I turn 50 today.
If I could have predicted what life would be like at 50 when I was 25, 35 or even 45, my current experience is not what I would have imagined, not in my wildest dreams. It is so much better than anything I could have ever considered.
Truth. You don't know what you don't know.
50 may seem like a big number and I suppose it is. Most days I don't really feel much older than I did when I was 20! Then again there are those other days I feel much older.
When I was younger I spent a lot of time and effort running toward growing up, proceeded to grow up way too fast and then desperately looked back at what I'd missed and tried to fix what was broken while trying to hold onto the good bits. It was exhausting - physically and emotionally.
I can do difficult things. My divorce, final for almost a year, was a needlessly long and expensive process. It turned out to be simply one event in a long list of hard lessons I've learned along my way to 50. What my divorce did was remind me of who I once was - 20 years ago. Today, I am able to move forward holding onto the many good bits - named Claire, Cole, Chloé and Caden - and leave behind the limiting beliefs and lazy habits that don't serve me.
Every day I learn something new. What a relief it was for me to learn that I could not possibly have all of the answersl - and that was okay - I no longer needed to! I was practically giddy when I realized there is always something new to learn. I am insatiably curious and once I think I've learned enough I realize there is still more. I love this feeling of openness and acceptance. My latest discovery: the continual learning held within the daily practice of practice. If something I learn resonates, I incorporate it into my daily practice which includes meditation, gratitude, writing, cooking and creating; all of which provide for many opportunities to discover new things.
I say yes. After years of overwhelm and emotional stress, I am now open enough and strong enough to say yes to every opportunity that resonates positively within me. Lunch with someone new? Yes. Meditation? Yes. Manage a volleyball team? Yes. Reformer Pilates class? Yes. A trip? Yes, well, yes with limits. Rarely do I say no, but when I do it is a well considered reply and no longer an automatic response.
The opposite of love is indifference. Really. If you still feel a pang, an inkling of guilt, a need to have the last word, an ounce of fight left, a molecule of longing, then you are not done - that chapter is not closed and you cannot move on. Done is when you can let a person leave your life with the knowledge you gave all you had to give and send them away with a simple wish that they make the best of their life without you in it.
I live with the courage of my convictions. When challenged, I no longer feel the need to justify why I feel the way I feel or how I learned what I know to be true. It took years to figure out what works for me and I no longer feel the defensive need to explain myself. As others are entitled to their beliefs, so am I.
I am more accepting. Of my flaws and the flaws of others; well considered opinions of others. I find the truth in the cracks, the light in the journey, the lessons in the differences. I am so relieved to be in a space where I can be simply happy for other people instead of feeling threatened or jealous or judgmental. I am no longer resistant to change. In fact, I am resistant to stagnation and stubborn beliefs borne of habit and laziness.
This too shall pass has become my mantra. Good times don't stay forever, neither do bad times. A full life has within it many changes. I've learned to roll with it - all of it. Bad times hold within them good lessons; good times hold the rewards for all the hard work. Cliché but true, without the bad times we'd never appreciate and value the good. I have learned that neither stays around for long. I am hopeful that at the end of my days there were a few more good than bad times and any catastrophe is balanced with glorious windfalls.
I worry less and expect little. You'd think the opposite would be true, but once I relinquished the laughable idea that I had any control, real control, over anything, my life became far more calm and manageable. I easily avoid drama and have completely disengaged from blame, shoulds, shame and as many negative influences and emotions as possible. Expectations can be the root of much sadness, disappointment and confusion. I no longer expect but I do have standards and boundaries - high for some, reasonable for me. I can only control what I can control - me - and my reactions and interactions in any given situation.
I lean in. I lean into resistance, into my fear. I've learned that on the other side of fear is usually exactly what I need, that for which has been elusive is found when I suck it up and face my fear head-on. Resistance indicates that I'm ohsoclose to what I want whether it be at reformer Pilates class and I don't think I can take more pain, at Kundalini meditation when I don't think I can take more enlightenment, a writing assignment I'm afraid to hand in for critique, a limiting belief that has a big "stop" sign (virtual, of course) making me doubt myself and my capability. I take the time to question and explore anything that strikes me with an immediate "no, I can't/won't do that" and have discovered so much about myself, the people and world around me.
I just can't fix some things. I can't fix mean. I can't fix neglect. I can't fix stupid. I can't fix selfish. I can't fix hypocrisy. I can't fix unaccountable. I can acknowledge, avoid and ignore, but I can't fix. My new response? I do not engage. I do not attend every fight I'm invited to and often turn and walk away after any failed attempt at giving voice to my view. I live a life of kindness and truth engaged fully in my own authenticity.
I show up. Every day. For my life. For my kids' lives. For anything that makes me a better person, regardless of the level of challenge. For my kids, I always advocate for them, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but I always show up for them.
I am a work in progress. After stagnating for a long time, I am now hopeful, optimistic and looking forward to what life has to offer. Not only that, but I've come to know for sure that I have plenty to offer and am planning to do more of that in the near future.
Do I have regrets? Not many. Though, every single regret has propelled me to use the experience to make better decisions going forward. The only rule in our house (besides the much maligned 24-hour notice to mama before kids go out rule) is a simple one: treat people the way you want to be treated. Nothing defuses a mean person faster than kindness - especially if you are kinder than necessary.
I've had a full summer and I'm taking this, our last week of holiday for the two kids still living at home, to construct a plan for the year ahead. I'm going to revisit the Desire Map and determine my Core Desired Feelings for 50 and beyond. From there I'll be able to chart a course for my future that will be fulfilling and heart-centred.
I am well on my way!
