Embrace Life

Reflection | April 2014

green cleats + goggles + dirty knees = Caden plays rugby

April is our time of transition: old activities come to an end and new practices start. I finished with my final metabolic pod at Zenbar. After plenty of practice and endless rehearsal, both Cole and Chloé participated in the Peel Music Festival with much success. Reformer Pilates continues and I've even added a day! Volleyball Provincials were held in Waterloo and our boys did well. I was sad to miss the last day, but not sad to have missed the drama! I missed it as I was on a flight to Tucson for my annual visit to Canyon Ranch with my sister, Beth. It was a wonderful week of relaxation and hard work with 2+ classes each day in the pool and a ton of walking, too. While away the kids had a giant sleepover and had a blast. I returned to a home with all of the confining columns on our first floor all gone - the result is so open and lovely. Cole attended the varsity rugby rookie party with the team - the host provided the entertainment and breakfast the next morning. Ah, growing up! All of the missing papers were found and now the kids files contain the treasures from 2002-2007, the River Oaks years. Happy (and generous) surprise, my brother-in-law got a brand new Audi and as a result Claire gets his VW Rabbit! After years of resistance I got myself a Costco membership and picked up some fun things. Cole was in the Senior Music Night at a new venue this year - they are such talented kids. I met with the school about finding a more suitable faculty advisor for Chloé. I drove to Kingston to collect Claire and her belongings after her English exam. She was sad to leave and happy to come home! I am delighted to have her back. Really enjoyed the company of Braeden who stayed with us overnight. Easter was low-key and quiet. Easter Monday was spent in Toronto with auntie Beth, cousins, and Grampy and we shared another wonderful meal at Grazie. I started an awesome writing course, on memoir. It is so very good! Help me, Caden has a girlfriend. The Desire Map ladies met in Port Credit for a raw meal, my first and probably last. I ordered a dress for the upcoming Appleby Gala - it is way too sheer - time to find something else! While parking in the garage Cole managed to remove the mirror from the side of the Suburban. I started an Art Therapy class in Burlington and I'm looking forward to the rest of the course. Josh was over for a sleepover and it's clear I have to plan for more. Chloé enjoyed her time with Nanna and Grampy's and the movies and art gallery. Applications have been started - we're too busy to be nervous. I got myself a new MacBook Air 11" strictly for writing - it has no other application - no distractions! We've received the baseball schedules for the season and the kids have been assigned their teams and coaches. Claire went to a Jays vs Red Sox game with Caden, Josh and Myles. Dance & drama night was held at the school and Chloé told me not to attend - so I did not. Claire is helping to coach the varsity softball team. In light of all the crazy changes and activity I sadly, and reluctantly, cancelled our Desire Map trip to Cape Cod. We (well, I) continue to await marks from Queen's and Claire's freshman year - just one left to come in. I plan to end my month with a lovely lunch with an old, er, veteran friend, Tammy has been with me since my arrival in Oakville. Love her! 

In the lives of the kids:

Claire | Managed to survive her first-ever university finals. I was so happy to pick her up and bring her - and her truckload of stuff - home for the summer. Her resumé is written and job seeking has commenced! Now that we have her baseball schedule things are falling into place. Claire is forever busy with something: she watched all of Scandal in about 4 days!

Cole | Is playing 8-man this year on the varsity rugby team. They played their big tournament in Sherbrooke, Quebéc. He has a 3cm gash over his right eye as proof of a hard fought final vs UCC. Against my concerns, he applied for four prefect positions for next year. We'll see how it goes.

Chloé | Went for a weekend visit with Nanna and Grampy in Toronto and really enjoyed her time with everyone - aunts and cousins included. Lots of BIG life decisions are being made and a new route is being followed. This is going to be an interesting ride!

Caden | Wrapped up his volleyball season at RIM in Waterloo. The team ended 16th which is an improvement of 2 rankings over their entry into the tournament. They have so much potential! Now it's onto baseball season with a bit of beach volleyball thrown in for variety! He also enjoyed a few sleep-overs and *gasp* a girl is in the picture.

Life in general:

Weather | Early in the month the ice and snow finally melted not just out the front of the house but down in the underground parking where the driveway has been slick and full of ice all winter. There have been bright days and wet days and everything in between. At least we're consistently on the plus side!

News | Sanctions leveled against Russia for actions in Crimea have proven ineffective. Swift action was taken against the owner of the NBA Clippers when recordings surfaced with his reprehensible racist comments. A ferry sank in South Korea with hundreds of students on board, so many lives lost - tragic.  

Sports | Things are winding down for volleyball and winding up for baseball. I have to tell you I'm happy to celebrate another year of not having to deal with rabbid hockey parents and the memories of those awful times is starting to fade.

Discovery | Raw food really should come with a side of salmon or chicken. Not my thing. Tasty enough, but as a portion of a meal, not the whole thing :)

Looking forward, goals I want to keep at the forefront include:

Work | Plans and paperwork have to be put on hold while I manage Chloé's new direction and all of the moving parts!

Health | Juices from Tree of Life here in Oakville is a new practice - to add to my daily walks (love good weather, even when it rains), reformer Pilates and general mindfulness.

Home | I'm looking forward to the next month and the promise of container plants in the front and on the back deck!

Fun | Baseball season is here! The folding chair and blanket is permanently located in the truck for the season. Good stuff!

Me | I imagine this is the start of the season I call "exhaustion".  Lots going on and tons to look forward to attending and doing.

* * * * *

A couple of years ago I consistently wrote up posts summing up the month that had just past. Then life got both complicated and overwhelming, so much so I was just going from day-to-day in complete survival mode. With this new year I'm getting back into the practices of my past that I have missed.

hello monday | 117

 

hello meditation lodge. this makes me happy.

hello limits. i am a firm believer that it is within the confines of structure you find your creative self. i really enjoyed reading this article, especially as i enter week 2 of my "memoir" course.

hello research. reading tons of articles focused on my next stage. the one article that resonated with the creative self, business self and scared self was this one on entrepreneurship. it fits in with so many other aspects of my life right now.

hello summer job. claire is delivering her resumé here, there and everywhere. there is much hope that she will land something and settle into a routine soon. in the meantime, i have a few plans brewing that should bring in some extra $$$ for the girl, but i'm not sure she'll be thrilled with them!

hello stanley cup playoffs. lots of hockey being watched around here. one canadian team in the mix. i might gag a little, but "go habs".

hello mornings. my sleep routine is a mess. it's been great to get back into the practice of dreaming. every night i enjoy a deep and satisfying slumber. the problem now? i don't know if i'm a morning person or a night owl. i seem to be neither! time to make a decision and i'd prefer to be a morning person. it seems to be more optimistic and productive.

hello barbell. what a briliant idea! jeans built specifically for athletic bodies.

hello new car. well, new to us. we have inherited my brother-in-law's vw rabbit. i think i'm the most excited as i've desperately missed driving a stick shift!

hello mindful. a couple of years ago i thought i knew what mindful meant, but a couple of years in, i realize i was totally clueless. joining in mindful in may and hope be outside for most of it!

hello monday. you are my most favourite day of the week. i love that you provide me with 52 fresh starts every year.

 

what are you saying hello to on this brand new monday?
head on over to lisa's blog and link up in the comments.

the current | thirty-seven

the current | thirty-seven

dateline: oakville, ontario, canada @ 9:18pm on 23 april 2014
weather outside: clear and a mild 8C, whoot! finally on the positive side!
mood inside: optimistic and energized

drinking a cold glass of sauvignon blanc.

eating hummus and multigrain crackers. organic, of course :)

embracing my full house. it is so very nice to have claire home. with all four here, my home feels complete.

enjoying nhl hockey playoffs. the kids are all rooting for montréal, the only canadian team left in the mix. just watched an amazing game - columbus vs pittsburgh. i don't care who wins. i'd rather see a good, hard-won game of hockey. this was a good one!

cooking plenty at home. after my return from canyon ranch, i'm re-dedicated to making better choices! have you been to tree of life here in oakville? just placed my first order.

trying to be open and supportive. of everything.

missing the quiet air and heat of the desert.

feeling a bit frazzled. the calendar has filled up very quickly. normally there is space to breathe - but wow, this is a bit much!

listening to the chatter of my kids. nothing makes my heart happier than when my four children are all home together reconnecting.

watching so many season finale's! i'm not used to shows finishing up in april. what ever happened to "may sweeps"?

reading "you should have known" by jean hanff korelitz, recommended by my friend, meg. a bit of a "gone girl" feel so far, not sure if i should be so wary. (note: just proof-reading at 11:24pm and it's finished. a good read.)

wearing fleece and sweaters. still.

packing away things for claire to take to school for next year: dishes, plates, cutlery, bedding - it's a big deal planning for a house of seven kids!

planning some updates which require a bit of paperwork. actually, a lot of paperwork. getting it all done!

stopping all of the procrastinating. taxes? done.

wanting my home in complete order and slowly we're getting there!

needing to not worry so much every time my kids are out driving around town. i'm really not worried about them, they drive well - just all the other ding-dongs on the road. the ferocious garage? another matter entirely.

wishing love and joy and peace and acceptance to everyone.

waiting for warmer weather. (yes, there is a theme.)

thinking my sister andrea rocks!

enjoying my new courses: writing and art. tuesday and friday mornings in burlington. bliss!

paying attention to the structural improvements that have to be made in the house. eventually it will all be completed!

encouraging my kids to go for their dream.

celebrating the choices my kids are making. every day.

cultivating ideas. so many ideas.

marveling that after years of knowledge, effort and dedication, i have not dropped one ounce! argh. frustrating. time to figure out what i'm doing wrong. and then do it right!

anticipating a big push for year-end marks ahead. the big scramble for assignments and submissions. exhausting. emotional. many lessons to learn.

and tada, a photo from my week:

i love the tradition of the senior boys rugyby team after practice and games, walking down the length of the field singing (guide me oh thou great jehovah). i've known these boys since their voices were much higher. so lovely to see them grow up! looking forward to rugby season!

dateline: oakville, ontario, canada @ 9:18pm on 23 april 2014
weather outside: clear and a mild 8C, whoot! finally on the positive side!
mood inside: optimistic and energized

drinking a cold glass of sauvignon blanc.

eating hummus and multigrain crackers. organic, of course :)

embracing my full house. it is so very nice to have claire home. with all four here, my home feels complete.

enjoying nhl hockey playoffs. the kids are all rooting for montréal, the only canadian team left in the mix. just watched an amazing game - columbus vs pittsburgh. i don't care who wins. i'd rather see a good, hard-won game of hockey. this was a good one!

cooking plenty at home. after my return from canyon ranch, i'm re-dedicated to making better choices! have you been to tree of life here in oakville? just placed my first order.

trying to be open and supportive. of everything.

missing the quiet air and heat of the desert.

feeling a bit frazzled. the calendar has filled up very quickly. normally there is space to breathe - but wow, this is a bit much!

listening to the chatter of my kids. nothing makes my heart happier than when my four children are all home together reconnecting.

watching so many season finale's! i'm not used to shows finishing up in april. what ever happened to "may sweeps"?

reading "you should have known" by jean hanff korelitz, recommended by my friend, meg. a bit of a "gone girl" feel so far, not sure if i should be so wary. (note: just proof-reading at 11:24pm and it's finished. a good read.)

wearing fleece and sweaters. still.

packing away things for claire to take to school for next year: dishes, plates, cutlery, bedding - it's a big deal planning for a house of seven kids!

planning some updates which require a bit of paperwork. actually, a lot of paperwork. getting it all done!

stopping all of the procrastinating. taxes? done.

wanting my home in complete order and slowly we're getting there!

needing to not worry so much every time my kids are out driving around town. i'm really not worried about them, they drive well - just all the other ding-dongs on the road. the ferocious garage? another matter entirely.

wishing love and joy and peace and acceptance to everyone.

waiting for warmer weather. (yes, there is a theme.)

thinking my sister andrea rocks!

enjoying my new courses: writing and art. tuesday and friday mornings in burlington. bliss!

paying attention to the structural improvements that have to be made in the house. eventually it will all be completed!

encouraging my kids to go for their dream.

celebrating the choices my kids are making. every day.

cultivating ideas. so many ideas.

marveling that after years of knowledge, effort and dedication, i have not dropped one ounce! argh. frustrating. time to figure out what i'm doing wrong. and then do it right!

anticipating a big push for year-end marks ahead. the big scramble for assignments and submissions. exhausting. emotional. many lessons to learn.

and tada, a photo from my week:

i love the tradition of the senior boys rugyby team after practice and games, walking down the length of the field singing (guide me oh thou great jehovah). i've known these boys since their voices were much higher. so lovely to see them grow up! looking forward to rugby season!

2014 | A Day in the Life APRIL

Super long day. Bonus hours but no bonus photos. I'm thinking that, at this point, I can sleep for a month :)

A DAY IN THE LIFE 2014:

January | February | March | April | May | June
July | August | September | October | November | December

hello monday | 116

hello game of thrones. i am a bit late to this particular party but one vanity fair article lead to a question asked of cole which lead to watching an episode - in season 4. i'm about to start from the beginning!

hello anniversary of horror. a year ago we were glued to the television watching the aftermath of the boston marathon bombing. the dark: a terrible time. the light: a testament to the human spirit.

hello open space. while i was away in arizona the cumbersome columns were removed from the first floor of our townhouse. wow. what a difference!

hello full house. so happy to have claire home again. blink and her first year at university is over! even better, we have a bonus child with one of caden's friends spending a few days with us.

hello oprah & deepak. enjoying meditation round 3.

hello major league baseball. we have tickets to watch the blue jays play our much beloved red sox. yay!

hello little league baseball. both claire and caden are playing this season. we are all looking forward to the many games ahead. really? i'm looking forward to getting and then plugging in the schedules so i can figure out how to handle our life between games! then i'll enjoy watching my kids play this game they love!

hello beach volleyball. now this is going to be fun this summer. the boys are all registered for beach volleyball at coronation park. what a wonderful opportunity!

hello full fridge and pantry. we live almost next door to a wonderful supermarket. logically i thought i could use it's proximity as my "pantry" never worrying about running out of anything. really? it may be close but the hours stink. i'm now stocking up the fridge with oodles of yummy, fresh, prepared and ready-to-be-eaten snacks and meals. so far, so good.

hello monday. you are my most favourite day of the week. i love that you provide me with 52 fresh starts every year.

 

what are you saying hello to on this brand new monday?
head on over to lisa's blog and link up in the comments.

Fluff & Nonsense | As Yet Unshared

As always, I'm inspired by Susannah Conway! I enjoy these "emotional mining" kind of posts. It reminds me of where I was and how far I've come in all the small details which are regularly overlooked. I've managed to cram an awful lot in! You'd think the information would be finite, but indeed, there is always more to share :)

1. I am not a particularly good gardener though I do love my bright and overflowing container plants through spring and summer.
2. I appreciate yellow for some things but it is not my favourite colour.
3. Perhaps it's because I struggle with my yellow chakra (self-worth, judgment)?
4. Yes, I am learning a ton of metaphysical and spiritual concepts.
5. The first albums I ever owned were The Eagles "Hotel California"; Billy Joel "Stranger"; Fleetwood Mac "Rumours", and Meatloaf "Bat Out of Hell" all purchased at Sam the Record Man on Yonge Street on the same day in 1977.
6. I enjoy folding laundry; I dislike cleaning up the dinner dishes.
7. I believe secrets are the most distructive force in the universe.
8. Though I owned a baseball training facility, I have no clue how to throw a ball.
9. I am early for everything. Late drives me bonkers.
10. Though I will not go in any water where I cannot see the bottom, I love being close to the ocean - the sound of the waves, the breeze, the heavy salty air.
11. I do not celebrate or encourage "Hallmark" holidays.
12. I graduated high school as valedictorian and had my choice of universities to attend.
13. I did not gratuate from university. That fact used to bother me terribly. It does not bother me any more.
14. My first name is Jennifer. I am not a Jennifer.
15. I am an abstainer, not a modifier. I can't just have a bite of cake, I have to have a whole slice (especially carrot cake!); I can't just watch one episode, I have to watch them all; I can't drink a glass of wine "only on weekends", the restriction makes me antsy, so I have no restriction and then manage to drink only on weekend.
16. I have recently learned that I am violently allergic to eggs. This makes me very sad as my most favourite meal on a lazy weekend morning is poached eggs on toast.
17. I used to have panic attacks when driving on the highway. The worst one was while driving through Pennsylvania with my daughter, Claire, to Arlington, VA to visit my sister 11 years ago.
18. I won a grade 6 spelling contest by spelling Pennsylvania properly.
19. I am addicted to oracle cards.
20. There is only one person from my past I'd like to find: Stacy - the boy best-friend of David, with the girl name; while in contrast I was the girl best-friend of David with the boy name :)
21. I am constantly washing my hands - and countertops. I hate sticky!
22. I do not like going to the movies as the theatre itself freaks out my germaphobic tendencies. I blame an Oprah show from years ago that covered the topic!
23. I love seafood, especially lobster. Women in my family tend to become highly intollerant of seafood, anaphylaxic, so I eat as much as I can when I have the opportunity! Until I can't.
24. My greatest wish is to be a size 14 again.
25. I can manage to "play" extrovert for only short periods at a time - and then it takes me double that time to recover.

 Wow! I had forgotten a lot of that stuff! What about YOU? What do people not know about you?

pmm | caden the volleyball player

In a land where it is not allowed, Caden was never a very good hockey player. He was not much of a skater and would slide into other players to stop. He quickly earned a reputation as a "thug". Ha!

For good or for bad, he does have a competitive spirit! For a long time his passion far exceeded his ability. Over the years he tried his hand at many sports. He plays rugby and squash at school and enjoys it. At football he was a remarkably good player, so good he scared the bejeepers out of his mother and, for fear of the inevitable concussion, he was pulled out. During the summer he plays baseball and has really grown into the sport and is excited about this upcoming season.

Nothing quite captured his imagination as much as volleyball has, but it wasn't easy. At the start he was reluctant to play. His sister Claire has always played and was captain of her varsity team at school. Talk about intimidating! Since it is a sport not introduced until later he had no real exposure to the game, then he got cut from the grade 7 team. He took it hard and wanted to do everything he could to improve. He spent all of last winter at Pakmen learning all he could, as quickly as he could, about volleyball.

All things considered, for Caden, volleyball is the perfect sport. Communication and consistent team play is critical, every position is key, you can smash that ball as hard as you want and there was very little fear of concussion or much more than a bruised muscle or scraped knee. In a community where many kids are put on the fast-track to elite athleticism early - really early - like the minute they can walk skates are put on their feet. There is not much room for "late bloomers" in sport. It is really unfortunate. And then there is volleyball.

Caden made it onto the school team this year. He also made it onto the town U14 team. A nice lesson that hard work and patience can be rewarded.

The last weekend of March, Caden and his Oakville Thunder team were in the Provincial Tournament held in Waterloo at RIM Park. They all played hard. There were good games and bad games and everything in between. Everyone learned a lot!

The season is now over. I can't wait for the next to start!

Over the summer there will be plenty more lessons, camps and leagues. After all, playing is a lot of fun, playing with skill is even better!

hello monday | 115

hello home. oh how i love the desert, but it's always nice to come home.

hello mess. holy smokes was my house a disaster! slowly putting everything back together again. laundry is all caught up. fridge is full. recycling in the garage. still a way to go, but there's progress.

hello canada. i love trivia and this is a great collection of canadian factoids.

hello apps. i'm not much of an app person, but these two may convert me. perhaps my most favourite thing ever is a good list - especially one that is completed. i found this app: checkmark 2 and i look forward to implementing it! the other is 5 minute journal which i'm enjoying - which is the whole idea!

hello project. i really must have a few of my most favourite photos printed for more prominent display around the house.

hello costco. there are a few things we go through a lot of: perrier, toilet paper, dryer sheets - dry goods. time to head to costco and get the big packs! i guess that means i have to organize better space for all of it, too!

hello enneagram blogging. i really want to explore this idea further. i am an eight and found this fascinating.

hello do lectures. in addition to the famous ted talks, i'm enjoying these, too.

hello gratitude. i am so very.

hello monday. you are my most favourite day of the week. i love that you provide me with 52 fresh starts every year.

 

what are you saying hello to on this brand new monday?
head on over to lisa's blog and link up in the comments.

desire map | working the program

On occasion Danielle LaPorte shares, via her Desire Map emails, interviews with those participating in her Desire Map program. I'm taking those questions and digging deep. Time to answer them here as a way to keep myself on track and stay accountable to this program that has been revolutionary in the way I look at and live my life.

What are your core desired feelings?
 
I'm about to go through the Desire Map process again with my book club, and I have a feeling my current CDFs might change a bit, maybe even more than a bit. Today they are: align + connect + trust + grace

What are you doing this week, or lately, to generate your core desired feelings?

Every activity I engage in, a writing course (taken February 15 and another starts Apirl 22), a painting class (starts April 25), a business course (started March 10), a book club (started January 7), lunch or dinner out with friends and not my kids (at least twice each month), really any opportunity I have to pull myself out of my comfortable introvert coccoon is an opportunity to choose activities that

A) align my choices with my core beliefs;
B) gives me a chance to connect with people I might not have an opportunity to engage with otherwise;
C) each small escape from my safe world gives me an opportunity to trust - my instincts and the actions/words of others; and,
D) within all of it I have a choice to be or not be in a state of grace. So far, so good.

I have been told by many, and I know to my bones, I have a book inside me, I'm finally taking courses to encourage that creative and free part of me. I'm nothing if not fully prepared for greatness :) I have always loved painting but never really felt comfortable taking my time away from my kids to indulge in it. I lead a book club that went through the 5-week program and continues to meet for meetings and field trips which has fostered relationships with women I would never have met otherwise and that would have been a very sad thing. These woman are remarkable and I am privileged to have them in my life. I am moving every day and nourishing myself through meditation, pilates and my sleep and metabolism pod.

On top of it all, I spent two solid weeks working on getting my paper-life in order. I am so relieved. I feel like I lost a bagillion pounds of stress and weight. Order makes me beyond happy.

What lightbulb went off for you when you started to look at how your feelings related to how you did your life/work?

The outrageous idea that I was not wrong, just by being, was revolutionary. Shocking. I have spent a lot of my life being wrong. The idea that I can create a life in complete alignment with what I feel to my core of my being is right was overwhelming and liberating. It took me a bit of time to wrap my brain around the audacity of it all. I was always so goal driven. I truly believed that I would only be worthy if I reached a specific result outlined by others with specific demands. To realize that I am completely in charge of a life that my own personal design was breathtaking. 

When you got clear on your CDFs were there any goals that you were chasing that fell to the way side? Did new or different goals/intentions emerge?

Becoming clear on my CDFs really let me see exactly where I was as a result of my divorce and sole parent/provider of my four children. I had never taken pause to take in that reality. I just dealt with the aftermath. I am 100% mum 100% of the time and I love it. My identity has been, for the past 18 years, in being a mum and I've enjoyed every minute of it. To be a better mum, I had to model even better behaviour by showing my kids that it's okay to have dreams and expectations of yourself. Now it's time to let them take the lessons they've learned and thrive on their own. It's my turn to take the lessons I've learned from them and thrive on my own, too.

What tunes are revving up your core desired feelings these days?

I love listening to XM36, the Alt Rock station. So many great bands!

Kaiser Chiefs. Kings of Leon. Cage the Elephant. Coldplay. Manchester Orchestra. Lorde. Arctic Monkeys. Grouplove. Bastille. Foster the People. The Black Keys. Young the Giant. Muse. fun. The Killers. Foo Fighters. Jimmy Eat World. Vampire Weekend. Arcade Fire. Two Door Cinema Club. American Authors. MS MR. The 1975. Smallpools. Of Monsters and Men. The Neighbourhood. Imagine Dragons. Capital Cities. Passion Pit. Chvrches. Atlas Genius. HAIM. The Airborne Toxic Event. AWOLNATION. Mumford & Sons. The Lumineers. The XX.

My kids listen to alt rock and instead of fighting with them, I decided to embrace their choices. I am so glad I did. Some of this music is so powerful and poetic, I'm glad I didn't miss it.

What's a goal that you're focusing on this year?

I am really interested in seeing where my writing course takes me. If I could accomplish anything it would be to connect with my creative self and trust myself to come up with a kick-ass, insightful, fun, engaging and magical book - or, in my more ambitious moments - series of books that brings out the very best in everyone who reads them.

What's not working that you want to change?

I have a problem. I need conditions to be perfect before I start. I know I can start anything at any time, but I get so hung up on perfect. I have taken the whole "set yourself up for success" to a ridiculous level. It drives. me. bonkers. I'd like to just START and go for it! I need to not give a damn if I fail. I need to just let go and get started.

What are you feeling really grateful for?

So, so much. I have to catch my breath when I realize all of the good I have in my life. The enthusiasm and trust of my children. The support and kindness of my family. The unwavering belief in my ability from my friends. Truly? Realizing who my friends are and aren't and being okay with the difference between the two has been enlightening. I am grateful that I have the confidence to shed emotional and unnecessary baggage to focus on what is important to me and my future.

Challenge | "I" Statements

Ages ago, Becky Higgins posted a list of "I" statements and challenged those who read her blog to do the same, so here it goes :)

I WAS … recently reveling in how much I enjoy my life, now. Even with all of the drama and chaos of raising four kids alone, it is challenging, rewarding and fulfilling. I am present and engaged, every day.

I AM … delighted to have learned how to put me on the list and discovered things I enjoy that keep me centred and challenged: meditation, pilates and new courses including writing and art.

I THINK … this summer is going to be greatly enjoyed after suffering so long through four solid months of ice and snow on the ground.

I WONDER … what's next. Because, as we all know, it won't be on any plan :)

I WISH … there was a permanent cure for eczema and psoriasis - and thyroid disease, too.

I SAVE … all of my errands and shopping to do all in one day. The idea of having to run around and shop more than once a week is too much for me to bear.

I ALWAYS … cringe when my kids make bad food choices: refined sugar is terrible. Sweet poison.

I CAN'T IMAGINE … not going to Cape Cod for at least a little bit of every summer. It is such an integral part of our family experience. I'm glad the tradition will continue in a few short months.

I BELIEVE … if you treat people the way you would like to be treated a lot of misunderstandings and unkind behaviour can be avoided. It is, for me, the key to a drama-reduced existence!

I PROMISE … to keep learning new things and stretch my understanding of concepts, ideas, opportunities and people around me.

I LOVE … my children, with all of my heart, every day. Even on those days when they drive me crazy.

I SCRAP … because I believe everyone has a story worth telling, mine is just a picture book rather than a novel, for now.

Becky even went so far as to have her children do the same. I loved that idea and hope to add "I" statements from each of my kids for our Project Life album.

What about you? What are your "I" statements?

Lift | Mighty List 2

Since I wrote out my first Mighty List in April 2012 I managed to accomplish a lot, I also managed to forget about the list while life had me focus on other things. It's time to regroup and figure out a new list, one that serves me better and takes into consideration all that I've learned in the past two years. 

Nowhere on my original list was "take private reformer Pilates classes" or "take kids on a Caribbean cruise" or "file every spec of paper in the house" - things I've done that have greatly enriched my life. I'm revisiting this project as I like the idea of a brain dump of things to accomplish before I am unable to accomplish anything else. Real big dream-to-goal things, not just a simple laundry list of chores. A true MIGHTY list.

On that same note, it's okay to LET GO of some things. Transcend from a bucket list format of catching every half formed thought or idea and embrace exactly who I am and what I want to do to enrich my mind, body and soul. To do that, truly honour who and what I am it was necessary to face some truths and my list reflects those realizations.

Some things remain, some things have changed - some things were actually accomplished from the original list. In no particular order, this is my new version:

1. Take a painting class - watercolours first - then oil and acrylic
2. Keep my Project Life up-to-date
3. Take a trip with stops in Morocco, Turkey and Italy for sure
4. Write - and publish - a novel
5. Choose my favourite blog posts and put them into book form
6. Find the root of the weight issue then lose it, enough to feel good again
7. Fix and cull all of the categories on my blog
8. Find a companion, a man who brings out the best in me, and me him
9. Submit 10 articles for publication - then have them published
10. Watch the opera - MET showings - at Silvercity
11. Take golf lessons - then golf as often as possible
12. Write a cookbook for my kids of all our favourite meals
13. Clear out the storage locker
14. Continue to model the behaviour I want to see in my children
15. Then model better
16. Take a creative writing course
17. Go indoor skydiving
18. Put together a library of all the creative courses I've taken - and finish the projects that still resonate
19. Feel rested and 100% well
20. The biggest "unattainable" dream in my life, ever: have an article published by Vanity Fair magazine
21. Read ALL of the books on my bookshelf
22. Purchase the exact outdoor couch I have pictured in my head (and not freak out about the ridiculous price)
23. Write a children's book - then write some more
24. Leave the house more and connect with people, even if it's just to sit in a restaurant and observe
25. Forgive myself for the ache my children suffer at the neglect of their father
26. Clear all of the clutter from each and every room in my home
27. Meditate and move daily
28. Buy a home on the Canyon Ranch Tucson property
29. Replace my entire wardrobe with clothes that fit properly and make me feel good
30. Take regular "photo walks" to someplace new and creatively evocative
31. Then compile a big coffee table book of photos and experiences
32. Organize ALL of the files on my computer
33. Go on one soul-filling retreat each month - writing, photography, quiet, creative
34. Take a trip to the UK and visit all of the places that resonate within me
35. Buy the Canon EOS 1-DX camera
36. Go snowshoeing
37. Watch Downton Abbey, Veronica Mars, The Good Wife, Breaking Bad, Suits, Friday Night Lights, Mad  Men, Six Feet Under, Freaks & Geeks
38. Turn my townhouse into a real honest-to-goodness townhouse with heavy doors, crown moulding and high baseboards
39. Find an accountant to get all of my finances in order and open The Next Chapter Studio
40. Learn to make "relief" pottery - then make a lot of it!

This list-in-progress reflects exactly who I am and what I want to include in my life.

What is on your Mighty List?

hello monday | 114

 

hello life above zero. we've enjoyed consistenly above zero temperatures. that doesn't mean we won't get snow again, but this little bit of spring has been a welcome change.

hello baseball season. it's finally here!

hello preparation. as much as i don't want cole to apply to be a prefect at school, he is determined to take a leadership role next year. applications are being completed and essays written.

hello creative routines. i found this infographic fascinating. especially the amount of down-time enjoyed by those i find particularly creative.

hello healthy reboot. dark berry smoothies. 10,000 steps daily. charged fitbit. over 4 litres of water daily. 7+ hours of sleep each night. more pilates classes. meditation practice. a whole new comprehensive plan has been put together again. life changes and routine has to change with it.

hello equipment check. new cleats. new mouthguards. new water bottles. at least this year there are no more big purchases - just a matter of maintenance.

hello calendar. this term is shaping up with plenty of sports, exams, meetings, field trips, parties, holidays and all manner of special events all keyed into the calendar through the end of june and beyond. lots of juggling and reworking to make it flow as smoothly as possible. i've even scheduled time to do nothing!

hello open space. goodbye decorative columns. finally!

hello release. i am so happy my life has taken the direction of love, purpose, meaning and joy. any residual anger and resentment have made way for many wonderful things.

hello monday. you are my most favourite day of the week. i love that you provide me with 52 fresh starts every year.

 

what are you saying hello to on this brand new monday?
head on over to lisa's blog and link up in the comments.

4 Simple Goals | 04-14

wellness | let go

You know how December can be filled with all kinds of end-of-year reflection and inspirational articles filled with ideas and new direction? I wish I had the time to read and execute all of the good stuff, but you know, December just doesn't work for me.

Even though I have pared down the frantic of the season to a simple holiDAY, I am still overwhelmed by the sense of possibility and promise the new year brings. Articles and hope abound and I can't seem to keep up with it all.

My most relaxed months of the year has traditionally been April and May. Now I'm taking this time to reflect upon and read a lot of those articles that inspired me but I was simply too worn out to fully appreciate. One such article was 20 Things to Let Go Of Before The New Year by Shannon Keiser at MindBodyGreen. Though it is no longer the cusp of the new year, I figure if it was worth letting go of before December 31, it should be worth purging before April 30, right?

What I like, particularly, about this article is that it encompasses my most recent desire to let go. I agree with the author that in order to be the person I really want to be I had to let go of who I though I should be. This act of self-love has been truly revolutionary.

So here goes. Based on the 20 things to let go of in order to reach unlimited happiness, this is where I stand:

1. Let go of all thoughts that don't make you feel empowered and strong.

I have been plagued by negative self talk in the past. I still have the occasional "that was stupid" moment, or "what were you thinking?" kick in my pants, but nothing is as destructive and unkind as I used to be to myself. I realize the only thoughts and actions I can control are my own, so I do my best to err on the lesson I teach my children: treat people the way you want to be treated. It works, most of the time!

2. Let go of feeling guilty for doing what you truly want to do.

It took me a long time to realize that taking care of myself - reading, writing, creating, exercise, travel - makes me a better mum. Now I'm going to employ that same attitude toward making a future and career for myself. I'm still waiting for a time I can write from dusk until dawn, but that'll be more convenient when the kids can get to-and-from places without me. It no longer has anything to do with guilt :)

3. Let go of the fear of the unknown; take one small step and watch the path reveal itself.

This concept has been revolutionary. I have fully embraced the idea of "lean in" to all of those things that makes me uncomfortable or fearful. If I resist I know there is something important I need to learn. On the other side of fear? Wonderful things! I still have moments of doubt, but every time I've faced them I've come out stronger and happier. Life with no safety net has been an invigorating experience!

4. Let go of regrets; at one point in your life, that “whatever” was exactly what you wanted.

I have to admit I am rarely plagued with feelings of regret. I do the best I can given the information available to me at the time. My actions come from a place of truth, no malice or competition.

5. Let go of worrying; worrying is like praying for what you don’t want.

This is hard. I have made great strides to give up "mindless" or "busy" worry. I don't often worry about my kids but the others they are with, or other drivers on the road, or something out of their control. It has been a challenge!

6. Let go of blaming anyone for anything; be accountable for your own life. If you don’t like something, you have two choices, accept it or change it.

Number six is singing to the choir! I have to say, I have very little patience for those who go through life wearing their imaginary Teflon suits blaming anyone and everyone for their lot in life. Those who know me well know that my phrase, for years, was "own it" and I do. Lack of accountability is a sore spot for me. (If you ever need to know what sets me off, completely, number ONE on that list are those people who blame others followed closely by those who live in the past. Drives. Me. Bonkers.)

7. Let go of thinking you are damaged; you matter, and the world needs you just as you are.

Again, this is hard. When you listen, for years, to those who are supposed to love you tell you how wrong you are, how disappointing you are, how stupid you are, how undeserving you are, how un-perfect you are, how one behaviour or another is lacking in some way it takes a very long time to shed that mean-spirited baggage. I'm still working on it. I have always and will always do the best I can - regardless of whether or not it is enough for someone else. I am a true believer in Brené Brown's teaching and I am so grateful for her bringing Theodore Roosevelt's "Daring Greatly" quote into my life. It is not the critic who counts and I have always been in the arena.

8. Let go of thinking your dreams are not important; always follow your heart.

I have only just got back in touch with my heart and my dreams - my "goals with soul". Much thanks goes out to Danielle LaPorte and my Desire Map ladies. I am very fortunate to have had my greatest dream of being a mum come true - four times! It is now time to develop new dreams for the next few innings of my life.

9. Let go of being the “go-to person” for everyone, all the time; stop blowing yourself off and take care of yourself first … because you matter.

I am only the "go-to person" for my children - because I am the only "go-to person" for my children. I have all day to take care of myself. My family are on iCloud and our calendars are completely synchronized. They know that if I'm at meditation or at pilates class or getting a haircut or at lunch with a friend it's best to reconsider interrupting me. I'm 100% theirs before 8AM and after 4PM. Unless, of course there is blood. If there's blood, please interrupt!

10. Let go of thinking everyone else is happier, more successful or better off than you. You are right where you need to be. Your journey is unfolding perfectly for you.

Living in a competitive upwardly mobile and somewhat paranoid society thinking I was lacking in some way was really easy to do - once I learned that most of what others present as true is "for show" it made my life a lot easier. Envy has never set well with me and once I realized I didn't have to feel competitive or insecure or lacking, my outlook greatly improved. I am right where I need to be. I am completely content and secure in my choices.

11. Let go of thinking there's a right and wrong way to do things or to see the world. Enjoy the contrast and celebrate the diversity and richness of life.

At this stage of my life I am councelling children at university, in high school and entering high school. Listening to my kids, and hearing what they have to say, has made it easy for me to give up the ridiculous idea that there is a right and wrong way for anything. Each of my four kids has a different outlook and it is from their diverse perspective I live my days.

12. Let go of cheating on your future with your past. It’s time to move on and tell a new story.

I have to admit, I spent 10+ years not living in my truth by not facing the resentment and anger I had over the near death of my youngest child. It took a further couple of years to give voice to that resentment and anger in an articulate and honest manner. I'm ready to move on. I am very good at taking situations, putting them in a nice box and filing them away. Sometimes those experiences have to be taken off the shelf and re-examined, but once the lesson is learned, it's time to move on.

13. Let go of thinking you are not where you should be. You are right where you need to be to get to where you want to go, so start asking yourself where you want to go.

This is new. "Should" implies guilt and I am beyond all of that nonsense. I have recently started asking myself where I want to go, and put it on my dream board:

I am so happy to be in my current state of flow rather than a place of anxiety. The future looks bright because I want it to be.

14. Let go of anger toward ex-lovers and family. We all deserve happiness and love; just because it is over doesn’t mean the love was wrong.

Though I will never willingly be in the presence of my mother or my ex-husband again, I am grateful for the lessons I learned from each of them. Funnily enough, they are incredibly similar personalities. (Okay, scary, not funny.) I wish them both well and do not begrudge them their happiness.

15. Let go of the need to do more and be more; for today, you've done the best you can, and that's enough.

Check. This idea has been fully embraced. I am happy to be more. I am the best I can be. I am enough.

16. Let go of thinking you have to know how to make it happen; we learn the way on the way.

Way harder than it sounds! My trigger for slowing down and taking it all in is when I get caught up in having to know how to execute a result. When that happens I try taking a deep breath and meditate for a while.

17. Let go of your money woes — make a plan to pay off debt and focus on your abundance.

I am familiar with near-crippling debt and I'm determined to never be in that place ever again. I've made responsible decisions for my spirit as well as my bank balance. I am so very fortunate and am keeping my focus on the good in my life.

18. Let go of trying to save or change people. Everyone has her own path, and the best thing you can do is work on yourself and stop focusing on others.

Once I learned that some people simply cannot be saved or changed I was able to pay attention to my own journey. When all was said and done, this was the reason for my divorce, two very different people, two very different expectations, two very different paths. 

19. Let go of trying to fit in and be accepted by everyone. Your uniqueness is what makes you outstanding.

This took a lot for me to figure out. I was really bashed around for being who I am and it hurt. A lot. 

20. Let go of self-hate. You are not the shape of your body or the number on the scale. Who you are matters, and the world needs you as you are. Celebrate you!

In concept I really believe this, though, as a larger person it is hard. In my head I know who I am on the inside but it doesn't stop the rude behaviour of those who are offended by the shape of my body and the number on the scale.

It looks like my current state of happiness is limited, but it is a work in progress. There is still a lot of work to do and that's okay. I'd hate to think I had it all figured out ;)

What about you? Of what do you need to let go?

move more | national walking day

Who knew the first Wednesday in April was National Walking Day? I learned about it last year when I was reading a Walking Challenge article as part of my "reset".

I have to admit I haven't done a lot of walking since winter started back in November. A combination of my left hip "catching" regularly, my right knee blowing up like a balloon when pushed too hard at Pilates, and a winter filled with ice on every sidewalk has made me feel unsteady and older than I should! I walked as often as I could but certainly not as much as I'd have liked. I even gave up on charging my Fitbit!

Keeping in mind my own personal limits, I'm hoping to lace up my sneakers every day from this point forward. The ice - the consistency of which I have never experienced ever before - has finally melted and I'm hoping to put in a few thousand steps each day in an effort to get back to a healthy form and habit. Within a month I'm hoping to consistently hit the 10,000 step mark in an effort to make that my minimum through to when the snow flies next Fall.

I've learned a lot this year.

I get so demanding with myself and forget that I am no longer the competitive tennis player I was in my youth. I push too hard, unable to face the frustration that my body is not reacting well and won't perform the way it's supposed to by failing even the simplest of tasks.

I shall be gentle. I shall not push. I shall remember the goal is long-term fitness and flexibility not short term mobility and weight loss.

So flipping frustrating!

Hopefully by the first Wednesday in April 2015, I'll be in a better space and more able to welcome with enthusiasm National Walking Day!

me | endless self improvement

I have spent an awful lot of time trying to figure out what to do with my life. Seriously, what should I DO? To make a living. To be a better person. To contribute to society. That kind of do with my life.

It turns out that my goal of being a good mum was not as far-sighted as I once thought. Not that my role as mother will ever end, but my role as ever-present mum will. That realization makes me happy and sad at the same time! As my kids need me less, I realize I had better figure out what I should do with the rest of my life. To that end I've engaged a wonderful life coach, considered many business models and ideas, I have even bought a domain name, set up a website with business cards to match!

Ugh.

I feel both defeated and excited to start, all at the same time. I'm a freaking information magpie. Then I discoverered the Daily Muse which is the WORST (read: BEST!) at giving me more things to consider. Like the article on the 50 (cheap) Professional Develop Classes Anyone Can Take. Information magpie NIRVANA!

I have followed along with people who I admire and learn from and appreciate when they "introduce" me to others who are equally talented and I often take their recommendations for projects, courses, articles. I have taken oodles of photography, writing, scrapbooking, vulnerability, blogging, photoshop, branding and self-discovery courses, primarily online, for the last decade. I regularly manage to get myself into a cycle of taking similar courses, all taught by people well qualified, but redundant in their message.

I have spent a lot of time reflecting and figuring out who I am. I will always be a work in progress, I am far too curious and like learning way too much to be content for long. Who I am, at my essense, is pretty clear and I'm okay with it. More than okay.

Now, what to do about it?

It's time to move past taking similar courses over and over again and move forward to more challenging material. The work I've done was painful, enlightening, hard and rewarding. As a result I am now completely comfortable with who I am and now have to figure how I can parlay that knowledge into a means of financial independence and creative expression.

To that end, last month I put a note out, via Facebook, to those who could provide insight into the Danielle LaPorte-recommented B-School with Maria Forleo. My virtual friend Katrina Kennedy, sent a note in support as she had taken a previous course. Now, I tell my kids ALL THE TIME that you are "judged by the company you keep" and "birds of a feather" and I'm happy to be in company of Katrina, Danielle LaPorte and even Oprah!

I am seriously behind. Sign-up for B-School coincided with my kids' ridiculously long - 18 day - March Break. I have only just clicked on the first assignment and the class is already onto the third module. That being said, I like this change in direction. It feels good. It's stirring up a whole bunch of insecurity and questions of worthiness and ability I've already addressed. It's nice to put that personal work to the test. Something I would not have been able to do if I had continued to be content just repeating the same patterns - projects and courses.

My plan moving forward is to buckle down and really focus on this investment in my future. It's looking bright!