Rarely do I spend a lot of time looking back with a need to change much of anything. The past is the past. I've learned from and apply all lessons, moving forward. Every once in a while there is a twinge of regret for things that never were or never could be ... all of my regrets are mostly "if only" ...
This would be the "since I got married" version because to think of anything before that would be madness.
* * * * *
if only I had not left my first digital camera in its box, unopened, on the shelf for almost 2 years
if only I had taken the time to write it all down
if only I had learned to say no, and stop raising my hand
if only I had spaced the kids out maybe my brain wouldn't have been so mushy (four kids in five years was a bit over the top)
if only I had not been so tired
if only I had just defended myself, or picked my battles better
if only my husband didn't work out of town from 1994 to 2002 - weeks on end with a rare weekend "off"
if only I hadn't been so frustrated and alone
if only I got on the floor more with the kids
if only I was the photographer I am today
if only I could remember the details, they're becoming fuzzy
if only I trusted my instincts more, ignored the need to "be polite"
if only I wasn't so impatient with mess and clutter
if only I hadn't left that day
if only I learned to put myself first, if only once in a while
* * * * *
I realize that if any of those "if only" statements had been different the whole trajectory of my life may have been altered, and that is not something I would want. Well, not at the moment. What would you change, if only?
