beth. I went to have some tests run in an effort to try to figure out the whole over-weight thing. Ugh. Frustrating! After all blood tests were run and analyzed, it turns out I am a remarkably fit heavy person. Blood pressure is low. Thyroid is fine. B12 is fine. Liver and kidney function are great. Vitamin D is in the tank. With a few tweaks things should be fine. Reluctantly, the doctor agreed that once my cortisol levels lower, my body should be more receptive to shrinking! We'll have to wait and see. Patience is not one of my virtues.

Right now I'm just waiting for the results of some allergy tests. Who knows, maybe they hold the key to what's holding me back?

While I wait, listening to the rain hit the windows, I've been going through the photos taken on the trip. Hundreds were taken, below are just a few of them to keep me warm until Spring arrives here at home:

It was a 17-hour ordeal to get to Tucson with major flooding leading to delays in Chicago. I landed in Phoenix and drove the two hours to Tucson. I started at 5AM my time and ended up at Canyon Ranch at 9PM their time. I have to say, it was totally worth it. Even when I realized - a week later, just as it was time to leave - that I left my passport on the plane! Further proof that there never is a dull moment.

Every day I walked the 2-mile loop around the property, though, unlike my sister, I did it just the once and avoided the "big hill" even though it meant more steps :)

Every day I swam at least 20 laps of the T-pool and took at least one water-fitness class.

Every day I ate oatmeal brulée, chicken sausage and kefir for breakfast.

Every day I met someone new and heard their story.

Every day I spoke to or texted with my kids. Though, I have to admit, Caden is a bit too quiet for my comfort! They had a great time with their cousins, and limited independence :)

Every day I discovered something new. I also discovered more things I can - and will - do.

Every day I did at least one thing outside my comfort zone.

Every day I enjoyed conversations with my sister. I did a lot of listening. I learned a ton!

Every day I realized how far I have come since my first visit to Canyon Ranch two years ago. Dr. Brewer barely recognized me and confessed his fear for me when I left in 2011.

Every day I realized, with gratitude, how wonderful my life has become - extra weight and all!

I really enjoy the desert. There is something incredibly beautiful in the stark heat and vast expanse of cracked brown earth and endless blue sky. This year my focus was more outward and I took everything in - from the beautiful buds of spring, to the turtles in the pond, to the people around me.

Only 350-some days until I return!

A Quick Check-In

I love my tribe!

So many of you have sent notes via email and Facebook to check in on me. I can assure you, all is well and I'm almost 100% caught up and I'm feeling very zen right about now.

What have I been doing this week? Other than laundry and cleaning and organizing and walking and smoothie-making?

• My new bathroom vanity from Restoration Hardware was delivered and the plumber organized to return at the end of the month. Chloé will be happy to have it out of the "holding area" aka her bedroom :)
• I checked in on the OHL Draft - an all-day affair - and texted both Claire and Cole the results so they could see how well Cole's former teammates fared. How far have we come? I was texting Cole who was rehearsing for his performance at Carnegie Hall!
• I am in Week 3 of Harley Pasternak's The Body Reset Diet and I have to say I'm feeling GREAT. To me, that's more than half the battle. The food program - and the move program - is perfect for me.
• In conjunction with the brilliance of the RESET, I finally found an uncomplicated all-natural supplement system to support my road to weight loss and wellness. YAY!!
• I have purchased - and wrapped - the gifts I've purchased for my sisters for Mother's Day.
• I have not had any time to read - let alone write - one blog post this week. And that's been okay.
• I also have not taken one photo. And that's been okay, too.
• On the advice of a friend, I read the entire The Attractor Factor AND completed ALL of the exercises. I learned A LOT about myself and happy for the exercise.
• Four girlfriends, from four very different stages of my life, got in touch with me - or me with them - and I'm happily looking forward to four catch-up lunches!
• I have two boxes full and ready to go to the book drive for the Middle School at Appleby.
• I completed an amazing test. Once I got over the cost, I was stupefied by the accuracy. Then ran the same test on all four of my kids. Wow. I'm still busy absorbing it all.
• I am fully engaged in Susannah Conway's Journal Your Life course. Brilliant!
• Patio furniture was chosen, purchased and delivered. At Claire's insistance, we have a new bright red umbrella for the table - and some matching cushions. Now we're just waiting for patio weather.
• Plans are made to visit Grampy for a full afternoon and dinner. The kids are so excited. LOVE IT.
• I started Cathy Zielske's Clean & Simple Workshop. As with everything CZ - fabulous!
• I am seriously thinking about taking this trip in the Fall. I just need to find a room-mate.
• Chloé and Cole have both been selected to go to leadership camp for Arts and Athletics this summer. Forms have been signed and submitted. They can't wait and I'm so proud of them!
• Big talks had with each of my kids, individually and together on kindness, forgiveness and gratitude. I feel like I'm being repetititive, but really, I don't think I can say it enough.

As you can see, the cold is gone and I'm happily getting things - big and small - DONE. Done is one of my favourite words :) I am really enjoying this personal journey. April is one of the quieter months in our year and I think I'll continue with this blog break. It's time to recharge and think of some really great stuff to share here.

So, to my lovely and thoughtful worrywarts out there, all is well. I'll be back on May 1 with the One Little Word blog hop followed by some well considered brilliance - or just simple posts about my life, brilliant to me :)

things we do | journaling project

I'd like to think that I'm a journaler, but the reality is, I'm not.

Sure, I have OODLES of Moleskine and other journals - in various stages of started, but none complete.

I'm, at best, a dabbler. At worst, a flake.

I've joined "The Sketchbook Project" for four years now and have yet to complete and return one!

I received notice a few weeks ago that it was time again to order a new sketchbook for this year's version of the project. Could I face another failure?

Apparently, I think I can.

But I did one better this year, not only did I get the sketchbook, I bought an IDEA BOOK. I'm all about the "give me 10 examples so I can start" - clearly I'm a visual person. I really don't "get" it if I can't see, feel and touch an idea. The book is FANTASTIC! Now I'm really jazzed to get going.

In the meantime, I got a small project - Recipe Swap. Fun, fabulous and really not that small at all!

Plenty to keep me occupied for the next little while. Not that I was at a loss for something to do. I'm already engaged (and enjoying) Susannah Conway's Journal Your Life course and looking forward to starting Clean & Simple: The Workshop with Cathy Zielske next week!

Nourish | Rediscovery

Sometimes it just isn't worth the argument. Then enough time passes and you forget the things you loved. It sounds impossible.

That's exactly what happened.

And then the years passed.

You would think it would be easy to just go back and do the things you enjoyed, but echos of criticism is paralyzing even well after the cause is gone. I'm here to say, it isn't easy. First you have to remember where you once found joy and then you have to brace yourself to find it again. It sounds so silly, but it isn't. At all.

Now that I've embraced my fears, I'm savouring and enjoying three things I had to abandon to keep the peace:

MUSIC

I was in Organic Garage in early November and heard Laura Brannigan's "Gloria" come on in the background. Every woman in the store, of a certain age (ahem), stopped. We listened and smiled. I took in a deep breath and slowly exhaled. When I was younger I loved Laura Brannigan. I sang her songs, I danced around my apartment, I felt free and joyful. Oh, the years of verbal abuse I suffered, from the resident music expert, for daring to find joy music created by someone who was simply a vocalist. Standing there, in a grocery store, watching the women around me have the exact same response as I did had to be one of the most validating experiences in recent memory.

COOKING

Nothing I cooked was good enough. Ever. Why didn't I cook like his mother? I don't know. Perhaps because I wasn't his mother and even his mother didn't cook as well as his memory! As a result of constant criticism I just stopped cooking. I feigned disinterest. I did a lot of re-heating. You know, pick up pre-packaged crap from the frozen food aisle, toss a salad and voila, dinner is served. Green Giant brussels sprouts saturated in butter in a plastic boil-in-bag is not what I consider to be a vegetable - for that matter, neither is shake-n-bake or canned soup.

MOVIES

I like happy movies. Adventure movies. Documentaries and historical dramatizations. Rom-com-adventure-fun movies. Give me a movie with a great story, realistic writing and great cinematography. Often I don't care who is in it. As long as I learn something or feel something positive when it's over, I'm happy. Gross movies are ... gross. War movies are ... about war. Heavy subjects do not automatically make for a good movie. A big "star" does not always make for a good experience. I stopped going to movies, claiming fear of germs, so as not to be lectured on why I was wrong about my interpretation or opinion.

How does a person live without music, movies or food - for years? You choose your battles and these were not the battles I was willing to fight. There were others that were more important - at the time.

I have to admit, I am incredibly happy to have music, cooking and movies back. Whenever I want!

Every day, when I'm reading or writing or driving, I am listening to AltNation or some other Alternative Rock station. On my iPod I have plenty of "classic" rock (including the much maligned Laura Brannigan). My music compromise of now is to listen to more of what interests my kids. As a teen I remember music being very important to me. I hear certain songs and the memories come rushing back. It is equally important to my kids. They enjoy introducing music to me and I honour their enthusiasm by listening to - and enjoying - every single song. It's been fun to introduce them to a few tunes, too!

Though our schedule is crazy, having us going here-there-everywhere after school every day, I have managed to introduce a number of new recipes to the kids. They have developed their own tastes and I often cater to them, sometimes I offer up something new. They also have hot lunch options at school each day which have expanded their food repertoire. Yay! Most of my experimentation happens on the weekends and then I modify things to be a quick mid-week version. It's worked really well and I enjoy the challenge as well as the health benefits.

I don't know if it was a good thing that the first movie seen in a theatre in years was ARGO. I really think it may have spoiled me for every other movie! We have a theatre in walking distance from the house and I'm trying to figure out how to incorporate a mid-afternoon visit a couple of times a month. Just imagine all of the conversations I can now participate in as I'll have an opinion of my own rather than one gleened from eTalk!

This journey of rediscovery has been wonderful. I am genuinely grateful for all of it. Truly nourishing and enriching my soul. You don't really appreciate things until they're gone - and then return.

around the house | photographs

Over the last while I've realized it's past time I get my bedroom finished. Now that I have a new bed (wonderful!) and sheets, I want to add in something to make my room reflect it's occupant: me! The best way? Photos. My photos.

What I thought would be a quick project turned into a major undertaking with me going through 40,000+ images to pick out my favourites. I narrowed it down to fifteen non-child photos. (I figure I need one room in the house to be a no-kid zone!) I converted them all to black and white, 12" x 12" to go into black Ikea frames with white mats. My walls are painted Benjamin Moore Rusty Nail (CC-390) and my bedding is white. I think this will be perfect! I'm having 5 frames above my black iron headboard and plan to change the sets 3x each year for a bit of variety :)

These are the photos chosen:

They've all been uploaded to Persnickety Prints for printing - in both colour and black and white. A girl never knows when she'll change her decorating mind :)

This was a wonderful opportunity to become re-acquainted with all of my photos - well, those I still posess! Certainly the number on my computer can be cut in half with all of the team - hockey, football, lacrosse, baseball and more - photos taken over the years. I can delete a huge number that will never live anywhere but on my hard drive.

I'm curious, how do you bring "you" into your living space?

real around here | pet peeves

I poured a calming cup of cranberry tea then started thinking about this post!

I don't often focus on the things I find annoying, but lately I feel like there's a conspiracy to have me lose my temper. It's a good thing I'm slow to boil - but when I do, look out! Keep in mind, I'm a complete control-freak-single-mother-of-four-celt-by-blood. Okay, you've been warned. Proceed. With caution!

• Repetitive noises drive me bonkers. bonkers. bonkers.
• Waste. Any kinds of waste. Food. Time. Money. It turns on my internal calculator which annoys me!
• The word "actually" when used by my children in a condescending know-it-all manner. Oh that tone! It drives me nuts!
• Telemarketers.
• Sperm donors who think they are entitled to more than they deserve.
• When you ask someone to stop a specific behaviour, just until you are out of the way, and they don't.
• To those children with no table (or toilet seat or respect your elders or don't interrupt) manners. Sigh. Your parents really did you a disservice. So when you're corrected the answer is not "but my mum lets me" - the correct response is, "thanks for letting me know." And then don't do it again.
• Sweat. Ick. A necessary evil, but I really hate it.
• Uninformed opinions. Spout off all you want, but please educate yourself with the basic unarguable facts first.
• Anyone who goes into a public place - book store, restaurant, theatre - sick. I can understand a pharmacy - or even the grocery store if you have no one to bring  you food, but leisure activities? Spare us all, please.
• When my children don't listen the first time. This is not a democracy.
• Or when they interject when I'm speaking with someone. Argh!
• When solicitors come to the door and ring the doorbell repeatedly when it is not answered. I know YOU think your cause is important, I do not have to agree. I respect your passion. Respect my right to not answer - the first time.
• When talking about universities, to all those uber competitive parents who say "but he could have got in" - shut up. He didn't get in which means he couldn't get in. Get over it.
• Dirty dishes left in the sink.
• When you try to take a photo and the exact same person makes a stupid face, or movement, over and over and over again. Thereby ruining every photo taken. This is particularly annoying at the end of a championship game, on holiday and in celebration of something that won't happen again.
• If things are not put away where they belong in the garage and I cannot get the truck parked.
• When my kids speak - out loud - about what a deadbeat their dad is and what they think of him. Not that it's not true, but I'm tired of hearing about it. I'm doing all I can to make it better for them.
• When my kids "can't find" something in the fridge. That something is usually directly in front of them!
• At the grocery check out and the person in front of me has forgotten one thing. They realize when they are almost done. They don't ask, but run off to get whatever that one thing is and come back, minutes later, with arms full of stuff. Irksome, especially when this happens at the express lane!
• Most of this stuff happens and I just keep my mouth shut, head down and move along. Unless it is some stupidity on the road. Bad manners on the road rarely hear my horn, but my kids have learned more than a curse word or two! Those same children hear when they've stepped out of line - I chalk it up to parenting.

Whew. Okay, I feel much better now. Hmm. My kids are clearly driving me crazy of late. Must find a way to fix that :)

What is your greatest pet peeve?

real right now | reframing my days

I am an introvert and the way I recharge my batteries is by being alone.

Alone to ponder, alone to listen to music, alone to read, alone to craft. Alone to me is not lonely. It is restorative and boosts my perspective. Being around people, constantly, is draining. Always having to be "on". Sometimes I get lost in my own thoughts and take a mental holiday when I should be paying attention to the conversations around me. That has been happening a lot lately.

That's not to say I don't enjoy company. I had a group of ladies to the house to have oracle readings and a neat story interpretation a couple of weeks ago. That was fun. I am organizing a lunch for a group of parents from our middle school - and the group is climbing past 50 participants! That will be fun. I like a bit of chaos - controlled - as long as there is a definite beginning, middle and end. I do enjoy company, in small doses.

The last six months, or more, has not been fun.

There were men working in my house - someone was always coming in and out. The front of the house was fixed, but it took all summer! Lighting and electrical was fixed. Air conditioners installed. Furnaces fixed. Garage door replaced. Security systems upgraded. Bathroom ripped out and a new one installed - and it's not even done yet! That added to the appointments with lawyers, doctors, dentists and orthodontists - oh, and the simple raising of FOUR children and their active schedules - has been stressful and not in the least bit restorative.

Rather than fighting it, I embraced the chaos as best I could. Every time I got into a groove I was interrupted - phone calls, emails, texts, doorbells. I gave up. I went out for lunch a lot. Talked a lot. Drank a lot of tea. I've been more available than I like and boundary-less due to circumstance.

I need to get those boundaries back.

Circumstances have changed and I feel I can get back to being me again. The cost of that change is high, but I am not the one who has to pay the price. In fact, it is just the opposite, I am surprisingly faultless but recognize that I am more than willing to take advantage of the shift.

I need to be alone. I need to design a routine that fits me, in my new normal. I need to create. I need to write. I need to take photos. I haven't taken a photo - a real photograph - since July! I've learned that they are needs not wants. I have very few needs, but they're big and time-consuming.

To help me get back into the creative groove I've decided to take this school term - NINE weeks - to really focus on the things that BRING ME JOY and fulfillment. I had to laugh when I told my eldest two children my plan. Their collective reaction: "finally"! You can't imagine the joy it gives me that my kids "get it". Not just that, they "get me" and I am so grateful to have their support.

What do I want to do?

BLOGGING/WRITING

When I did the Reverb12 exercise through December it really hit me how much I miss writing. Writing real stuff and putting it all out there. Writing takes time. A lot of time. Sometimes I forget to make dinner kind of time. I miss missing dinner. The kids do too since that was their chance to go to Harvey's (ick) rather than eat their mum's cooking. Hmm.

I want to write more. I want to blog more.

PHOTOGRAPHY

I signed up for Karen Russell's Snapshots of a Good Life and Tracy Clark's The Art of Composition and haven't signed into either and we're already past the first week of the month! The camera is out, memory cards cleared and batteries charged. I've been ready to do this for WEEKS. Again, photography takes time. A lot of time. Not just the capturing of images, but the reviewing of them. I use the viewfinder of my camera - not my screen - so I don't know what I have until it gets into my computer!

I want to photograph more. I want to learn more.

CREATIVE STUFF

Project Life and One Little Word are my paper-based creative focuses and I've discovered some other things I'd like to try.

I want to craft more. I want to discover more.

HEALTH:

I've joined MMEW2.0 with Cathy Zielske again this year. I haven't even gone into the classroom! I have put together a workout schedule. Okay, so my idea of workout at this point is different from my more fit and athletic friends, but it's better than no plan at all :) I've also adjusted my eating choices and really trying to make more time for the things that are good for me.

I want to move more. I want to weigh less.

Beyond simply wanting to do those things, I need to do these things. So, from now until the Spring Break, I will be making my time my own again. I am really excited to see what I manage to accomplish in the next nine weeks!

Things might be sporadic around here - or the complete opposite and I'll inundate the blog with fun stuff. Here's to reframing my days and recharging my soul!

Reverb12 | The Blog

DATELINE: 01 December 2012 :: Oakville, Ontario, Canada

I am participating in REVERB12 this year. Through the whole month of December, I will be answering some thought provoking questions and some silly questions and some soul-searching questions. To find my entries, please head over to my new mini-blog by clicking the image above - or links to specific days and prompts below. Let me know what you're writing so I can visit and read what you have to say!

day one | one word :: day two | limits :: day three | remember :: day four | fear

day five | worthy :: day six | change :: day seven | 7 minutes :: day eight | reading

day nine | spontaneity :: day ten | accomplish :: day eleven | money :: day twelve | joy

day thirteen | try :: day fourteen | relaxed :: day fifteen | make

day sixteen | disappointment :: day seventeen | spark :: day eighteen | bouquet

day nineteen | cry :: day twenty | health :: day twenty-one | song

day twenty-two | discovery :: day twenty-three | alone

day twenty-four | photograph :: day twenty-five | gift :: day twenty-six | return

day twenty-seven | compliment :: day twenty-eight | space :: day twenty-nine | view

day thirty | year in review :: day thirty-one | moving forward

This post will stay here at the top of Embrace Life for easy access but don't forget that there will be some other content below - all month long :)

DATELINE: 31 December 2012 :: Oakville, Ontario, Canada

Wow. That was a lot of reflecting and manifesting! 2012 held in it many lessons. As is my experience, mistakes and negative influences tend to teach the harshest but most resonant lessons. There were plenty of those. I'd like to invite some kinder gentler influences in the years to come. In spite of my sporadic posting - though the break was to engage fully in an unplugged holiday to Barbados - I think I'm in good shape for the year ahead. Indeed, though not much of a New Year's Eve celebrator, I find myself looking toward 2013 with uncharacteristic excitement. I anticipate many good things ahead.

12.12.12 | A Wishing Day

Are you familiar with Susannah Conway? Well, according to her blog, today - 12.12.12 - is a "wishing day".

Earlier today, while I was out running errands, I took some time to have a cup of tea and catch up on blog reading. I came across her post and it really got me to thinking that I've been far too embedded in "real" that I have forgotten to put any energy in "wish".

If there is any truth to the idea that there is something to this wishing thing, I don't want the day to go by without adding my wish list to it!

Following Susannah's lead:

I wish for creative fulfillment. I wish for the continued safety and security of my family. I wish for the stamina and energy to keep up with my MOVE goals. I wish for my children to find their joy and pursue it - no matter what it is. I wish for finished projects. I wish for long walks with my camera in hand. I wish for foot massages to ease me to sleep. I wish for a completed home: virtual and real. I wish for a man who is kind, courageous and curious who wants to be with me for the fun and the mundane. I wish for travel to exotic and familiar locales. I wish for a weekend of silence. I wish for a cashmere replacement for my long black sweater. I wish for cooking lessons to make it less of a chore. I wish for a clean and organized home - every day. I wish to be surrounded by intelligent, kind, agenda-free people. I wish to dance in the rain. I wish for success in my effort to lose weight. I wish to open my heart and nurture my soul.

48 by 49 | 09 - 12

WEEK 09 | ACTIVITY

This is a case of the mind being willing, but the body might not be ready - yet! I had my first tennis lesson in a couple of decades and LOVED it. My knees did not. I know that even though I'm in a lot of pain I'll just have to grind through it and KEEP MOVING. Pain is a great deterrent to moving and I've given in far too often. The key is to modify my ambitions. I'll keep my weekly tennis lesson, cut back to walking a half-hour each day, swim at least twice a week then increase things from there. On the back burner are my plans to get a skipping rope and mini-trampoline or any "boot camp" plans, and I won't be joining any tennis ladders any time soon, but my goal is to be in better shape - resulting in less pain - by mid-March, 2013. I'm thrilled with the start. Why? Because I started.

WEEK 10 | ACCOMMODATE

I didn't learn that I had a disability until I was in my early-20s. In those days it was called dyslexia, but in those days everything was called dyslexia. I don't know what I have, but I've learned to live with it. I've also learned that it is something I've passed along to my children. Last summer, Claire took an intensive  one-month course to get her grade 12 advanced functions credit. This way she didn't have to carry two stress-inducing math courses in her final year. Heading into the exam she had a 96% average. Claire bombed the exam - she always bombs exams. The anxiety is all-consuming and she freezes. I have always been accused of having my kids "too busy" so they don't have time to study and therefore the school was unwilling to consider any alternative. This math course was perfectly timed. Claire was not overly taxed for time in July and one day she received a quiz back where she got 100% and the next day she got a 64% on her exam. It was clear it was not a function of busy that kept her from excelling at her exams. The guidance office was extremely helpful and I set Claire up for a full evaluation. We now have proof of crazy high IQ (wow!) and high anxiety. Accommodations have been made and this upcoming exam season should prove to be far less stressful for my girl. It was a huge process for both of us but I think it's been completely worth it. We'll see for sure at the end of the month!

WEEK 11 | HEAD SHOTS

I am a good photographer. I have a good eye and great equipment. For the life of me, I cannot take a good shot of my kids. They always put on that face. You know, the "take the stupid picture mama and let's get out of here" face. Cole needed head shots for his resumé. As painful as it was, I swallowed my pride and called a photographer. I think the shots turned out really well - even without me behind the camera! What it did do was give me the idea to take photos for my friends of their own kids who might give their parents and equally hard time. Definitely something to consider - but after we get things rolling for Cole with sending out resumés and photos! A whole new world.

WEEK 12 | COUCH

I don't know that I would call myself cheap, but I am always on the look-out for good value. It never occurred to me that I would find value at Restoration Hardware. The concepts are not synonymous! Guess what? The couch is gorgeous and I couldn't find it, or anything similar, for less money than RH. I spent 6-months and zip. I finally gave up and gave in. This 100" Maxwell Sectional is PERFECT for our space and for my family. Super big and super comfortable, it is in the centre of our living room. Sometimes what we believe to be true is just not true at all.

________________________________________________________________________

ABOUT THIS PROJECT | I followed New52 with awe and a bit of envy. My plate was so full I just couldn't join in but it was something that piqued my interest. Not that my plate is any less full, but it is more manageable and I hope to fill the wrong side of my 40s with a positive challenge. Let's see where it leads. Thank you to Peppermint and Christine for your weekly big and small inspiration! I love the idea that "it isn’t about making a life-altering change every week, it’s about keeping an open mind and embracing little changes in your life." Life is good.

perspective | the man list

Note: this was originally written on 4 June 2011. At that point I had been separated from my husband for over four years, though we shared the same house. I was not comfortable publishing it then. I'm more than comfortable publishing it now. I find it amazing what time, distance and perspective can do for your attitude!

* * * * *

04 June 2011

I find it a bit startling, but more amusing, when some of my friends ask me about my plans for moving on ... in a personal sense. Clearly no one feels that it's enough that I'm packing up my house, making necessary repairs, finishing projects, dealing with real estate agents (lovely), bankers (lovely), lawyers (lovely - well, most), cops (hmm) and all manner of services (some good, some not so much), but everyone wants to know when I'm going to start looking after me. As in ... dating.

Everyone is a romantic, even the worst cynic.

My answer is simple, a resounding "No."

I realize that those close to me want to see me happy. So do I. My kids are in that group. They are on some kind of search for the "perfect guy for Mama". They ask me what I think about the teachers they know; the neighbours we have had past and present; the non-attached parents of their friends and teammates. I realize it is all considered in an effort to make me feel better and optimistic about my future. It does. The caring and concern by so many makes my heart sing.

I have had plenty of occasion to be so very grateful for the kindness of many of the men in my life, those who have stepped up and really taken on the cloak of "hero" in this whole messy business of pending-divorce. Some of them may never know just how their gentle kindness, silly smiles and corny jokes have made me feel like my load has been lightened, if only a little bit. I have a crush on each and every one of them - and their partners are often the object of my envy.

I am equally grateful for the women who tell me to slow down and be more kind to myself. I'm really learning to laugh again. I am so grateful for their insight, experience and advice. I have a crush on each and every one of them, too - and their partners should thank their lucky stars!

Even in this state of transition, I realize I'm way ahead of the game as I have always believed that you cannot be happy with someone unless you are happy with yourself. You know something? I really like the woman I am, certainly the one who is evolving: a complex, vulnerable, healthy, strong, fun - one who finally has her priorities right! I am ripe for much, I just can't imagine anyone meeting the majority of "musts" on my list. Now, granted, that list is being made by me, someone in the midst of licking her wounds, but still, it's pretty hard to meet.

A few women I know, when they were at that last gasp of faith in finding the right partner, wrote down their criteria. As of today, here is mine:

THE MAN LIST

• It takes a special kind of man, one with a unique confidence, to handle someone who is strong-willed, creative, driven, vulnerable and independent.  Oh, and mama to four pre- and full-teens. I need that confidence and understanding. They need it more.
• I don't need someone filled with bravado and bullshit. I need someone who knows who he is, with little apology, but with enough kindness and humour to laugh at himself. And let me laugh, too.
• I want someone who is engaged. Fully involved in his life: his career, his friends, his family, to which my children and I would be a compliment, not a detraction. And I want him to be open to be a part of my friends and family, too.
• I want to be cared for - really. Not only that, I know I'm asking for a lot, but at 5'10" I want to feel enveloped and safe when hugged.
• I want to be hugged. I want to walk through the neighbourhood holding hands. I want a gentle squeeze of support when I'm uncomfortable. I want to sit on the couch watching Hockey Night in Canada in quiet comfort - even if he's watching and I'm reading a book.
• I want my children to be treated with respect and humour. With kindness and understanding. With encouragement and knowledge. With patience, good judgement and love.
• I want someone to want to provide for me. I know I can do it myself, I want someone to step up and do it with me. A full financial and emotional partner.
• I want charm with substance. I want a twinkle in the eye that hints at great intelligence and warmth. I want a smile that goes to the eyes.
• I want someone patient with my temper. I am very slow to boil, but once I hit a good simmer, holy smokes, just let me blow. Respect me enough to let me give vent to my opinion.
• I want someone to talk to my kids about what interests my kids, not dominate them with opinions and ideas of their own.
• I want someone to engage with my children - don't talk about how great golf is - show them; don't talk about how great a band is - play it for them or go to a concert; don't talk about how lovely Scotland or France or Italy is - take them; don't talk to them about science and principles - show them. Make it fun for everyone. A great adventure. ENGAGE them.
• Personal habits? Everyone has them. Please don't smoke. Please don't lie - even those easy lies of omission. Please say "excuse me" if you burp or fart. Please choose me, first - always. Please don't go for a 20-minute dump the minute I call everyone to the table for dinner. Please don't treat me like I'm stupid. Please, no porn. Please finish the projects you start. Please pick up after yourself. Please don't have an opinion if you are not willing to live by that opinion yourself.
• Let me cry. It's not done as a manipulation, it is done as a release. Let me release.
• Please remember my birthday, and buy me a token. I don't want for anything, but the idea that you listened and found something for me because you thought I'd like it? Take my breath away. And then resuscitate me!
• Please do not be rude to my friends - or anyone for that matter. I really don't care if you've had a bad day, you have no right to impose your mood on others. I teach this principle to my kids, and I expect the same of the adults around me.
• Please encourage me when I decide I want to do something. If I decide to quit smoking, please do not smoke in front of me or in my house. If I decide to lose weight, don't go to the bakery and buy me my favourite carrot cake. When I decide to invite my parents over - or visit with them - do not choose that morning to find a meaningless argument to fight over. Please do not sabotage my efforts to be better.

How can I be so clear on what I want, after all, I've only just separated from my husband. The reality? I've been separated for a very long time - and thought about it for at least double that time - and realized that though my soon to be (but not soon enough) ex-husband might have met some of this criteria when we were first married, he definitely does not meet them after 16 years of marriage.

Through the journey I have to admit it came as more than a bit of surprise to realize that there was someone who provided a lovely distraction. In my head. It never occured to me that the part of me so long dormant, near dead, was not gone at all. It was joyous to realize that someone could be, maybe, interested in me as more than just mother to four fabulous kids or the lady with the big laugh and biting sense of humour. I am thrilled for the distraction and until it's more, it is what he is. Lovely.

I tell my children: when you don't ask, the answer is an automatic "no". I didn't realize I was falling into the same trap.

 

04/06/11

* * * * *

Now here we are eighteen months later and I find I'm in a place where, when my kids and friends suggest that I go on a date, I'm not so quick to say "no". There is still so much to work on to make me a better me, but boy am I ever so much better than I was back then! Funny enough, though I've made huge strides, my Man List is pretty much the same with one small change.

To all of the above, modify to include:

My kids are getting older and therefore no longer need to be hands-on parented as much. Ideally the right man would have a home, children and life of his own, he would be someone who is looking to spend an evening at dinner or the theatre, head out of town for a weekend getaway or a week-long holiday, someone happy to chill at home - all this without children, his or mine. I am not looking to get married ever again. I am not looking for a co-parent. I am not looking for any long term emotional or financial commitment. I am simply looking to be in the company of a good, honest and kind person, someone I can appreciate for whatever time is available.

So, there it is. Out in the Universe.

It's time to ask.

challenge | big question 1

At the end of August, to celebrate the launch of her new virtual home, Tiffany Moore asked a number of her favourite bloggers to answer some BIG questions. I have been looking for a challenge and decided to take a stab at this particular exercise.

* * * * *

What makes you feel most alive?

A plan.

A blank page.

A list.

A calendar.

An idea.

A challenge.

I have felt incredibly alive this month as September is filled with new routines and challenges. I am a great "starter". I love developing and planning events and taking on creative challenges. I must admit that right after execution I kind of fall off things a bit, but I've been working on my consistency and enthusiasm. In my former life - otherwise known as life before children - I went from project to project as the nature of retail is constant change. It suited me well. Now that I'm working on plans for my future life - one I have to prepare for now that I've fully grasped that I can't keep them home forever - I have to pay attention and find something that makes me feel alive, and keeps me that way. In the meantime, I have oodles of creative projects - and laundry - to keep me on the go. Time to refocus on the blog. What do you think?

Go see what Kelly Rae Roberts had to say when she was posed this question.

learn | my journey to dangerous

You know how you go from link to link and end up someplace completely different from where you started? And it ends up being brilliant and strange and familiar? Well, I happily I ended up back at a post I had bookmarked last summer. It describes a place I thought I'd never find, and yet, here I am.

According to the post by the brilliant Jen Lemon, I know how to be dangerous.

Regularly.

There is no more avoiding it.

1. I state my truth. I do not candy coat. I am outrageously plain. I say what should not be said. Yes, I say it anyway. That elephant no longer takes up residence in my head.

2. I am giving way to the lead of my body. Following my gut.

3. Without analysis, I am acting boldly. I realize I cannot control or direct the outcome of any situation. From the perspective of "nothing to lose", choices are far more instinctive.

4. I am finally open enough to allow myself to feel. As a result, I experience ridiculous joy. I am serious about giving suffering the boot.

5. I embrace fear. Every day.

6. More importantly, I embrace my instincts. They help me face my fear.

7. My memories are more vivid than ever before and the lessons of my youth are surfacing loud and clear. They are reminding me of the promise that was once me and showing me how to get back there again.

8. I am not going mad. I am becoming whole.

9. There is very little left to hide. My head, my heart and my gut have been laid bare. Is there more? Only time and new experiences will tell.

10. My whole heart is full. I am holding nothing back. Those closest to me reap the benefits of this power in my newfound state of vulnerable. And strong.

11. Once I know exactly what I want, I will ask for it. I am recognizing what I need and I am able to express it. I am pushing the edge.

Hey, I think nailing 10 out of 11 is pretty good given the year I've had! The reality is things were pretty miserable for a long time. Too long. This year, as hard and exhausting as it was, was far more liberating and kind than anything I'd experienced up to it's start.

real right now | move more

source

Over the last 18 months I've made discoveries and changes in order to live a fuller, healthier, happier life. My primary focus has been medical and food:

Medical | I changed doctors and now go to my doctor on a regular basis. I control my asthma (that I've had since I was 14). I deal with my psoriasis (again, that I've had since my early teens). I go for regular tests (blood and urine) and am making an effort to get a handle on my thyroid disease - which is not yet under control. I go to my naturopath to complement the services of my doctor.

Food | I eat very well. What does that mean? I eat a balanced diet that includes protein at every meal and minimal refined sugar. I eat no processed foods, I can pronounce ingredients and consume a ton of vegetables. I drink at least 2 litres of water each day and do not drink my calories. I do not diet. I do not embrace deprivation. I have learned much about balance and portion control.

I figured with those two things handled there would be a natural loss of weight. I wasn't expecting a ton, but I was assured by all of the experts that I would, with thyroid medication, reduced sugar consumption and consistent diet, lose at least 10% of my weight and most likely 20%.

I have not lost one ounce.

Indeed, when I quit drinking wine for 6-weeks the benefit was a gain of 7 pounds and tighter pants! The exact same thing happened when I cut out all cheese, over a year ago - I gained! I still don't eat cheese, but I do drink the occasional glass of wine, though less than before.

Sigh.

Is it possible that I have lost as much weight as I can without my thyroid in order? I can't possibly eat any better than I do. Maybe it's the B12 malabsorbtion. Or not. Could it be that I just have to move more?

I wrote out the reasons I don't move:

1. I hate sweating. Really, I do.
2. My asthma leaves me winded. Perhaps I should take my meds more regularly?
3. I don't have time. True, but only seasonally - summer.
4. Frozen shoulder keeps me from doing what I like. Better learn to like something else.
5. It's not fun. There are so many other things I'd rather do, even laundry!

Pretty good reasons, but not good enough to not just suck it up and do something about it. To that end, I did a few things:

1. I joined the YMCA and put together a program with a personal trainer: 40 minutes of walking the track and 40 minutes of swimming lengths four times a week. That was in January. I've not been back.
2. I bought a bike, really cute, with gears. That was in July and I've not taken it more than a couple of blocks away.

Damn. What was it going to take?

3. I got a FitBit while on holiday at the beach. That was in early August and I've used it every single day since I took it out of the package.

Turns out, I am good with immediate accountability. I can't cheat by thinking I've done more than I've done or convince myself it was "good enough". This thing lets me know exactly what I've been up to - and not.

Next week all of my kids start back to school, all four attending the same one! That means, for me, time and opportunity to do what is good for me. To do what I have to do.

Today is my 48th birthday. Tick tock. It's time to put my plan in action:

1. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I will be at the YMCA at 6:00AM to walk for 40 minutes and swim for 40 minutes. I will be home in time to take the kids to school - only on bad weather days. They have to be on campus for 7:45AM. On Saturdays and Sundays I will be at the YMCA with Cole, Chloé and Caden for 9AM to swim and I will walk the track while they play around.

2. Daily, I have programmed my iPhone alarm to ring at every 50 minutes on the hour:

    08:50 Get up and put in a load of laundry
    09:50 Get up and clean the first floor and kitchen
    10:50 Get up and walk around the block or to Fortino's (grocery store) and back
    11:50 Get up and fold laundry and make lunch
    13:50 Get up and walk/bike one of four routes for an hour
    14:50 Start prepping dinner

3. Nightly, will go to bed for 11PM starting an electronic- and technology-free wind-down routine at 10PM.

Like everything else I've chosen to do over the last 18 months - it's good for me. There is no downside to moving more, and who knows, there may even be an upside. I'll just keep my expectations in check since everything else I've done, based in logic, has had illogical results, I don't want to be disappointed!

memories | blue moon

(click image for source)

It came to my attention earlier this week that we expect a Blue Moon today. To most people that means two full moons in a month. To me, I hear the phrase and I immediately think of a silly song in an equally silly musical in which I performed - in grade six! Once in a Blue Moon is the only song I remember from "Little Mary Sunshine". The ditty runs through my head every blue moon - for the last 37 years. Amazing given I've forgotten far more than I remember!

Create | 31 Things | 1-7

I joined 31 Things over on Big Picture Classes and I have to say, it has been a wonderful outlet for stories that haven't been told or that continue to evolve. I've been stumped a couple of times and that has been a wonderful thing. It makes me think and provides a wonderful opportunity for perspective and creativity! I've enjoyed everything about it: the community, the re-connection with old friends, the validation from new friends and the cathartic exercise of writing about things that don't get nearly enough attention in my Project Life or other child-focused projects.

Early on I decided a few things:

• All pages will be 6" x 12" and put into a corresponding 6" x 12" album (still using up what I have, and I have A LOT!!)
• All pages will use the Karla Dudley "Breezy" digi-paper package
• All pages have been modified to use a 4" x 6" photo and a place for the story, the Ali Edwards' templates have been tweaked just a little bit
• All pages repeat in formula to keep the focus on the story, not on the "stuff"
• After the 4x6 photo and the "pretty", the 7.5" x 6" remaining leaves enough space for about 450 words. It forces me to get to the point and not waste one word!
• All pages use three fonts: Arial, Garamond and Hurricane
• All pages will be 100% digital and sent to Persnickety Prints at the end of the course for photo processing
• Content will be completely honest, no apology, no holds

My first week of layouts are all done. Some are different from those in the BPC Gallery as, for some projects, I am a bit of a perfectionist and needed each to read "right" so by Day 4 things had to change! At least I caught it early, I had only four layouts to adjust - not all 31!

DAY 1 | JEWELRY*

*Apparently there was a bit of an issue with the way the word was spelled. Canadian English is such a mish-mash of British and American, I am just sticking with the assignment. The British spelling is Jewellery. Who knew?

DAY 2 | MORNING

DAY 3 | READ

DAY 4 | SPIRIT

DAY 5 | CONVERSATION

DAY 6 | YOU

DAY 7 | WORK

I want this project to reflect exactly where I am right now. I did a similar "about me" project last year and since this is so far away emotionally and physically from that project, it was important to me to get as much out and on paper as possible, in as much detail as I can.

Registration for the class is now closed. I hope you joined when you had a chance!

Lifting | Mighty List (in progress)

Last fall there was an inspiring article (are there any other kind?) over at Carolyn Rubenstein's blog, A Beautiful Ripple Effect. It was an idea she had gleened elsewhere about writing a MIGHTY LIST. A brain dump of about 100 things you want to accomplish before you are unable to accomplish anything else :) Real big dream-to-goal things, not a mundane laundry list of chores.

That was last October! Then life, as it so often does, got in the way. I was recently reminded of this idea and since I've thought about it off and on, collected other lists, considered short- and long-term goals and think I've finally come up with something resembling what would be considered my own MIGHTY list - well, a start anyway:

1. Set up a regular annual April vacation at Canyon Ranch in Tucson
2. Learn to cook, properly, from start to finish
3. Take a painting class - watercolours first - then oil and acrylic
4. Finalize the divorce
5. Turn my new home into exactly what I need it to be
6. Create a Blurb book - a big huge gorgeous coffee table tome - then create another
7. Design and run an Etsy store
8. Keep my Project Life up-to-date
9. Read ALL of the books on the school reading list
10. Be a vegetarian for a week, and then, maybe a month
11. Stop eating and drinking refined sugar
12. Take a cruise with stops in Morocco, Turkey and Italy for sure
13. Write - and publish - a book
14. Have my home smudged
15. Hang all of my artwork, put away all of the books, organize the craft and photography stuff
16. Determine (at least) 50 must-watch movies and then watch with my kids
17. Choose my favourite blog posts and put them into book form
18. Lose the weight, enough to feel good again
19. Put together ALL of my creative projects in various stages of 'begun'
20. Post those projects
21. Replace the nasty builder toilets
22. Organize all of my photos and digital art (30,000+ files) in iPhoto
23. Fix and cull all of the categories on my blog
24. Update the blog with a new look
25. Create the perfect lemonade
26. Plant a dogwood in my front garden
27. Swim, every day, because I love it
28. Find someone who brings out the best in me
29. Plan (and execute) Claire's birthday - on 20-12 2012
30. Submit 10 "guest posts" for publication consideration
31. Update and submit my resumé
32. Watch the opera - MET showings - at Silvercity
33. Switch from BlackBerry to iPhone
34. Take golf lessons - then golf
35. Hire a weekly cleaning service
36. Start playing tennis again
37. Write a cookbook for my kids of all our favourite meals
38. Clear out the storage locker
39. Continue to model the behaviour I want to see in my children
40. Model better
41. Take a creative writing course
42. Maybe even go back to school and take the courses I should have taken the first time around
43. Take monthly trips in to Toronto, with the kids, and take advantage of what is available: ROM, AGO, sports events, restaurants - oh so much!
44. Go indoor skydiving
45. Travel by train: one month Southern Europe, one month Northern Europe and the UK, one month Canada, one month Russia and Scandinavia
46. Travel by car: one month through the U.S.
47. Volunteer for a month or two in Africa
48. Put together a library of all the creative courses I've taken - and finish the projects
49. Feel rested and 100% well
50. The biggest unattainable dream in my life, ever: have an article published by Vanity Fair magazine

This list-in-progress is exactly what I had planned, a brain dump - in no particular order - of the things I'd like to accomplish. The big things. The things that have been weighing on me for a while.

What is on your Mighty List?

Pushing Limits | Mirror, Mirror

I used to go to the movies, a lot.

I don't know what happened, but over time I stopped. Maybe it was the company? Maybe it was my budding germophobia? Maybe it was the calibre of movies being made? I haven't seen a movie in a theatre in years - at least 15, maybe 20.

Today, I'm going to the theatre.

Why?

I want to see this dress:

Holy smokes! The craftsmanship is stunning.

And, I love this poster:

But most of all, this paralysis is something I have to get over in order to fully experience my life. It's time to push my self-imposed limits and do the things that have moved out of my comfort zone and are slowly moving out of my reach entirely.

What is out of your comfort zone? What limits do you need to push?

Learning to Linger

Linger.

Such a seductive word.

Hey, I need a little seduction right now, so I'm learning to linger.

I have had a bad habit of rushing through things to get to the next. I often don't enjoy and savour what I'm doing in an effort to get to the next thing. I am learning to slow down, take my time and linger.

• Now I've learned to show up at school to pick up the kids a little early. Instead of being anxious in the parking lot, I use the time to read, write a list, watch the interaction between students/parents, make calls to schedule and confirm appointments. Okay, so sometimes my linger is a bit productive!
• I am trying to carve out "white space" on my weekly calendar. I use my time running errands more efficiently, grouping things by area of town, or nature of errand, so I can take the saved time to read a book or magazine, a blog or online article. (After re-reading perhaps I could use this time to *gasp* exercise!)
• I no longer feel compelled to compete with - or feel inadequate around - the "list mums", those ladies who can (from memory) rattle off an endless list of all the things they are going to accomplish that day. From the Starbucks who made their coffee inadequately to mani/pedi and haircut to grocery shopping for the gourmet meal they'll make that evening to sharpening skates for the game they'll cheer to painting class or jazzercize or private trainer. You, my dears, can have your list!
• Meals are now bigger and more complex if we have the time. No one says we have to eat by a particular time. If we have activities early in the evening, we just eat a bit later. If we have activities later, we eat a bit earlier. I'm learning to enjoy the process of shopping (well, writing up the list after perusing recipes) and preparing food, every day.
• I turn on music, pick up a magazine, grab a blanket and curl up on the couch in the middle of the day. What? Yes, I do. All fear of criticism and distain is gone!
• This new sense of delay is everywhere - even in my shower! I am notorious for my 5-minute shower. This is usually because I am the last one and there is no hot water left. Now with the new tank, I revel in a few extra minutes of washing my troubles down the drain!

My lingering all seems to be pretty active. Probably not the real definition of the word! But I am getting there. I'm hoping to take a few classes in meditation in the spring. In the meantime, perhaps instead of picking up anything, I could just turn on music and simply breathe rather than picking up a book or magazine!

LIST 01 | realized lately

I'm a list person.

I thrive in order and control, especially with a calendar in hand! In my effort to "keep it real" around here, I'm hoping to post the occasional list of some kind - preferably relective in nature - and this is my first effort. Things have been a bit chaotic over the last few months and I need a spot to collect those things that leak from my brain!

I have come to realize, fully, lately:

1. My concept of "sexy" has changed. It is no longer defined by a melodic voice, broad shoulders and a twinkle in the eye; it is now defined by employment, humour and more than a little acceptance of humble. Oh, and super sexy is a man who is a good dad to his children. Swoon.
2. We eat a lot of chicken and too many of us prefer dark meat. I have to figure out what to do with the white meat left on the rotisserie chickens we buy!
3. I am disappointed by those in authority who use "privacy" and "confidentiality" as a means to manipulate. The problem is, as a result, they have given far too much power to those they are supposed to guide and protect. Transparency, on the other hand, has very little downside to the genuine and honest among us. I fully embrace transparency. With it comes a feeling of security and calm.
4. This new home of ours is lovely but I miss one thing from the old house: my connection to outdoors. For five years we lived in a house with floor-to-ceiling windows and it really connected me with nature and the weather. I'm trying to figure out how to continue that feeling of connection under very different circumstances.
5. I crave, of all things, oatmeal. Every morning. I have forgotten to set the crock pot a few evenings and it really does ruin my morning!
6. It is way harder to look at the bright side and approach the world with positive intent than the alternative. I'm learning that only the weak and lazy rely on negative energy. I no longer care that my staying away from toxic people makes me appear rude. I'm not rude, I'm just not willing to waste my time on the weak and lazy.
7. A full king size bed to myself? Bliss.
8. I always think I have way more time than I do. I never account for life getting in the way. Those 23 boxes in January? Still stacked up! The appliances? Still not purchased, delivered or installed. The painting? I still must call a painter - but I have yet to find one who is not a thief. Sigh.
9. You never hear the full story from your kids until some time has passed. Only recently have I heard about Claire's first "semi" (in grade 7, four years ago) as we were discussing her most recent "semi", on Friday night. I love how she speaks with such endearment about one of the boys who now, in grade eleven, she doesn't associate with at school. I wonder if he knows? And if he does, does it matter?
10. Sometimes my children speak to me in a language I just simply do not understand. Case in point? Caden speaks "gamer" to me. Um, what was that? Sure. I think. Maybe.

This has to stop! I could go on and on. And on.

What have you realized lately?

Returning to ME

I used to have as many dreams as there are stars in the sky.

I've had some thoughts swirling through my head for a while about my journey of the past couple of years. The place I was, where I am now and where I hope to go in the future. To be honest, it's the dream - plans for the future - part I struggle with, not the dealing with the here-and-now. I live a very goal-oriented life, filled with short-term, practical, goals.

I read Jenny's article and realized that I too, over the course of this journey, have lost part of my identity, a significant part of it. I have been so busy being mum to my four kids and wife to someone who didn't want to be married that I got lost somewhere in the crazy of it all. One line in Jenny's article stood out to me: "I had to sit down and remind myself what I liked and what excited me that wasn’t related to Jeff or the kids."

Being so firmly grounded in the needs of my family, I have lost touch with my myself. I have lost touch with my dreams. Bits are coming back and I'm in the middle of mulling those ideas and putting a pretty ambitious (though far more limited than Jenny's!) list together.

In the meantime, I don't want my kids to lose sight of their dreams. As I've learned first-hand, it is so easy to do while dealing with the demands of every day. I wish I had a list of my dreams when I was a teen, even when I was in my mid-20s. I really can't, for the life of me, remember what I wanted to do before my life became what it is today. Following Jenny's lead, I've asked my kids what their dreams are for the future. This is what they provided me:

CLAIRE:

1. Meet at least two of my favourite bands.
2. Travel around Europe. All of it.
3. Learn guitar.
4. Graduate and get into some great universities (e.g. Acadia, Laurier, Guelph, Waterloo, even UBC)
5. Meet some of my favourite authors, such as John Green, Cassandra Clare, Suzanne Collins, etc.
6. Fall in love, get married and make sure it lasts a long time. (What can I say? I'm a hopeless romantic!)

COLE:

1. Travel the world
2. Bungee jump
3. Go to space
4. Get good enough at singing/acting that I can make a profit out of it, big or small doesn’t matter
5. Get a university degree

CHLOE:

1. Audition for a Broadway musical
2. Travel the World
3. Go whale watching in Hawaii or Australia
4. Spend a day baking
5. Learn to play the drums

CADEN:

1. Make the best video game ever :)
2. Get paid to make YouTube videos
3. Have a Guinness world record
4. Travel the world
5. Have 2 cats, 1 dog, and 3 guinea pigs(When I have my own house)

I often laugh to my friends that my children are "four points on a compass" but these lists confirm it! I find it pretty interesting to read that they all want to travel the world (and beyond) - and what they'd like to do. I have a vague recollection of similar ideas.

I'm inspired.

ME:

1. Get off Auto
2. Have my home be exactly what I want it to be, every inch of it
3. Sing, again
4. Travel the world (the part without wars - or highly contageous disease)
5. Lose all of the weight (then get it tucked)

I know, still a bit too goal-oriented rather than dream-oriented, but it is still a stretch for me at the moment.

[A note to Jenny: I have to thank you for your honesty and creativity. You give me the courage to be more true to myself and permission to tackle topics, openly, from which I might naturally shy away. Now I won't. Your blog resonates within me, every day.]

Break

Not so long ago there was a lot of drama in my life. I came to realize it was because I chose to engage in every battle.

Since then I learned to pick my battles. I can often be heard asking my children "is this the one fight you want to die over?" That his how we choose whether or not to engage.

I have now learned that we don't always have an option. Sometimes we don't choose the battle, the battle chooses us.

This fight is one I am willing to die over. There are only so many hours in the day and though I will not stop writing and taking pictures, the blog here has to be shelved as this battle will require all of my time and effort.

Onward.

Lifting: Naming Your Petals

I have completely lifted this idea from Carolyn Rubenstein's blog, where Hope Wallace Karney blogged this project which was inspired by Ali Edwards.

Sigh.

I love, love, love all of the incredible inspiration that can be found here on the internet. You hear of so much badness online; it's nice to know that there's plenty of goodness to feed my need for smart inspiration. THIS is one of those.

How I labeled my petals: I read the article, I grabbed a post-it note and sometime between delivering one child to rugby training and another to singing lessons, I took 2 minutes and wrote down my words. I appreciate that in addition to the project, HMK asked a number of thought provoking questions:

PART ONE

What was the first petal you named? Why did it come to you so easily (perhaps this is something you self consciously need to focus on the most)?

CONNECTION. It is the one thing I know for sure I have to do to grow as a person moving forward in my new life. Previously, I spent a lot of time avoiding contact with people out of fear. Judgement and ridicule was the order of my days for so long. My social self-confidence hit its nadir sometime last spring and it's been a continuous effort to climb up and gain my equilibrium. This has been a wonderful journey and one I must continue.

What was the last petal you named? It is something you are avoiding? Something you don’t give enough thought to?

LEARN was the last petal named. Certainly nothing I'm avoiding but an element of my life that has become habit. It comes so naturally I forget about it! I'm on a constant quest to challenge myself and to understand more. I love the process of learning and seek to nurture my curiosity in all situations. 

Did any petal surprise you?  If so, why?

LISTEN & OBSERVE. I really have to do this more and though I've been considering some tools to assist me in being a more active listener and observer, I was surprised it has become (clearly) top-of-mind important. 

Did any petal make you feel guilty? If so, why?

No. I've changed my attitude over the last couple of years and guilt no longer plays a part in any aspect of my life. I've purged a lot of bad things: guilt, shame, judgement and replaced them with good things: encouragement, kindness and patience. (Let's be clear: the good things are HARD work, daily, but so worth it. Negative is such a spirit-suck. Positive is a spirit-fill.) 

What order would you put your petals in, as far as importance to you and your well being?

I don't know that I would order them in any particular way. Each petal represents something important to my well being and can change in order of importance - daily! 

Any petals you wish you could change now? Explain.

I wish I could add more petals!

How do your petals tell your story?

I love that the petals are a reflection of where I am headed. I've let go of those things I cannot change and have shifted my focus onto those things that are worthy in my life. The petals really do represent a new chapter - while still holding onto lessons learned.

Which petal do you wish you could pluck off?

None. All petals are worthy.

 

PART TWO

For each petal…

• What are your thoughts when reading what you wrote?
• List three things that elaborate on each petal
• Now write one sentence for each list item (this is a good way to jumpstart journaling) Note: I'll be doing this in another forum - in my journal :) 

CONNECTION: foster more & deeper CONNECTION to family, friends and potential

This is definitely something I'm enjoying and want to take more risks and open myself to further opportunities to meet and connect with people

1. Lunches and conversations with friends
2. Phone calls (not just e-mail and BBMs) with family
3. Encouraging connections between my kids.

HEALTH: MY HEALTH is a priority with MOVEMENT and NUTRITION key

No more messing around, this has to become my priority #1

1. MMEW has been a wonderful way to marry my actions with accountability in a creative and meaningful way.
2. My thyroid really needs to be checked again. I can tell the dosage is off.
3. I just joined our local YMCA - now I have to WALK OVER THERE and move more!

OPEN: - ideas - people - opportunity

My One Little Word for 2012 and I look forward to see where it takes me

1. Ideas
2. People
3. Opportunity

STORIES: with authenticity tell STORIES and take supporting photos & art

I am finding my voice and it is really wonderful. I was getting there, but Project Life has really put me in the right "head space" to make this work.

1. Take more photos
2. Define and refine creative process to make the telling of stories easier
3. Improve forum and find one that is more representative of where I am now

KIDS: LIGHT OF MY LIFE

Everything I do is for my kids. For the foreseeable future they are the ONLY priority. I no longer resent their demands on my time or consider them anything but a joy. I've genuinely embraced that I can have it all - just not all at one time :)

1. Encouragement
2. Patience
3. Reasonable expectation

ORDER: Embrace ORDER with no apology. Take control. Do not settle anymore.

I thrive in order and control. I know, it's a bit of an oxymoron because creative types are supposed to thrive in chaos and crazy. Aren't they?

1. Get the house together, finally
2. Keep writing those lists and scratching off the things to do
3. "Do not settle" is key

YES: Say YES to chances EVERY DAY

I found the phrase "say yes to opportunities, say no to obstacles" isn't that brilliant? Thanks to Jenny for her wisdom.

1. Continue to say yes to the kids and give them (safe) opportunities to make mistakes - after all, it's the only way for them to learn judgement and their own boundaries
2. Go to that lunch, go to that dinner, go to that party, go to that show, go to that XYZ. Say yes to whatever it is, with no pre-judgement, and go, enjoy.
3. Embrace opportunities to grow as a person and as a mum

LISTEN & OBSERVE: More LISTEN & OBSERVE More

I really just have to shut up. When I'm nervous I talk, a lot. With confidence will come silence. I hope!

1. Breathe.
2. Look for the beauty in all things
3. Continue to say only kind things, or say nothing at all

LEARN: new things

Curiosity is a character trait that was considered unacceptable when I was growing up - it was considered rude. Only recently have I learned that it is quite the opposite.

1. Ask questions and show interest
2. Don't just collect information and books - read, follow up, engage
3. Engage in the hard stuff, things that challenge

 

PART THREE

Try and do the exercise again in a month or two and see the difference in where you are then.

THIS is something I should do - and perhaps maybe that is the missing petal: REFLECTION. Or maybe COURAGE or BOLD or KIND or FULFILLED or OUT LOUD or FIERCE or LAUGH or ENGAGE or INCLUSIVE or FINISH (or, start AND FINISH).

I really do need a bigger flower :)

 

What about you? What would you name your petals?

2012 | Non Goals & Goals

I love finding smart stuff. After a year that was emotionally and physically exhausting, this idea gave me an opportunity to look back and see what changes were made that were good for me and I want to keep up - part of my life menu. Validation for what I'm doing right  ...

NON GOAL | You've worked really hard to have an open, honest and encouraging relationship with all four kids (and their friends). Continue to be mindful and keep it up.

NON GOAL | You can open the bills and pay them. It still makes you a bit sick to your stomach, but you can do this. Forget about the demons of the past. You are now fully in charge. Onward.

NON GOAL | You have finally taken charge of your health. Take that thyroid pill each morning but be sure to follow up with those blood tests with the doctor. After all, you changed doctors for a reason, go to her, she's good.

NON GOAL | Great job doing things that scare you! It was hard, but so worth it. Keep doing things that scare you and take those risks.

NON GOAL | So impressed that you, an avowed non-cook, have made 20 out of 21 meals each week from scratch. Keep looking forward to those pizza Sunday afternoons!

NON GOAL | As much as it annoys you, keep harassing CWTB-X to stay in contact with his kids. You might never want to see him again, but they need to foster a relationship.

NON GOAL | Remember the look on Claire's face when you agreed she could (finally) go back to play house league baseball? Keep saying "yes" as much as possible. You've learned the lesson that "no" is just lazy, antisocial and selfish - so keep up the positivity and engage!

NON GOAL | Hasn't it been great to connect with your friends, regularly? Hasn't it been wonderful to be able to have non-censored, kind and complete conversations? Keep going. You've missed a few friends, time to catch up with more. And, while your at it, cultivate some new friendships along the way.

NON GOAL | You have such a passion for writing. Keep writing.

Love me some validation.

Now, to keep it real. There is still a lot more that has to be done!

GOAL | Keep doing the research and decide on the new vehicle. Then start the negotiations. Lease on the Highlander is up in March!

GOAL | Put together a comprehensive calendar that includes not only the activities for everyone, but how you're going to manage to feed everyone with the crazy upcoming schedule. Make it as simple and modifiable as possible.

GOAL | WALK. Every day, follow the routes you've put on dailymile. The weather is NO EXCUSE. You can always walk in the mall in the morning if it's really cold or wet. Maybe this year the blue hairs won't lap you.

GOAL | You've chosen to participate in three rigorous projects for this year: Move More, Eat Well; Project Life and One Little Word. DON'T STOP. You chose these for a reason. Do them.

GOAL | Get the analysis done and the orders placed for the College Shop. Chose some new and fun "spirit wear" going forward. Make a product and merchandising plan for next year! Have the meetings with the right people and iron out a comprehensive plan.

GOAL | Nail down that project you want to do with RJC. It will be good - for both of you.

GOAL | Write up a complete list of things that need to be DONE, PURCHASED and REPLACED in the house. Then budget and execute the plan.

GOAL | Read! If you want to be a good writer you have to be a good reader. Get book recommendations and enjoy.

GOAL | Unpack the boxes. There are 23 left. Empty them. Seriously.

GOAL | Eat breakfast. Every morning.

Ah, character building. It's not just for our children :)

Move More, Eat Well: Redux

I have been captivated with Cathy Zielske's journey to health over the last couple of years. She and I share many similar stories and choices and I greatly appreciate having someone relatable and accessible giving me encouragement. I made one less-than-successful attempt at the Move More Eat Less idea early last year, but life got in the way and other priorities took over.

Yes, other priorities. Something more important than health? Yep.

So now that I've got things in hand - if not quite well in hand, they are no longer out of control - it is time to attempt this revamped idea along with Cathy Zielske. Even better? This year, her Move More, Eat Well program is being hosted and available on Big Picture Classes. It starts on January 1st!

I received the pre-class assignments a while back. Then I got stuck, as I often do, on the periferals. In this case, the immense cost of buying the page protectors (not the actual page protectors but the shipping to Canada was insane!). I resisted. Then it got to the point if I didn't order them I knew I'd be sunk before I started. In the end, I realized I sign up for these instructor-lead classes so I don't have to re-think anything. I ordered the page protectors, cringed at the $20+ for shipping, and then did the assignments - on December 27th - just in time! 

For many people this will be an intensely private journey. Not for me. Over the years, I have chosen to live an absurdly open and honest existence. I have no secrets. There is no ammunition given to anyone "out there" that can hurt me. I've faced up to the mistakes of my youth and live, with comfort and resignation, the mistakes made as an adult. I can't imagine anything in this journey that will bring up something I haven't faced before. I plan to share the whole process here on the blog. There are two reasons for that: maybe I can encourage someone else to join in their own journey and, for me, it will keep me accountable.

MOVE MORE EAT WELL: Pre-class Assignment

Page 1

Statement of Intention

 Page 2

Five Things

Along with my own resolve, my kids will, as always, be key to the success of this program. I hope they benefit greatly from not just the consumption of the foods being chosen but be an integral part of the choosing, purchasing and preparing the food that comes into the house. They are, generally, active but I know I can convince a couple to come out walking with me and Cole will be happy to be my "personal trainer" over at the park during the spring and summer months. Who knows? Maybe I can convince one or two to play tennis with me?

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Right now I will be content with baby steps: MOVE MORE and EAT WELL.

What about you?

The High School Quiz

Yes, this snapshot was taken at my high school graduation. So long ago!

I enjoy Positively Present as it always offers up something to think about and encourages the maintenace of a great attitude. Recently, she offered up what she refers to as a "high school quiz" and I figured I'd take it:

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? Caden, my youngest, crossing the street to the grocery store. I have to sneak it in when I can!

2. Are you outgoing or shy? Shy, but I make a good show of being outgoing :)

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? My family - nieces and nephews - at Christmas. And friends, too.

4. Are you easy to get along with? For some, yes. For others, not so much.

5. Have you ever given up on someone? Yes.

6. Do you enjoy school/work? I enjoy learning, and I do every day.

7. What person do you think about most often? Collectively, my children. I'm not in the right head space to think of anyone else.

8. What does your most recent text say? "OK" in response to my BBM for Cole to come downstairs. I prefer the BBM to yelling!

9. Who did you last speak with for over 30 minutes? My sister, Beth.

10. Do you believe in good luck? I believe you make your own luck and "good" or "bad" is directly influenced by your own attitude.

11. How do you feel in a big crowd of people? Uncomfortable, yet at the same time strangely energized.

12. What was the best thing that happened this summer? I put my life in order.

13. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? No.

14. Do you think there is life on other planets? Yes.

15. Do you still think about your first crush/love? Yes, every time I "see" him on Facebook. I love that we're still friends.

16. What bad habits do you wish you could break? Oh, so many! I suppose my exercise avoidance would be at the top of the list.

17. What's the first thing you do when you wake up? Stretch. Make a mental list for the day. Brush my teeth.

18. Did you dream last night? About what? No dreams, at least none that I can recall.

19. Who is the most comfortable person to be around? Mary Lou - the lady at my chiroprator's office - she is so lovely, warm and understanding. Love her.

20. What made you happy today? I got up and had something to do.

21. Which celebrity would you want to date and why? Sam Elliott or Tom Selleck or Michael McDonald. Sigh. Maybe it's the mustache? Nah. It's all about the voice.

22. Do you enjoy playing sports? Yes. I'd like back to playing tennis. Soon. In the meantime I'm walking and plans to swim are underway - now to just get in the water.

23. When was the last time you wrote a thank you note? Yesterday, by hand. Right before posting this, by email.

24. Would you rather live without TV or music? TV. Though I'm enjoying my Galaxy music coming through the TV - channel 314.

25. Are you currently keeping a secret from someone? No. Secrets are dangerous, so I keep none.

26. Do you think age matters? Yes.

27. What was the last store you went into? Fortino's for groceries.

28. What is your dream job? Still trying to decide.

29. Do you believe in second chances? Yes, but not third. Contrary to popular belief, life is not a game of baseball.

30. Do you smile at strangers? Yes.

31. Is your voice quiet or loud? LOUD.

32. Would you rather go to space or to the bottom of the ocean? Space. The bottom of the ocean scares me.

33. What are you most afraid of? The health and safety of my children.

34. What is the nicest thing someone ever said to you? Thank you.

35. Have you done anything you hope no one ever knows about? No.

36. If you could write a book, what would it be about? Minor hockey. Or parenting. Or both.

37. Do you enjoy bubble baths? No.

38. How would you describe your perfect day? Waking up to an early sunrise, with an open window and cool breeze. Followed by a cup of strong coffee. A day where I could read, write, take photos and not have to clean, cook or do laundry. A late afternoon game of tennis, or a golf lesson followed by a long shower. Then I'd enjoy a nice seafood filled dinner and tasty white wine followed with a light dessert of fruit and custard. I'd make my way back to my room where a masseuse would be waiting. I'd have a 1/2 hour massage and then head off to bed for a lovely night sleep.

39. Would you rather lose your vision or your hearing? Hearing.

40. What astrological sign are you? Virgo.

41. Do you know the meaning of your name? It's Gaelic in origin - for clearing or meadow.

42. Do you prefer indoors or outdoors? Indoors when it's hot out. Outdoors the rest of the time. Preferably with my camera in hand. And appropriate footwear.

43. What was the name of your first pet? The first one I remember would be Scotty, our West Highland White terrier.

44. Do you have a crush on someone right now? Most definitely.

45. Where would you travel if you could go anywhere? Morocco or Istanbul.

46. What do you do during an awkward silence? Depending on who I'm with I either fill it, or enjoy the quiet.

47. What part of your body do you love most? My hair.

48. Who did you last say "I love you" to? My kids.

49. Did you make your bed this morning? Yes.

50. Are you who you want to be? Not yet, but I'm finally on the right track.

What about you? Link up in the comments if you choose to participate, I'd love to get to know you better!

List of Lee Improvements

Like many of us, I am (still) a work in progress. There are a number of improvements that can be made, old habits to break. I've identified a few areas I consider lacking, and if I could be better at a few things, these would be where I'd start. In fact, I've started:

PATIENCE. A virtue to which I aspire and constantly fall short. I just do not understand what motivates other people to be unkind or self-serving and I find it frustrating. I also have a problem with having to repeat myself. Which I have to do, a lot. I'm thinking it is because I've surrounded myself with four pre- and full-teens. Start: My kids mentioned recently that I no longer "heavy sigh". Looks like I've removed a few patience-testers ;)

FINISHING. I love the rush of a new project. The promise of the completed idea. Unfortunately, I tend to use up all of my energy and enthusiasm on the planning and preparation stages and completely fizzle out by the execution stage. Most of the things I take on (or get put upon me) are large in scale. Start: I'm trying to take things in smaller chunks and am enjoying the smaller victories. Sweet motivation!

TEMPER. I am slow to boil, but when I do, look out: I blow. I am working on it, but it's hard to keep a lid on sometimes. Start: At least I am learning to pick my battles and simply ignore the rest. It is an improvement. Just don't go after my kids, that really is just about the only battle worth waging - and I wage well.

ENGAGING. I always feel forgettable. My assumption is that though we may have met, you would not have remembered me. If you and I are at the same event and the situation does not present itself for me to say "hello", I don't say "hello" and assume it's not a big deal. Start: It is super uncomfortable, but I'm making an effort to say "hello" even if, which is very likely, I've forgotten your name. I just apologise up front and greet you anyway.

MONEY: Money has always scared me and it is one of the few things - a HUGE thing - that makes me want to put my head in the sand and ignore. Hmm. Not smart. For years I haven't had to administer the payment of a household bill and it was bliss. Not having to address that knot in my stomach. Guess what? I do now! Start: I'm opening bills and paying them right away. It still makes me uncomfortable but I'm dealing with it.

LETTERS. I want to write letters. Real letters. I just can't seem to find the time. Start: I have a box of notecards and a pen in my purse. It may not be a long note, but it's better than nothing.

MUSIC. For years I've been mocked over my choices in music (not edgy or obscure enough). Outside of the privacy of my vehicle, I stopped listening. Start: I have turned off the television and music is playing in the house all day long. Not only is it less distracting, I get so much more done through the day.

CONNECTION. The last six months have been an odd and uncertain chapter in my life, one of extreme transition for me and for my kids. We have, not by choice (certainly not theirs), disconnected from parts of our recent past. Start: We are reconnecting with family and friends on a regular basis. Regular phone calls. Regular visits. It has been wonderful. So good for my children, and me too!

CREATIVITY. Totally abandoned, as evidenced by the lack of regular posting here on the blog! No writing. No photos. No scrapbook pages. No decor changes. No plans. Sigh. Start: I've raised my hand and volunteered to take some photos for others. It's not much, but it's something. I've even inched back into posting. Sort of.

SAYING "NO". I asked my kids "what am I really bad at" and they each responded with the same thing. Clearly this is something that should change :) I do say "yes" a lot but I think over the winter they need, and we need, a bit more structure. In order to do that, I'll have to throw around a few "no's". Start: nothing yet, but considering.

So, the easy part - identification - is done. The hard part - starting - is underway!

iwasamthinkwonderwishsavealwayscan'timaginebelievepromiselovescrap

iwas always so insecure and awkward as a kid.

iam so glad i grew up.

ithink positive and kind thoughts, always (even when it's hard!).

iwonder what surprises the next few months will bring.

iwish there were more hours in the day.

isave memories.

ialways sleep with my feet uncovered.

ican’t imagine not always having something to do.

ibelieve in the power of kindness.

ipromise to appreciate every day and everyone in it.

ilove my life, now.

iscrap everyday stories.

inspired by: this 

4 Simple Goals | September 2011

a day late ...

Last August, Elsie Flannigan posted a simple and doable challenge.

My 4 Simple Goals, September edition, includes:

1. PAINTING. Every room in the new house is in various stages of "done". By the end of the month I want to have all of the painting completed. Not one speck that needs to be painted will be waiting on paint.
2. CAMERA PLAY. For my birthday I bought a new lens for my camera. (Well, my sister got it for me in the States and I'm waiting on it's arrival.) I want to make the time through the month to play with it and learn how to make it do what I need it to do before the big World Wide Photo Walk on October 1st!
3. MAP OUT. And organize the calendar, lists and other household logistics of Autumn, through to Christmas. All of the kids have their studies which is the top priority followed by work (paid and volunteer) and activities (choir and hockey). All of this has to be figured out and put in a way that it is manageable - with as much consistency as possible.
4. PRINT. I've been meaning to send them in, but I have to organize and send in my Cape Cod album pages to Green Pixel Printing.

REWARD: I fell in love a particular ring, ever since I saw it on Pinterest, a while back. It represents to me my new sense of being untied, free, loose ... ready for whatever comes next. So, if I am able to accomplish my list, I'll order my ring. 

What about you? Do you have a few activity oriented goals you'd like to meet? If so and you participate, let me know! I'd love to see what you have planned.

At 47 | A Work In Progress

They are not in season, but if I could have one thing, it would be a garden filled with white peonies.

As my (much) younger friends on the www tend to make a list for their birthday, I thought I'd join in.

Mine will be the extended version as I turn 47 today. Did you hear that? *GASP* Most days I feel more like I did when was 27 :)

So, here's my list:

1. Go see a stage show in Toronto with the kids
2. Buy a new lens for my camera
3. Update my resume
4. Start my own Project Life
5. Send two handwritten cards, via post, each month
6. Eat more fruits + veggies :: try some new varieties
7. Create + publish a photo book
8. Go back to the desert for renewal
9. Empty all cupboards and drawers of unused things - round 2
10. Bake cookies a couple of times each month
11. Unpack my sewing machine and sew something
12. Read more books :: fiction + biographies
13. Go for a spa day with a friend
14. Light candles regularly
15. Put my own art on my own walls
16. Update all household files
17. Take a photography workshop
18. Find + buy new dishes
19. Then throw a dinner party
20. Gain better control of my frustration and breathe
21. Learn to snowshoe
22. Have all kitchen knives professionally sharpened
23. Plan regular one-on-one date nights with my kids
24. Replace all of the pillows on my bed
25. Take a cooking course
26. Plan an evening out with girlfriends
27. Enjoy a game night with the kids
28. Visit the ROM and AGO
29. Make + maintain a family Control Journal
30. Learn to spraypaint - properly
31. Watch all of my "Gilmour Girls" DVDs
32. Participate in this Worldwide Photo Walk - join me?
33. Go swimming
34. Take Claire on a University tour - at least four schools
35. Volunteer at the kids' schools
36. Go to bed early - like 9PM - for a whole week
37. Walk. Every. Day.
38. Sit down and outline the novel, really
39. Redesign my blog
40. Visit my sister in Virginia
41. Organize my recipes
42. Plan a Mediterranean cruise
43. Plan a weekend away, alone - just me and my camera. Anyone local ('cuz I know Kiri would take them in Charlotte!) want four kids for three days? :)
44. Read at least 2 books each month
45. Enjoy a TV-free week
46. Re-do the master, err, mistress bathroom
47. Make more time for play

When I sat down to write this list I thought it would be crazy to even attempt. After all, this being my "year of do" has been so fruitful I thought there was nothing left! Maybe I should have attempted a list of things already done, or the mistakes I've made in my 46 years ;)

I think it turned out okay. Hard to believe all of the things still left undone. Can you tell I enjoying being a constant work in progress? I hate the idea that I would ever stop learning, or growing as a person. Thank goodness there is always something to look forward to ... especially the next 47 years!

tgif :: 02.09.11

I'm trusting my choices. Currently every one has been mine alone and I think I'm getting the hang of it. I have to say, it's nice to not be told I'm always wrong. So far (fingers crossed) I haven't been!

I'm grateful for my friends. They have been such wonderful, kind and thoughtful sounding boards and source of comfort as I go through this draining journey. 

I'm inspired by my children who, by all accounts, are content to simply put one foot in front of the other. They all look toward the adventures ahead with hearts full of anticipation.

Do you want to participate in TGIF? If so, get the scoop over at Ordinary Courage. Even if you don't want to participate, do yourself a favour today and head over anyway. You won't regret it!

the current | nine

listening to the silence
eating healthy foods, well mostly
drinking perrier
wearing paint covered clothing
feeling overwhelmed but optimistic
wanting our house to sell!
needing routine, some ordinary days
thinking i am content to handle one day at a time
enjoying progress in the new house
wondering what i was waiting for
creating a brand new life
procrastinating is not part of my world
pondering my next project
loving my new outlook
anticipating good things ahead

idea discovered on this blog.

where is your current taking you?

these days ...

these days i've discovered the only place to cool off is dark and mossy.
cape cod, july 2011

these days i'm trying to enjoy some summer downtime.
these days i yell less and laugh more.
these days i am hoping for a quick sale.
these days i am being realistic. fingers crossed all the same!
these days i've been walking more and more every day.
these days i am (finally) looking forward to writing again. so relieved.
these days i am filling up my pinterest boards with ideas for our new home.
these days i miss someone i have no business missing.
these days i'm catching up on and finally responding to emails.
these days my kids are all in need of something: necessities and niceties.
these days i'm wilting in the heat.
these days i'm risking more as i no longer worry about rejection.
these days i'm trying new recipes and enjoying the benefits.
these days i am so thankful. more each day.
these days i am dreaming about paint chips and area rugs.
these days i'm looking forward to lunch with girlfriends.
these days i'm back to saying "yes" more than "no".
these days going back to the same place every year is so comforting.
these days i'm encouraging my children to choose patience and kindness.
these days i'm listening to new music, this is a favourite.
these days i want to read more but still compute way too much!
these days i look forward, not back.
these days i choose open not closed.
these days my kids are growing up too fast - where's the reverse button?
these days i'm trying new fruits and vegetables.
these days i realize weight has no bearing on worthy.
these days i welcome the changes and challenges in my world.
these days my "to do" list is becoming a "ta da" list!