Note: this was originally written on 4 June 2011. At that point I had been separated from my husband for over four years, though we shared the same house. I was not comfortable publishing it then. I'm more than comfortable publishing it now. I find it amazing what time, distance and perspective can do for your attitude!
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04 June 2011
I find it a bit startling, but more amusing, when some of my friends ask me about my plans for moving on ... in a personal sense. Clearly no one feels that it's enough that I'm packing up my house, making necessary repairs, finishing projects, dealing with real estate agents (lovely), bankers (lovely), lawyers (lovely - well, most), cops (hmm) and all manner of services (some good, some not so much), but everyone wants to know when I'm going to start looking after me. As in ... dating.
Everyone is a romantic, even the worst cynic.
My answer is simple, a resounding "No."
I realize that those close to me want to see me happy. So do I. My kids are in that group. They are on some kind of search for the "perfect guy for Mama". They ask me what I think about the teachers they know; the neighbours we have had past and present; the non-attached parents of their friends and teammates. I realize it is all considered in an effort to make me feel better and optimistic about my future. It does. The caring and concern by so many makes my heart sing.
I have had plenty of occasion to be so very grateful for the kindness of many of the men in my life, those who have stepped up and really taken on the cloak of "hero" in this whole messy business of pending-divorce. Some of them may never know just how their gentle kindness, silly smiles and corny jokes have made me feel like my load has been lightened, if only a little bit. I have a crush on each and every one of them - and their partners are often the object of my envy.
I am equally grateful for the women who tell me to slow down and be more kind to myself. I'm really learning to laugh again. I am so grateful for their insight, experience and advice. I have a crush on each and every one of them, too - and their partners should thank their lucky stars!
Even in this state of transition, I realize I'm way ahead of the game as I have always believed that you cannot be happy with someone unless you are happy with yourself. You know something? I really like the woman I am, certainly the one who is evolving: a complex, vulnerable, healthy, strong, fun - one who finally has her priorities right! I am ripe for much, I just can't imagine anyone meeting the majority of "musts" on my list. Now, granted, that list is being made by me, someone in the midst of licking her wounds, but still, it's pretty hard to meet.
A few women I know, when they were at that last gasp of faith in finding the right partner, wrote down their criteria. As of today, here is mine:
THE MAN LIST
- It takes a special kind of man, one with a unique confidence, to handle someone who is strong-willed, creative, driven, vulnerable and independent. Oh, and mama to four pre- and full-teens. I need that confidence and understanding. They need it more.
- I don't need someone filled with bravado and bullshit. I need someone who knows who he is, with little apology, but with enough kindness and humour to laugh at himself. And let me laugh, too.
- I want someone who is engaged. Fully involved in his life: his career, his friends, his family, to which my children and I would be a compliment, not a detraction. And I want him to be open to be a part of my friends and family, too.
- I want to be cared for - really. Not only that, I know I'm asking for a lot, but at 5'10" I want to feel enveloped and safe when hugged.
- I want to be hugged. I want to walk through the neighbourhood holding hands. I want a gentle squeeze of support when I'm uncomfortable. I want to sit on the couch watching Hockey Night in Canada in quiet comfort - even if he's watching and I'm reading a book.
- I want my children to be treated with respect and humour. With kindness and understanding. With encouragement and knowledge. With patience, good judgement and love.
- I want someone to want to provide for me. I know I can do it myself, I want someone to step up and do it with me. A full financial and emotional partner.
- I want charm with substance. I want a twinkle in the eye that hints at great intelligence and warmth. I want a smile that goes to the eyes.
- I want someone patient with my temper. I am very slow to boil, but once I hit a good simmer, holy smokes, just let me blow. Respect me enough to let me give vent to my opinion.
- I want someone to talk to my kids about what interests my kids, not dominate them with opinions and ideas of their own.
- I want someone to engage with my children - don't talk about how great golf is - show them; don't talk about how great a band is - play it for them or go to a concert; don't talk about how lovely Scotland or France or Italy is - take them; don't talk to them about science and principles - show them. Make it fun for everyone. A great adventure. ENGAGE them.
- Personal habits? Everyone has them. Please don't smoke. Please don't lie - even those easy lies of omission. Please say "excuse me" if you burp or fart. Please choose me, first - always. Please don't go for a 20-minute dump the minute I call everyone to the table for dinner. Please don't treat me like I'm stupid. Please, no porn. Please finish the projects you start. Please pick up after yourself. Please don't have an opinion if you are not willing to live by that opinion yourself.
- Let me cry. It's not done as a manipulation, it is done as a release. Let me release.
- Please remember my birthday, and buy me a token. I don't want for anything, but the idea that you listened and found something for me because you thought I'd like it? Take my breath away. And then resuscitate me!
- Please do not be rude to my friends - or anyone for that matter. I really don't care if you've had a bad day, you have no right to impose your mood on others. I teach this principle to my kids, and I expect the same of the adults around me.
- Please encourage me when I decide I want to do something. If I decide to quit smoking, please do not smoke in front of me or in my house. If I decide to lose weight, don't go to the bakery and buy me my favourite carrot cake. When I decide to invite my parents over - or visit with them - do not choose that morning to find a meaningless argument to fight over. Please do not sabotage my efforts to be better.
How can I be so clear on what I want, after all, I've only just separated from my husband. The reality? I've been separated for a very long time - and thought about it for at least double that time - and realized that though my soon to be (but not soon enough) ex-husband might have met some of this criteria when we were first married, he definitely does not meet them after 16 years of marriage.
Through the journey I have to admit it came as more than a bit of surprise to realize that there was someone who provided a lovely distraction. In my head. It never occured to me that the part of me so long dormant, near dead, was not gone at all. It was joyous to realize that someone could be, maybe, interested in me as more than just mother to four fabulous kids or the lady with the big laugh and biting sense of humour. I am thrilled for the distraction and until it's more, it is what he is. Lovely.
I tell my children: when you don't ask, the answer is an automatic "no". I didn't realize I was falling into the same trap.
04/06/11
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Now here we are eighteen months later and I find I'm in a place where, when my kids and friends suggest that I go on a date, I'm not so quick to say "no". There is still so much to work on to make me a better me, but boy am I ever so much better than I was back then! Funny enough, though I've made huge strides, my Man List is pretty much the same with one small change.
To all of the above, modify to include:
My kids are getting older and therefore no longer need to be hands-on parented as much. Ideally the right man would have a home, children and life of his own, he would be someone who is looking to spend an evening at dinner or the theatre, head out of town for a weekend getaway or a week-long holiday, someone happy to chill at home - all this without children, his or mine. I am not looking to get married ever again. I am not looking for a co-parent. I am not looking for any long term emotional or financial commitment. I am simply looking to be in the company of a good, honest and kind person, someone I can appreciate for whatever time is available.
So, there it is. Out in the Universe.
It's time to ask.