At the end of August, to celebrate the launch of her new virtual home, Tiffany Moore asked a number of her favourite bloggers to answer some BIG questions. I have been looking for a challenge and decided to take a stab at this particular exercise.
* * * * *
Of what story (stories?) do you need to let go?
I mulled this question for a long time and the reality of it is I thought I had let go of most of the stories - or the mythology - of my past. Some linger ...
I am no longer defined by the vicious stories-that-became-truth as told by a mother who never considered me worthy. I have to stop remembering the awful things she did and said - about me and many, many, many others - and refocus the memories of my childhood through new eyes without the taint of her cruelty. My adult self knows fully that I am enough, I just have to remind my child self that this is the case and look backward without fear and reluctance, but with the perspective of kindness, distance and time.
I need to forgive myself for being a disappointment because I did not get my degree. (Though, I have to admit, when my dad told my kids this summer that he hopes for all of them to have letters after their names, it stung. More than a little bit. Ouch.) A few times over the years I have considered going back to school. I do not find it appealing - at all. I'm learning a ton of skills, just in a less formal or restricted manner.
I need to forget the morning of my wedding when my soon-to-be mother- and sister-in-law took me out for coffee. I thought it was to be a festive event. It was not. They expressed concern over the fact I had a terrible relationship with my mother that they feared that I would, in turn, be a bad mother myself. They essentially told me I was not good enough and strongly encouraged me not to go through with the marriage. Now, 18 years later, the irony of that concern is not lost.
I was not home when my youngest son almost drown. That was almost 10 years ago. I recently heard that I am considered not worthy of friendship because I almost let my child die. Wow. People are mean and that story is such a false representation of the facts, but it still feeds my overwhelming guilt for leaving home that day - for a scrapbooking day with friends. In fact, it happened to be the first time I left home, alone, in over two years. I need to not let opinions and false stories like that devastate me.
I need to remind myself that my weight is a symptom of a disease. I am angry at the disease that makes me look like a distorted version of myself. I cannot be angry at myself and have to excuse those around me who focus their fat phobia at me.
Bottom line, it looks like there are still a number of stories I need to let go. Those stories all have one common theme of my either being not worthy or not enough. I know that is not true and I have to purge those stories that sabotage my daily efforts.
For me, for my children, I am enough. Every day.